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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not work full time?

951 replies

Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:03

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

OP posts:
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15
TimesRwo · 04/07/2023 11:28

Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:24

We're not married because we're not living in Victorian times. We have a joint account that I contribute to every month. The house and mortgage are my partner's.

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I guess if things go wrong and he throws you out with nothing, you won’t be able to rely on those Victorian times practices to claim a rightful share and you’ll have only your 16 hour a week salary to pay rent, bills, etc.

Original poster
Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:29

Mylovelygreendress · 04/07/2023 11:22

Does it not worry you that if you separate you will have no rights to the house ?

Show quote history

Yes it does, partner not so much. But judging most of the comments I'm the bad guy. My partner certainly doesn't struggle as he has plenty of money to buy guitars, fishing equipment, new bikes.

OP posts:
Niftyswiftie · 04/07/2023 11:30

He is totally fair to ask you to work more hours at this point. You don't have young kids or childcare to work around.

Whadda · 04/07/2023 11:30

Are they his children?
Are you married?
Do you have a pension?
What’s your housing situation- renting or own?

Unilaterally deciding to stay home while someone else picks up the bills isn’t reasonable.

Your children don’t need care and it sounds like you don’t want to work out of laziness. That’s fine if you’re in a financial position to do so, but I’m guessing you’re not and need to be subsidized by your partner.

Nagado · 04/07/2023 11:30

We're not married because we're not living in Victorian times. We have a joint account that I contribute to every month. The house and mortgage are my partner's

Really? Because your partner is the one who owns the property and is paying the majority of the bills, while you’ve brought up the children and now want to do a part time job for a bit of pin money. It doesn’t sound like a particularly modern arrangement to me.

Curlyhairedassasin · 04/07/2023 11:31

We're not married because we're not living in Victorian times.

What a short sighted comment to make:
Marriage comes with tons of legal protections esp of you give up work/reduce hours to raise a family.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/07/2023 11:31

You partner needs to understand that if you go full time ALL chores, cooking, laundry are split evenly.
You won't be working fulltime AND picking up the slack.

JADS · 04/07/2023 11:31

I would work more hours, maybe a second job cleaning, but I would be putting that money into savings or a pension. If you are paying 30% bills and not on the mortgage, I wouldn't be paying extra.

Whadda · 04/07/2023 11:32

i delayed hitting send in my last post and see you’ve answered some of my questions.

Laughing at the “not in Victorian times” comment response when you’re financially dependent on a boyfriend for housing.

LolaSmiles · 04/07/2023 11:33

YABU
Working part time is something that's an agreement for both people because one person being part time usually means that their partner/spouse is taking on more of the financial load.

I think it's understandable that some partners/spouses get to a point where they don't see themselves financially supporting another adult indefinitely.

It's irrelevant what he spends his money on OP. He's paying his financial responsibilities and then chooses to spend some of his earnings on things he enjoys, meanwhile you're annoyed that he's suggesting your work more than a couple of hours a day

riverlodge90 · 04/07/2023 11:33

YABU working part time is a privilege. You clearly cannot afford to work such low hours and are giving your children and partner a lower standard of living because you don't want to work more hours? This is lazy and selfish.

TallulahBetty · 04/07/2023 11:33

Not if you're expecting either the state or your partner (in your case) to subsidise you. Also, kids together, working PT and not married? Do women not learn from the horror stories?

arethereanyleftatall · 04/07/2023 11:33

Everybody would prefer to work part time op.

But on your side, it must also be lovely for him to just have to go to work and do nothing else.

Most people don't get that choice.

How many hours do you put in to children/house? How many does he?

How many hours do you put in to work? How many does he?

Add them up. Are they different?

As an absolute aside, you don't like him, he doesn't like you. Do with that what you will.

Original poster
Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:37

Curlyhairedassasin · 04/07/2023 11:27

I think in the absence of caring responsibilities (children with SN, or young children for example), working part time should be agreed by both partners. It shouldn't be a unilateral decision when the other partner has to carry on being the main bread winner and is not happy about it.

