To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

Just saw your update well done OP start taking back control.

I think the OP was totally correct to just reply to you with what she did. However, I will answer you. How is she lazy? Her OH has never done his share of housework, even when she did work full time. So he obviously won’t this time, so why should she go back full time and then still be expected to do 100% of the stuff at home? She isn’t lazy

I will in the next month be seriously sorting out my hours. I know I'm not going to be offered a house in the next week, it could take years but in that time I'm going to do all I can to amass a bit of savings. I would much prefer a shared ownership tbh. Thank you for your comment.

Indeed, no one's going to do it for me👌

Good luck OP, hopefully you will be happier having ditched your partner, he sounds awful to live with.

Thank you, I just can't be bothered to reply to the hateful comments anymore, I replied to one the other day and I was literally shaking doing it as I was so incensed with what they put. I've had varying opinions on here, I'm perfectly ok for people to have a different view on the situation but there's no need for rudeness or in the comment from the other day, barefaced lies.

Well done @Lazym !
I wish you all the best!

Great update Op. Very sensible getting more financially sorted before leaving.
Another easy fix is nominating your children not him as recipients of your pension/death in service.

Sorry, @speluncean quoted wrong person.

Ive asked for this to be deleted x

I've seen a new shared ownership on Rightmove, the right location for myself and the kids. I might go and view it today or tomorrow, if they let me have the extra hours at work it might be doable. I admittedly will need help with the deposit. My brother has had god knows how many thousands out of my mum through the years, so I'm hoping she'd help me out with the deposit. I really don't want to get my hopes up though as I think a mortgage lender will take one look at my current finances and laugh me out of the door.

Fingers crossed for you. You will only find out if you ask. Don't forget he will have to pay CMS unless he's going 50/50

Just as suspected, mortgage isn't accepted even on higher earnings than what I'm on at moment. My age is probably against me as well. So it's either private rental or social housing I'm looking at now. Bit buggered really! Will definitely be telling both my kids to sort themselves out by the time their in their twenties, so they're not in my predicament.

Get your name down for social housing and sit tight until you’ve got things sorted.
X

Thanks for your support, filled in application on sat for social housing, still waiting to hear

Definitely do this. Also talk to CAB about coercive control to see if the council will accept the financial shenanigans as meeting the standard for that as you might get more points.

Think I might need to do this, thanks

Did you speak to shared ownership? One near us starts at 25% buy and leaflet talks about for people leaving relationships etc. Good luck.

So glad to see your updates - I nearly unfollowed this thread cos some of the comments were so unpleasant & sneering, pleased I didn't 😁.

Good luck & congrats 🎉

Well done OP. Wishing you all the best.

You are a good parent and a good person which is far more than your P will ever be. What he has done to you may be legal but it is incredibly wrong morally

Thank you all for your kind comments, starting this thread has really made me see the light. I won't be making anymore comments as I don't think there's much I can add to it now that's not been said before. I've been making a list today of all the questions I need partner to answer, just picking the right time to ask, which won't be too much longer.

Good luck with it all. Hope your talk with your DP goes well. Keeping everything crossed for you.🤞 🌹

Well done OP, you're on the right road now 👏 👍

I've loved seeing you take back control Lazym. I wish you all the best

Wishing you all the best Lazym, you've made such enormous strides just by reaching out to people here. You very much deserve to have a happy and rewarding life in which you have no worries about your security.

Not regarding you with the respect and love you deserve and not appreciating everything you do for the family is a great sign that you could be dealing with a narcissist. If so, he will be unreasonable and make it impossible to have a proper conversation. It might help to look up narcissism beforehand just to be prepared. Here is a long list https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201412/is-your-partner-narcissist-here-are-50-ways-tell but note, a person does not have to fill all the criteria by any means, just enough to give the over-all picture of a person who only sees life from his own perspective and regards other people as being there for what he can get from them or what they do for his image or to make his life run easily.
For advice on trying to discuss family issues with a narcissist, I'd watch Stephanie Lyn on youtube. maybe . although she speaks very fast, obviously trying to get a lot in! Maybe look her up and scroll down the titles. There are so many aspects to dealing with a narcissist, but mainly it's learning to deal with emotional abuse without reacting. You first have to realise you are being abused. You may find a lot of Stephanie Lyn's talks useful. Remember a narcissist controls the person they abuse, runs them down until they have no self-esteem and think they do not deserve basic rights. They keep them away from friends and family. They like to make their victim dependent on them - say for somewhere to live - but will not pay for anything or share. They lie and manipulating - they use gaslighting so you doubt your reality. They use many techniques to control their victim such as keeping them short of money, talking down to them, not talking at all for hours or days on end... They keep manipulating to get a reaction until they break you. So if he has some of this in him - and it sounds as though he has - you need to be able to cope with it when you talk to him. Basically, don't let him upset you, don't try to explain or answer his stupid questions. keep to your list of points and talk calmly and in a low steady voice. He may be passive aggressive, which again isn't easy to spot especially when you have become used to it. It's when someone runs you down and walks away, never takes any notice of what you say. It is abuse.

Please congratulate yourself on getting this far. It's an enormous progress! Remember you have rights! He has to support his children and their mother at the very least, but by bringing you in to the home and you paying half and then being a mother and still paying into the account from which the mortgage was paid whatever he says, you have kept the roof over his and his children's heads.

You have rights!!
Good luck!
Be strong! Don't be put off if he is rude or dismissive.

Get a Solicitor.
Sending lots of love. Elle. 💐