To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

You may have a pretty awful retirement with the current set up. No rights to the property if you separate. You are correct, we are not living in Victorian times, which is why you have to be more savvy!

But then I'll still have all the household work because I know for a fact he won't do it.

and

From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it.

are the problem. f he is money obsessed then the chances are that he doesn't value either the time that you put into doing unpaid graft around the house or the time it frees up for him to swan off when ever he fancies. Therefore my guess is that he won't pull his weight around the house or with the DC if you went full time. I suggest that you ask for a dummy run of him doing 50% of the housework and 50% of the childcare so that you can see if your upping your hours would work. Make it clear that its only going to work if this happens or your increased earnings are used to pay for a cleaner.

I don't see anything erong with you working part time if you are also doing the majority of the work in the home. Count up how many hours you do cooking, cleaning etc and put it to your husband that you'll happily look for more hours once you've worked out how you're going to split all the hours you do in the home between the two of you.

Alternatively, could you ask your work for an extra morning per week? Or afternoon etc.

We're not married because we're not living in Victorian times

Op is this a line your partner has spun you to avoid getting married?

@OnlyFannys

Exactly my thoughts. My sister is in a similar situation but apparently it’s ‘just a piece of paper’ all fed to her from her partner of course. I just can’t believe women still do this.

The issue is less about part time/ full time but working out how much your household requires to run.

I'd happily never work full time again. But I earn as much as my husband does full time, mortgage will be paid by time kids are at secondary and we have reasonable savings. It costs me in pension but I'm in a really good scheme compared to most.

Life has been set up around me earning at this level and although my husband does more hours, he has a lot less stress and isn't pushed to take on more responsibility.

Are you financially secure? Is it a struggle if the boiler breaks or car needs repair or replacement? If the answer to this is yes then part time is fine but if a few more hours would make a big difference then it seems daft not to do them.

Yikes, you’ve chosen to make yourself hugely vulnerable, you should source secure housing for yourself, your boyfriend doing no housework seems like some shitty misogynist power play for him allowing you to live in his property. Fuck that. Not worried about him ever kicking you out, or how you’ll afford to live when you’re too old to work?

YABU you don’t even need to do full time hours but definitely more than 16 hours. It sounds like your partner isn’t happy subsidising you now which is fair enough.

What plans have you in place to mitigate all these disadvantages you’ll be at, OP?

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

I could never work PT knowing my partner was taking the financial burden.

What happens if he loses his job or he ends the relationship?

As a single parent I’ve always worked FT and so I don’t buy childcare excuse.
Yes when they were very young it’s different but they’re old enough now that you cannot use that as an excuse.

My sister went through an almost identical situation where she was working FT and her DP refused to work more than PT and I said to her at the time that I would end my relationship over it because I felt he was so selfish.

Your arsey comment about not living in Victorian times has backfired spectacularly. You live in his house, he’s the primary breadwinner and not being married means you have no financial security as a contingency. A bit thick really. And for the record, nobody wants to work full time but plenty manage to get off their backside to do so.

Tbh OP from the initial post i couldn't have rolled my eyes harder at you having a lovely PT job but partner works FT.
Then i read on and your finances/set up is only really beneficial to your partner if you split (always work on the worst-case scenario if you are asking questions, then the least worst etc)

Assuming you all toddle on - college age son is old enough to work out that he needs a bike, or how to use public transport, btw - until you get your meagre pension. Are you liking how your retirement looks from here?

Bottom line: you need a LOT more security. Much much more. Working FT is a step in that direction.

Seems a fair transaction. She can’t be arsed working full-time so you can damn right he can expect the home to be clean given he’s subsiding her to swan about in it whilst he’s working.

Honestly it's not so much that her children are older as if you're a SAHM who is married or at least has her own money and owns half the house and can afford being at home it's different to just being boyfriend and girlfriend with no ownership in the home or your own solid income.

If you divorce after years of marriage, you get a cut of his pension and maybe spousal maintenance. You have more financial rights as a married woman.

I think too many women have been misled by fake feminism thinking that they are liberated by not getting married or by having casual sex or wearing whatever they want .. the world doesn't work this way.

Well, no. Plenty of parents, possibly most, work full time and manage to pay for child care when necessary. You could at the very least have started working longer hours when your youngest started school. This has been your choice.

