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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum doesn't want to know baby gender, AIBU?

284 replies

TuesdayWonder · 04/07/2023 13:13

Currently in early stages of pregnancy. I was having a chat with my mum the other day and just happened to mention how I will probably find out the baby's gender when I can. My mum then got really annoyed saying well you won't be telling me or ruining the surprise for me and that she didn't find out with any of her pregnancies so she doesn't want to know.

I was quite shocked because I don't think she really has the right to demand that I go out of my way to keep this from her. If myself and my partner know the gender then naturally we may slip up saying things like "once she's/he's here" or have pink/blue items in the house.

Surely as a grandparent she has no right to demand not being told the gender? I can understand the disappointment if she wanted it to be a surprise but as it's not her baby surely she should respect my choice, AIBU?!

OP posts:
crumpet · 04/07/2023 13:25

I would respect her wishes as far as reasonably possible. Yes if it slips out it’s not a disaster, but equally it would be pretty petty to deliberately/semi deliberately let it slip out.

Of course it’s your baby. Doesn’t mean you have the right to run rough shod over anyone else.

Perhaps for her she feels safer not knowing the sex, in case there are any issues. Maybe she had had experiences with miscarriages, or had seen other have miscarriages. Or even if not - I didn’t want to know the sex of mine, as I didn’t want to assign any form of “personality” to the baby as far as possible until it was born. That was my preference. Lots of people want to know the sex and that is fine too.

CallistoMoon · 04/07/2023 13:25

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 13:21

Wtf does it matter if you call it gender or sex? Seriously.

They are two completely separate things.

EarthlyNightshade · 04/07/2023 13:26

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 13:21

Wtf does it matter if you call it gender or sex? Seriously.

They are different things so it can be confusing.
(Although I think in this case, it's clear OP means sex)

Holly60 · 04/07/2023 13:26

KarmaStar · 04/07/2023 13:19

Ah she just wants the excitement of knowing the sex when baby is born!😀the anticipation and wonder is special for some.
As it's your dm I'm surprised at your aggressive attitude towards her.

Why should she be given special allowances just because she is OP's mum.

She did it how she wanted when she had her babies, now it's OP's time.

She is being ridiculous OP- she should be letting you do it your way this time

SpaceCorpsDirective1742 · 04/07/2023 13:26

Don't go out of your way to tell her, but it's up to her to actively avoid finding out (so she doesn't get to have a look at the nursery or anything traditionally gender-y you may have bought, doesn't get to attend any gender reveal/baby shower if you choose to have one etc). Probably best to stay away from any social media she follows you on too.

I bet her demand for absolutely secrecy until bubs emerges ends pdq once she realises she will miss out on a lot of special stuff that a grandparent would usually be involved in.

If something slips out, it slips out. It's your baby and choice, not hers. You don't need to watch every word you say.

JulieHoney · 04/07/2023 13:26

SherbetDips · 04/07/2023 13:19

@JulieHoney Why do you get to tell people what they mean to write? She wrote gender and that’s absolutely fine.

Because sex and gender are not the same thing and conflating them got us in the mess we’re in.

Babies are born with a sex. Gender is something society imposes on them.

NeverThatSerious · 04/07/2023 13:27

Oh for goodness sake. She had her time and her children and made her choices then, it isn’t up to her what you choose to do. I wouldn’t make a performance of telling her but I’d not keep it secret either.

Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 13:27

I’d definitely tell her, especially as she’s been a bit of a dick about it. It’s my pregnancy not hers, I don’t give a toss how she feels about knowing the sex of my baby!

x2boys · 04/07/2023 13:28

Daisydu · 04/07/2023 13:21

Wtf does it matter if you call it gender or sex? Seriously.

Mumsnet is obsessed with Sex and gender not being the same thing its all.the trans stuff ,as soon as I read the title I knew there would be lots of its Sex not gender comments

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:28

"She had her time"

Oh such a lovely attitude Hmm

crumpet · 04/07/2023 13:28

NeverThatSerious · 04/07/2023 13:27

Oh for goodness sake. She had her time and her children and made her choices then, it isn’t up to her what you choose to do. I wouldn’t make a performance of telling her but I’d not keep it secret either.

The poor woman is only asking to find out once the baby is born. Hardly the crime of the century.

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:28

Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 13:27

I’d definitely tell her, especially as she’s been a bit of a dick about it. It’s my pregnancy not hers, I don’t give a toss how she feels about knowing the sex of my baby!

And again! Delightful

Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 13:28

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:28

"She had her time"

Oh such a lovely attitude Hmm

True though. She can’t dictate anyone’s choices throughout their pregnancy.

Holly60 · 04/07/2023 13:29

@JulieHoney

*Because sex and gender are not the same thing and conflating them got us in the mess we’re in.

Babies are born with a sex. Gender is something society imposes on them*.

I'd actually argue it's separating them out that has got us to where we are. When gender was just another word for sex, things were pretty clear.

Blarn · 04/07/2023 13:29

I didn't tell anyone with dd1 and the sonographer wasn't entirely sure anyway! But my dad didn't want to know with dd2, he wanted to be surprised and I thought that was fair enough, we just didn't mention it to him.

It's not really a big deal, just don't tell her.

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:30

It's the choice of language that's unpleasant @Hibiscrubbed.

Thepowerhouseofthecell · 04/07/2023 13:30

YANBU it's up to the parents to find out/not find out and not a joint decision with grandparents. And I say that as someone who didn't find out till the birth.

Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 13:30

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:28

And again! Delightful

Show quote history

I’d hazard a guess it’s not the first time the OP has found her mother somewhat domineering.

Why should the OP go out of her way to hide something about her own pregnancy to protect the wishes of her mother? That’s mental.

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:31

See my comment above @Hibiscrubbed

crumpet · 04/07/2023 13:31

The OPs mum isn’t trying to stop her finding out the sex. All she’s asked is not to be told herself!

NeverThatSerious · 04/07/2023 13:31

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:28

"She had her time"

Oh such a lovely attitude Hmm

Am I wrong? I didn’t say anything horrible, just that she made her choices with her children and OP can make her choices with her children, as it should be.

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:31

crumpet · 04/07/2023 13:31

The OPs mum isn’t trying to stop her finding out the sex. All she’s asked is not to be told herself!

Also this

eetee · 04/07/2023 13:31

@KarmaStar

Ah she just wants the excitement of knowing the sex when baby is born!😀the anticipation and wonder is special for some.

She doesn't get to dictate how another woman chooses to discuss her pregnancy/child because she wants 'excitement'.

Hibiscrubbed · 04/07/2023 13:32

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:30

It's the choice of language that's unpleasant @Hibiscrubbed.

May I suggest you’re being over sensitive? How else would you word someone having had their own time when they were pregnant and able to make their own choices about things like this, but pointing out that time is no longer now?

tobee · 04/07/2023 13:32

See @crumpet post @NeverThatSerious

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