Also, someone going to college should be able to make it to the train on its own? Or does your child have SN/mobility issues. I think it is a bit of a lame excuse.

Looks also like you are not even married. It is a no brainer to go full time in that case with older children. It's not only about your earning now but also about building up a pension for example. If you were split up, you are entitled to nothing, not the house, not his pension. All you did was enabling him to pay off his mortgage and earn a full time wage and build up a pension whilst the kids were younger without protection yourself. For that reason alone I would seek full time employment.

Thank you. I've had to work part time to provide childcare free and now don't have a pot to piss in or window to throw it out of but partner has plenty of money and the security of the house. But now childcare costs aren't an issue he wants me working full time. I will take what you've said on board and might start looking.

OP posts:
Beezknees · 04/07/2023 11:37

I would work full time if I were you for your own sake. You're not married and your name isn't on the mortgage. If your partner gets fed up and wants to split up you will end up with nothing, and you will struggle to find a place to rent if you're only working part time.

BranchGold · 04/07/2023 11:38

Honestly op, really consider upping your hours/skills for yourself. If there’s resentment in your relationship now, you have very few rights if the relationship were to break down. Please consider your future. What are your personal pension plans? Would you consider going to college yourself? Maybe he’d be supportive of you getting some qualifications that could improve your job prospects and quality of life.

cocksstrideintheevening · 04/07/2023 11:40

You are in a very very vulnerable position.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 04/07/2023 11:41

He's going to have to start doing chores if you go ft.

Yanbu if he does no housework or spending time with the kids. You are contributing a great deal and are not selfish, ignore the trolls.

Could you increase your hours in the job you like temporarily, and reduce the housework so he can see what it's really like.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/07/2023 11:42

I’d look for full time work, divide household chores equally and use the extra money purely to give yourself some financial security. So 6 months worth of savings, up your pension contributions and investments.

Beezknees · 04/07/2023 11:43

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 04/07/2023 11:41

He's going to have to start doing chores if you go ft.

Yanbu if he does no housework or spending time with the kids. You are contributing a great deal and are not selfish, ignore the trolls.

Could you increase your hours in the job you like temporarily, and reduce the housework so he can see what it's really like.

I don't think she's being selfish but it's not a good idea to only be working part time when they aren't married and she isn't on the mortgage!

Luxell934 · 04/07/2023 11:43

Are they your husbands kids?

Why aren’t you on the mortgage? You have put yourself in a very vulnerable position and your partner has benefited and allowed this to happen.

I’d go back to work full time dependant on him splitting house hold chores and bills 50/50 and being put on the mortgage for your own security.

Original poster
Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:44

Whadda · 04/07/2023 11:30

Are they his children?
Are you married?
Do you have a pension?
What’s your housing situation- renting or own?

Unilaterally deciding to stay home while someone else picks up the bills isn’t reasonable.

Your children don’t need care and it sounds like you don’t want to work out of laziness. That’s fine if you’re in a financial position to do so, but I’m guessing you’re not and need to be subsidized by your partner.

Not married, children are ours, house/ mortgage is partners. I haven't worked normal hours for 14 years maybe the prospect is daunting for me but please don't tell someone who gets up at 2.40am four days a week is lazy.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/07/2023 11:46

You don’t have to work those hours though, it’s a choice. How much housework are your kids doing? It’s not up to you to do it all now and if you increase your hours its up to everyone in your family to pitch in.

SparklingMarkling · 04/07/2023 11:47

I would be making a long term plan to get some power and control back into my life. That starts with full time employment. What would you do if you split up? Where would you go? I wouldn’t want to contribute to this house if it wasn’t mine as well as my husbands. You’ve totally gave all of your power away.

Sissynova · 04/07/2023 11:47

Not married, children are ours, house/ mortgage is partners. I haven't worked normal hours for 14 years maybe the prospect is daunting for me but please don't tell someone who gets up at 2.40am four days a week is lazy.

It doesn't matter when you get up, you still only work 16 hours total. Even twice that isn't a full time role. When your reason is basically 'I don't want to' then yeah it is lazy. Your BF doesn't want to financially support you working PT just because, which is pretty fair.