To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

We're not married because we're not living in Victorian times.

What does this even mean?
Are you suggesting marriage is old fashioned? Yet you're expecting your male partner to provide for you financially?

Oh and btw, if you split up you're screwed..... being married would give you protection but currently you could end up homeless.

Where to start! CAB has a good guide marriage v cohabitation.
You are in a very vulnerable financial position.
If he leaves where will you live and how will you pay for it.
If he leaves you how much pension do you have.
If he dies who inherits house? Has he named you as beneficiary on his pension. Has he got a will.
One of best things I read on here which sums up your position is men pay for assets, women pay for donkey work. He’s got a house, you’ve been paying for kids
In 4 years time you split he doesn’t owe you a penny. You need to be thinking full time work to support self.
I’d also add have you looked at student finance if son is thinking of uni - most students don’t get full maintenance loan and patents are expected to contribute.

I wouldn't be happy paying 50/50 for a situation I had no property rights in.

You have put yourself in a horrific position.

Not married, no career, house in boyfriend name.

Wow.

Once you do get a full time job, employ a cleaner and pay equally for it. Or he does equal share to you.

I think the poster is not making any point about “rigid conventions “ but more around why are some women actually so naive or downright stupid to not be married before kids arrive.
It has everything to do with the way the law still stands - protecting your rights legally and financially is not a “rigid convention”

yep, you can get all those rights by signing individual documents like Wills, LPOA etc , but it’ll cost you a damn sight more than a quick registry office marriage certificate. And no amount of individual legal documents will give you rights like inheritance tax advantages .

You’re absolutely right- OP it might be worth you having a chat with a solicitor about whether you could be covered by a cohabitation law?

I've had to work part time to provide childcare free and now don't have a pot to piss in or window to throw it out of but partner has plenty of money and the security of the house.

And this is why it comes up again and again on here to protect yourself if you are in anyway reducing your earning potential to look after the kids, you didn't HAVE to, you chose to, this isn't about SAHM vs WOTP, but you are in an extremely vulnerable situation now. So I'd be getting career orientated pretty sharpish. It's frustrating, but there really is no reason to have not foreseen this, you're in the best case scenario of what you could have been envisaging 14 years ago.

Well as best case as it can be, being reliant on a Dick (in every sense of the word).

There’s no such thing as cohabitation law.

I think the fact that you’ll end up doing everything at home is a good enough reason to stay part-time. This adds value to the family too. And you’ll struggle to do everything at home and work full time if your partner isn’t inclined to do his share. However 16 hours isn’t very many at all. Is there a compromise to be made somewhere? Could you say go up to 24 hours for example?

Part time only works if he's on board too. You can't expect him to subsidise or financially support you if he's not happy to..
Is he the kids father?

Remember that chores should be shared between your two teenage children as well.

So he keeps the roof over your heads but fannying about doing a few hours is ok cause you bought a prom outfit? Please get a hold of yourself. If he walked out tomorrow because he’s sick of supporting you, what would you do? Your kids are years too old to blame them for your lack of work ethic. And getting up at 2:40 doesn’t preclude laziness when you can go back to bed at 9 if you so choose! Some people get up at 4 and do a full 8 hour day then the house/children stuff. You need to recognise your extreme privilege here and value your partner for supporting this for so long.

What cohabitation law?! No such thing as common law marriage assuming Op in England.
Establishing a beneficial interest in a property is complex and very expensive in legal fees and is only possible if Op had contributed substantially to deposit or perhaps make significant renovations and has evidence eg paid for extension.

This! Go to a solicitor asap.

I see this both ways, OP. Yes, it does sound as though you could/should take on more work. If you like the job you have but there aren’t more hours available could you find something similar on the other days (not necessarily also nights)? After all, if your eldest is about to start college it won’t be that long before he can be more independent.
However, we also have some elements of the men we hear so much about on MN who don’t think they should do anything around the house or for the DC. This is unacceptable and, since you have used the term, Victorian.
I agree with those who say you must get yourself some kind of financial security in case you split or DP becomes very ill or dies - does he even have a will? I also agree with those who say that, if you start working more hours, the quid pro quo is that he must do more at home,

Lots of people cohabit, but to me lack of a public commitment ie marriage might possibly mean one of us was waiting for a better offer! But that's just me 🙃However, if you are in a long term relationship, and you trust each other, why not just put all your money in one account, discuss major outlays and just take money out as and when necessary? To me, that's the simplest way of doing things - but then, I'd trust my husband with my life...

I hate this.

Women, spend years working part time around everyone else's needs, be on call for whenever you're needed, do the majority of the scut-work, then once the kids are a bit older and life can finally get a bit easier for you it's time that you go full time to work (plus continue doing all the other things you've always done).

Fuck that.

Women need to start making contracts at the beginning of these relationships. An understanding that if you're going to be the bottom of the heap priority-wise, putting everyone else first, then it's fair enough that eventually you get some time off.

OP, YANBU. You have worked around everyone else for years, I don't think a couple more years working part-time in a job you enjoy is an unreasonable request.

Lazym
I couldn’t sleep at night if I was in such a financially vulnerable position. You could literally be made homeless tomorrow, with a part time job and I am assuming a low pension.

@RecycleMePlease I hear you and it's why I work part time, but we are married, my name is on the mortgage and DH has a will in my name, plus we have joint bank accounts. Op seems vulnerable.

I’d be getting a full-time job pdq if I were in your precarious situation, housing wise.

Just out of interest, how do you know that’s what’s happened here? Despite it being 2023, plenty of women still simply don’t want to work and fully embrace the “man as provider” role. Not every part time working woman is a sacrificial lamb whose husband won’t let her work full time because there’ll be no one to do his dishes.

My SIL, for example, hasn’t worked full time a day in her life. Nothing to do with her husband or children, just lazy with no work ethic. I also have an ex-friend who “decided to have a baby because I can’t be arsed working anymore and if I agree to have one he’ll let me stay at home.”

I’m probably biased by my own experiences because both parents worked when I was a child and all my friends with children work, several are the breadwinner like myself.

Not to mention she doesn't even own the house! Why should she be paying towards that if he's not going to even do her the decency of marrying her to give her a bit of protection, or at the very least putting her on the deeds of the house

YANBU op!!

I feel both of your salaries should be pooled, the bills paid, and then what’s left split half for each of you to do as you wish.
Can your monthly finances afford you working part time? You could say to your DH that you’ll go back to work, and show the cost of what you do- the cost of a bike for son to train station, the weekly pay for 5 hours house cleaning, etc etc. Maybe he will see more value in what you contribute.
you also can’t force someone to financially subsidise you.. if he wanted to go part time etc what would you say? He also has that right although I hope he was fairer with money when you had young children. Doesn’t sound much of a partnership to me tbh x