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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not work full time?

951 replies

Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:03

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

OP posts:
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15
RoomOfRequirement · 04/07/2023 11:07

YABU. Being subsidized by a partner only works when they're happy to do so.

You have 2 teen/almost adult children, you can DEFINITELY pick up more hours than 16, even if you don't go fully up to 40.

Sissynova · 04/07/2023 11:08

One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing.

Such a random comment. You can pick a choose little bits to be like 'I paid for it all, he paid for nothing!'. Covering half the food shops and a few odds and ends is really nothing compare to the mortgage/rent/bills and everything else it costs to run a family financially.

Personally I think it is pretty entitled to unilaterally make the decision that you don't want to work more than a few hours due to preference and therefore your partner has to fund basically the whole family life. It isn't as though you are looking after children, they are out at school all day, your partner is out working and you just have 5 free days a week until a few hours in the evening. Doesn't sound like a very fair split at all.

RudsyFarmer · 04/07/2023 11:09

Are you happy for your partner/husband to go part time?

cocksstrideintheevening · 04/07/2023 11:10

What if he went part time?

Can your son get a bike?

What percentage do you contribute to the household income?

Who is paying bills / mortgage etc?

38andtrying · 04/07/2023 11:11

if you are able to pay half of all bills on your part time wages he should mind his own business, if you can't and he is paying part of your half, then yes you should be trying to pick up more hours to contribute to the house running costs, why not try and even pick up a PT role WFH say customer service or something?

Peony654 · 04/07/2023 11:13

You mention what you pay for but presumably your partner pays the big household bills like mortgage/rent, utilities, council tax etc. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to work more hours now your kids are that age. What would you do if your partner wanted to work part time? Assuming you're not married, you have no financial protection if you split and you'd then have a very low income on your own. I think your son needs to find an alternative way to travel as well, not rely on you.

Original poster
Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:13

RudsyFarmer · 04/07/2023 11:09

Are you happy for your partner/husband to go part time?

Yes I am, we've had this discussion, he said if I can get a job that pays the same. But then I'll still have all the household work because I know for a fact he won't do it.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 04/07/2023 11:13

Part time is fine if your partner feels supported. In this case that’s not the case. I don’t see why he should have to do all the financial heavy lifting in perpetuity.

Your kids are both at secondary school so it’s hard to argue that you need to work around their needs.

Also the logic that you can’t leave a job because you might not like the next one is ludicrous: if you applied that logic across the board no one would ever change anything in their life.

I think you should start to work FT.

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 04/07/2023 11:15

YABU. Also why do you have separate finances and aren’t married despite having children?

Wherewithout · 04/07/2023 11:17

What do you do for the rest of the week while your kids are at school? I can understand working part time to reduce childcare costs when kids are small, but I can completely see where your partners resentment comes from at this stage.

lanthanum · 04/07/2023 11:18

I remember a friend saying that when they took on more hours, one of the conditions was sitting down and reallocating chores. (I'm very envious, because her DH took on responsibility for the bathrooms, which is the bit I hate most!) The more hours you do, the more he'll have to take on.

Will you actually be back from work in time to give your lad a lift to the station? I know you're happy in your current job, but maybe it is time to branch out and risk a change. Daytime hours might fit better now - not necessarily full-time, but perhaps a few more hours now that the children are more independent.

blackbeardsballsack · 04/07/2023 11:18

I think you are being really selfish.

Babsexxx · 04/07/2023 11:19

This all depends massively really if he pays for all the really important shit i.e roof over your head bills etc and your just buying bits and bobs of course yabu!!!

Original poster
Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:19

cocksstrideintheevening · 04/07/2023 11:10

What if he went part time?

Can your son get a bike?

What percentage do you contribute to the household income?

Who is paying bills / mortgage etc?

Yes, a bike is a possibility although it makes me nervous as it's a busy a road. I would say maybe 70/30 bill wise but as I stated I pay for the majority of the kids things as well. I also don't co own the house, the mortgage and house is my partner's.

OP posts:
Clarachuff · 04/07/2023 11:21

Of course YANBU......If you go ft. You will be lumbered with most of the housework as you say.

drpet49 · 04/07/2023 11:22

Wherewithout · 04/07/2023 11:17

What do you do for the rest of the week while your kids are at school? I can understand working part time to reduce childcare costs when kids are small, but I can completely see where your partners resentment comes from at this stage.

This.

Mylovelygreendress · 04/07/2023 11:22

Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:19

Yes, a bike is a possibility although it makes me nervous as it's a busy a road. I would say maybe 70/30 bill wise but as I stated I pay for the majority of the kids things as well. I also don't co own the house, the mortgage and house is my partner's.

Show quote history

Does it not worry you that if you separate you will have no rights to the house ?

Original poster
Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:24

PeachesOnTheBeaches · 04/07/2023 11:15

YABU. Also why do you have separate finances and aren’t married despite having children?

We're not married because we're not living in Victorian times. We have a joint account that I contribute to every month. The house and mortgage are my partner's.

OP posts:
PeachesOnTheBeaches · 04/07/2023 11:26

Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:24

We're not married because we're not living in Victorian times. We have a joint account that I contribute to every month. The house and mortgage are my partner's.

Show quote history

Oh I see. So he won’t marry you, he didn’t put you on the mortgage and he’s funny about money?

You’re on unstable ground here and it’s going to come around and bite you in the ass.

Nagado · 04/07/2023 11:26

I think it depends entirely on what percentage you’re contributing to the household expenses. If it’s 50% then I could see how your partner might be keen to improve your living standards but, ultimately, the choice is yours. If it’s less than 50%, your partner is not money obsessed. You no longer have the responsibility of childcare so why should the lion’s share of the bills be on his shoulders?

My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? Are you serious? You think you should only do jobs you enjoy, even if the pay isn’t enough to pay your share?

And your son either needs to get a bus or get a bike.

Nagado · 04/07/2023 11:27

I took way too long typing!

nutbrownhare15 · 04/07/2023 11:27

Over the next week work out how many hours you spend doing all the housework and childcare that he doesn't do. A fair split between you would be taking these hours into the equation. I'm guessing that it's around or even more than 24 over a 7 day week so this may actually be fair. If he wants you to work more paid hours I'd be saying he'll have to take on some of these tasks at home. Unpaid work is still work.

DustyLee123 · 04/07/2023 11:27

It looks like you are in a very poor financial situation. You don’t own a house or have a rental agreement. You are working PT.
Do you have a private pension ? Have you checked your NI contributions and your pension forecast ?

Curlyhairedassasin · 04/07/2023 11:27

I think in the absence of caring responsibilities (children with SN, or young children for example), working part time should be agreed by both partners. It shouldn't be a unilateral decision when the other partner has to carry on being the main bread winner and is not happy about it.

Also, someone going to college should be able to make it to the train on its own? Or does your child have SN/mobility issues. I think it is a bit of a lame excuse.

Looks also like you are not even married. It is a no brainer to go full time in that case with older children. It's not only about your earning now but also about building up a pension for example. If you were split up, you are entitled to nothing, not the house, not his pension. All you did was enabling him to pay off his mortgage and earn a full time wage and build up a pension whilst the kids were younger without protection yourself. For that reason alone I would seek full time employment.

Sissynova · 04/07/2023 11:27

We're not married because we're not living in Victorian times.

And yet you think women aren't obligated to work and financially provide as much as men.