To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

You could get a second part time job?

Ofcourse you should be making a proper contribution to household expenses. But I wouldnt be in your position re ownership of the house you live in. Far too unstable.

Wow didn’t realise you aren’t married!!! YANBU imo in that case

YANBU AT ALL.

You contribute more than money to the house.

My starting point would be that if I got another job to work full time then we need to employ a cleaner and a rotary for cooking because why should you work more hours than him? He is opting out of domestic labour.

My second point/question, is why do you, as a family, need more money? Is his expectation that you will get a a job that pays more than your current ones/start climbing the greasy pole? Is it a worry about bills or other expenses? Dies he expect you to contribute 50% to the family pot? Will he see the money or will you need to pay for more kid stuff? Can you do that with cutbacks? Does he want a bigger house and do you need that? What is he motivator?

Why on earth do women do this to themselves? Give up any semblance of work experience, career progression, pension, financial independence to be completely reliant on a man, and one at that who you're not even married to and hasn't even invited you as a partner in the family home! He could walk away at the drop off a hat with his home, savings, career and very likely the children as you'd have nowhere to house then and no way of financially supporting yourself and them.
This is NOT being a modern woman, it's lunacy

You get a full time job when he puts you on the house deeds.

This is where marriage would have been protection for you.. I get that you think it’s old fashioned but actually in your case it would’ve been only an advantage to you to get married. Legally It’s there to protect women in this exact situation

I can’t believe these men exist in real life who would need this discussion. Why can’t they both work full time and split house work and childcare? You know, like most people? Is it me? My DH does his 50% and so do most other men I know including my father in his sixties! Where are people of MN finding these men?

In fact OP yes you probably should get a full time job for your own security, but it would be a cold day in hell before I paid a penny more towards anything that would lighten my partners load if he's not willing to commit to me properly or give me any security in return for birthing and raising his children!

OP this is a really bad situation. You working full time or not is the least of your worries.

Im not a big fan of marriage, but it does protect you if you have kids and have given up your earnings/pension potential to raise kids.

This is the very reason I always say to young women to focus on careers and financial independence, it enables choice. As a lone parent this is really important to me.

You need to work out how do mitigate the risk you are now in, either pushing for a legal agreement/marriage or preferably getting yourself back into some kind of career. I'm very worried for you.

Honestly it sounds like you have a DP issue here and I would go and get a FT job if I was in your shoes to start building up an escape fund, pronto. If he decides to leave you you will be up shit creek without a paddle.

Are you kidding? Marriage is useful precisely because we still live in Victorian times.

You've had his kids, been his childcare, cooked him meals and he could move a young new girlfriend in tomorrow and you would have no chance of getting a new property unless you made your children officially homeless and into temporary housing.

Your contribution counts for nothing without that piece of paper. It's a contract to make you both equal.

Marriage is sold as an expression of love to women and men use that as a power to tell you you're a 'cool girl' and 'not like other women' to make you think it's your idea when they dont want to legally tie themselves to you.

I initially thought you were being unreasonable...but not married/not on the mortgage and partner not willing to step up with housework etc.
I'd use that free time to retrain or learn something you're interested in, get yourself some security. Keep the current job that you like while you work out what you want to do.
And a frank discussion about what you going full time work mean, in terms of his responsibilities in the house.
He's not unreasonable to suggest you increase your hours now you childcare responsibilities have changed, but he is unreasonable to expect this given your specific circumstances.

because they are individual people... no wonder financial abuse (which hit women far harder than men) is still so previlent when people still insist on such ridiculous historic views of handing off control of YOUR money and assets to the 'family unit'.

If you have been claiming child benefit your National Insurance "stamp" should have been paid this goes towards state pension & other benefits. You can check your own record here

https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

I think you need to be very careful that you don't end up financing his mortgage/lifestyle. This means that any contribution needs to be towards security for you and everyday expenditure. You say the split at the moment is 70:30, so say he earns 700 a month and you earned 300 (to make the maths easy), if you spend your 300 just on food and children, then he would need to be spending 300 on gas, electric, council tax etc. If he spends the remaining 400 on mortgage, his leisure etc you should not be contributing any extra towards that, you need to be putting money into savings, pension, leisure rather than towards the mortgage etc. You are vulnerable but you can take steps to work on it.

Is there anything that you really enjoy or could see yourself doing? Do you enjoy retail? Could you train towards management? Do you have any careers you wish you could do? You can drive, would you consider that for a career? If you are about 40 you still have almost 30 years left to work so now is a perfect time to upskill and find something new.

I would be concerned that he is readying you for separation by pushing you to take on full time.
You are in a very vulnerable position being unmarried and not jointly owning the house.
The joint bank account doesn't mean much as he can withdraw all the money and redirect his wages to a separate bank account in his name only.

I think it might be in your interest to take up more permanent and full time employment. Your children will fly the nest and your partner might leave you then you're homeless with no savings, older and not much of a career. The only housing available for a woman in this position will be a single room in a hostel or temp accommodation. You'll be stuffed.

How are you going to afford your retirement? You’re in such a precarious situation…

What if your relationship breaks up, or he dies and you’re homeless…

I’m always astonished by how many of my friends don’t work when they have secondary school children. Baffling and daft!

This thread is frightening. Your comments about marriage being stuck in Victorian times while you don't work full time, have no stakes in your own home, rely on someone else to work and look after you (mainly). Do you honestly not see the irony?
YABVU, get some independence, get a job that pays enough to actually support yourself and start being an adult. You don't have the luxury of just sitting at home all day everyday when the person paying for you doesn't want to continue.

Jesus woman - where will you live if you split up - how will you pay for a house working 16 h per week especially when your kids gave grown up and you won't get any child maintenance? What are you doing about a pension when you no longer wish to / can work - you aren't married so won't legally have any entitlement to your partner pension.

In the politest way I can muster get a full time job and start becoming financially independent

My DP is currently discussing leaving his current job and getting a min wage less stressful factory job 🙄 hes already a very low earner because he didn't want to take more on to get on and upwards at work. He just wanted to potter doing what he needed, no more, and now he wants to earn less too. Its been the elephant in the room for the last 10 years.

Not the same situation as yours but it resonated in that both parents have to be on board with one having additional stress re: providing for the family financially.

Fwiw if it helps you decide, I have already decided if DP does this we're over.

You should also check your state pension forecast. The state pension age for people now is 66, but it is 67 or 68 depending on your age

Would you rather be working PT now when you are younger or working PT in your 60s ?

If you work FT, you can pay into a private pension & potentially retire earlier than state pension age. Your employer should also put some free money into your pension pot. Example if you paid in 5% per month, your employer may also pay in 5% per month, each company is different. You are potentially missing out by only working PT !

https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

Exactly. Time and time again so many women put themselves in a precarious situation which can impact until death.

OP use this time now to earn as much as you can and get yourself sorted out pension wise.

Yikes.

OP you have no legal right to live in your home. You can only live there because your partner lets you. He could throw you out at any time and you would be homeless.

If you were married, your home would be legally yours too (even if it's in his sole name). You would have rights to his pension and other assets. He could not make you homeless.

A marriage certificate is a piece of paper which gives you legal and financial rights. You can get one by popping into a registry office with your partner in your lunch break. There's nothing Victorian about protecting yourself legally and financially. A "wedding" is strictly optional.