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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not work full time?

951 replies

Lazym · 04/07/2023 11:03

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

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OneGreyBiscuit · 24/09/2025 10:31

Ellyess · 11/07/2023 15:18

Wishing you all the best Lazym, you've made such enormous strides just by reaching out to people here. You very much deserve to have a happy and rewarding life in which you have no worries about your security.

Not regarding you with the respect and love you deserve and not appreciating everything you do for the family is a great sign that you could be dealing with a narcissist. If so, he will be unreasonable and make it impossible to have a proper conversation. It might help to look up narcissism beforehand just to be prepared. Here is a long list https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201412/is-your-partner-narcissist-here-are-50-ways-tell but note, a person does not have to fill all the criteria by any means, just enough to give the over-all picture of a person who only sees life from his own perspective and regards other people as being there for what he can get from them or what they do for his image or to make his life run easily.
For advice on trying to discuss family issues with a narcissist, I'd watch Stephanie Lyn on youtube. maybe . although she speaks very fast, obviously trying to get a lot in! Maybe look her up and scroll down the titles. There are so many aspects to dealing with a narcissist, but mainly it's learning to deal with emotional abuse without reacting. You first have to realise you are being abused. You may find a lot of Stephanie Lyn's talks useful. Remember a narcissist controls the person they abuse, runs them down until they have no self-esteem and think they do not deserve basic rights. They keep them away from friends and family. They like to make their victim dependent on them - say for somewhere to live - but will not pay for anything or share. They lie and manipulating - they use gaslighting so you doubt your reality. They use many techniques to control their victim such as keeping them short of money, talking down to them, not talking at all for hours or days on end... They keep manipulating to get a reaction until they break you. So if he has some of this in him - and it sounds as though he has - you need to be able to cope with it when you talk to him. Basically, don't let him upset you, don't try to explain or answer his stupid questions. keep to your list of points and talk calmly and in a low steady voice. He may be passive aggressive, which again isn't easy to spot especially when you have become used to it. It's when someone runs you down and walks away, never takes any notice of what you say. It is abuse.

Please congratulate yourself on getting this far. It's an enormous progress! Remember you have rights! He has to support his children and their mother at the very least, but by bringing you in to the home and you paying half and then being a mother and still paying into the account from which the mortgage was paid whatever he says, you have kept the roof over his and his children's heads.

You have rights!!
Good luck!
Be strong! Don't be put off if he is rude or dismissive.

Get a Solicitor.
Sending lots of love. Elle. 💐

Hi all who's still on here, I've had to quote as I no longer have this account. For anyone who's interested on an update 2 years down the line, I managed to get a council house in march and left. I upped my hours at work and am managing just fine without the man who apparently kept me (according to some posters). My now 18 year old lives with me and my now 14 year old shares her time between us. It is possible to get out of a bad relationship and I'm so glad I did before the gaslighting sent me into a mental breakdown.

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