Is there any reason why the children can't contribute to the housework, and why your oldest can't get himself to the station? I agree the quid pro quo for you working full time is your partner taking on more of the housework, but there need to be equal shares all round.

I was part time until my youngest went to secondary and then went back to full time. The extra money has quite frankly been a lifeline over the last year or so as prices have risen. It means we dont have to modify our lifestyle too much.

How much is your (his) mortgage likely to go up at the end of a fixed term if any? You may well need to increase your hours then if not before. You’re actually very fortunate to be in that position if so to be honest.

Those of us who have always worked FT

We still have to do the household chores, the life admin, the DIY, the gardening etc

Get your children to do more chores

Start looking at bus routes for your child that will be going to college

Start looking at cost of driving lessons for your child, car insurance, car

Working PT is a luxury

I've had to work part time to provide childcare free...

It should have been a shared expense so he should have either contributed his time or money to it either allowing you to continue to work, or provide financially so as to not leave you with zero.

Still too many women giving up their own security to stay at home.

It sounds like you're in a very vulnerable position now, OP. I hope you manage to get something sorted. I would definitely go full time and gain some financial security!

@Wife2b fair enough 😄. Never ceases to amaze me the amount of these threads, where women, often decades in to depending on a boyfriend to house them, have never once looked in to how vulnerable they’ve chosen to make themselves.

Women need to start making contracts at the beginning of these relationships. An understanding that if you're going to be the bottom of the heap priority-wise, putting everyone else first, then it's fair enough that eventually you get some time off.

popping off to the registry office and getting married is the cheapest way.

Bruh... this was straight savage for no reason

You need to realise that your current situation is very poor. You have children, are not named on his mortgage or married to him. Now the kids are older he wants you to get a full time job.

I would be looking into going back to full time employment. You need to building up your own savings and pay into a private pension in your name.
If your partner wants you to work full time it means that your no longer going to do all the house work, washing or provide a taxi service for the kid's and he needs to be aware of that.
I would also tell him well since we are not married and I am not named on the house mortgage I am sure you will understand that I won't be paying half of your mortgage or half the household bills as I need to build up my savings and pay into a private pension now.
If you and him split up tomorrow you have no legal rights to his house and his pension.

You may say its not Victorian times and you don't need to be married but the reality is that marriage protects you both legally. For example if either of you were in a serious accident the hospital will contact your parents about medical treatment.
Neither of you are entitled to the state widows/widowers pension for the person left behind and the children after a death or the extra tax benefits in this situation either.

Along with this some work places have good extra death in service benefits but they might only pay out to a husband/wife. Also if your married and he dies inheritance and tax laws are far better than if your single.

You need to realise that your current situation is very poor. You have children, are not named on his mortgage or married to him. Now the kids are older he wants you to get a full time job.

I would be looking into going back to full time employment. You need to building up your own savings and pay into a private pension in your name.
If your partner wants you to work full time it means that your no longer going to do all the house work, washing or provide a taxi service for the kid's and he needs to be aware of that.
I would also tell him well since we are not married and I am not named on the house mortgage I am sure you will understand that I won't be paying half of your mortgage or half the household bills as I need to build up my savings and pay into a private pension now.
If you and him split up tomorrow you have no legal rights to his house and his pension.

You may say its not Victorian times and you don't need to be married but the reality is that marriage protects you both legally. For example if either of you were in a serious accident the hospital will contact your parents about medical treatment.
Neither of you are entitled to the state widows/widowers pension for the person left behind and the children after a death or the extra tax benefits in this situation either.

Along with this some work places have good extra death in service benefits but they might only pay out to a husband/wife. Also if your married and he dies inheritance and tax laws are far better than if your single.

Good advice, I would agree with this, as rubbish as it is working full time with kids it does give you independence

Don't you worry about your pension and savings? You can't felt on anyone to support you in the future when you cannot work.You are in a financially weak position.
Think about this when considering staying at home all day.
Inform your dp that you will expect him to help with the household chores when you work and that you will pay your share of bills etc but also want to save up.
If your relationship ended tomorrow your be in serious trouble so start looking for jobs now,don't rely on your dp to pay your way for you when you have the ability to be independent.