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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend a total CF and disrespected my house

311 replies

Bubbly8382 · 04/07/2023 05:57

Hi

Still fizzing about this and would like some perspective before I either bin this friendship or create further distance.

long and short of it I have a pal who I’ve known over 20+ years and haven’t seen since way before the pandemic.

Ask if they can come up to visit me in me for a couple of days, obviously not a problem.

Its a long trip to mine, 12 hour drive, and they decided to commute by car.

Things started off fine but a few things made my blood absolutely boil.

  1. Friend smokes, I don’t and my partner is trying to quit. No issue with them smoking outside, but Friend stood in door way with all internal doors open so smoke drifted back into house making it stink.

  2. Friend kept walking about the house belching loudly, when I said ‘excuse me maybe?’ They just laughed and continued doing it.

  3. We had a take away one night, fish and chips, so oily wrappers. I have a suede leather sofa (you can see where I’m going) They were given a tray but decided to put the wrapper on the couch, staining it with oil, obviously I was quite upset about it, and I just got a feeble apology and no offer to help clean it, just continued to sit there eating loudly and burping away.

  4. Last but by far the worst……
    Friend advised they would be leaving the early hours to get home, again not a problem, and agreed for 5am…… Friend decides to get up at 3am, crash around like a herd of elephants, crashed around the kitchen getting food

(For context the sleeping area in my home is the opposite end from the kitchen on the same floor, but you can close the internal doors and then no one is disturbed)

I obviously angrily got up and made a sarcastic comment along the lines of ‘You’d make a shit ninja’ to which they laughed and said ‘I wasn’t that loud’

My partner and I had work that day, needless to say we were exhausted with our 3am wake up!

Im livid, and I never want them to stay again or at the moment see them again!

AIBU??

OP posts:
pompomdaisy · 04/07/2023 06:02

You sound like you didn't want the friend to stay really and also didn't mention anything remotely friendship like when they did.

It's your home but maybe you should have said 'look I'm a bit obsessive about noise and smoke and disruption so stay in a local hotel'

For that reason YABU.

PurpleChrayne · 04/07/2023 06:03

I'm confused by "they". Was it multiple friends? Just say he or she. It's hardly outing!

BlastedPimples · 04/07/2023 06:04

Weird responses so far.

Crap guest. Rude and entitled.

Don't have them again.

Even if they stay in a hotel, they will still smoke and stink out your house and make mess with food.

Northernsouloldies · 04/07/2023 06:06

A twelve hour drive should be enough distance between the two of you. Personally you just don't behave like that in someone's home. Chip wrapper on a sofa is just disrespectful and careless. Nope for a return visit.

StellaF · 04/07/2023 06:06

I wouldn’t worry about having to make a decision about distancing yourself, if any of this actually happened, your friend won’t come near you again if your posting style is anything like your normal demeanour.

potatosalad9 · 04/07/2023 06:09

You don't sound very friendly! It sounds like you had a bee in your bonnet about them being there in the first place and everything was going to annoy you about them.

Hellofromtheotherslide · 04/07/2023 06:11

The sofa thing was disrespectful. The rest though, I really couldn't get worked up over.

ExtraOnions · 04/07/2023 06:12
  1. Did you ask them to close the external door, or, close the internal doors yourself ?
  2. Some people are windier than others, don’t really understand the problem
  3. if your sofa is so precious, why are you having greasy chip papers anywhere near it ? Chips should be on a plate
  4. You could just have gone back to sleep after they left. You made a passive aggressive joke instead of just asking them to be quiet, or, close the doors yourself. You could also have gone back to sleep.
Skye85 · 04/07/2023 06:13

Sounds like youve out grown the friendship. Maybe they were feeling the same when they got up so early to leave.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 04/07/2023 06:14

Your friends sound like oiks

grizzlekick · 04/07/2023 06:19

ExtraOnions · 04/07/2023 06:12

  1. Did you ask them to close the external door, or, close the internal doors yourself ?
  2. Some people are windier than others, don’t really understand the problem
  3. if your sofa is so precious, why are you having greasy chip papers anywhere near it ? Chips should be on a plate
  4. You could just have gone back to sleep after they left. You made a passive aggressive joke instead of just asking them to be quiet, or, close the doors yourself. You could also have gone back to sleep.

This

devildeepbluesea · 04/07/2023 06:21

Hellofromtheotherslide · 04/07/2023 06:11

The sofa thing was disrespectful. The rest though, I really couldn't get worked up over.

This. I certainly wouldn’t be “fizzing”.

gemtart · 04/07/2023 06:27

I wouldn't want them in my house but – is this about behavioural differences (in which case just meet them outside of your house) or inconsideration? I'd say it's inconsideration only if they blatantly keep on doing it when asked not to.

What may have happened here was someone using laughter to defuse passive aggressiveness/tension/controlling comments (some people may view comments about belching as controlling). Or, they were just blatantly rude and stubborn. Hard to tell without seeing the interactions.

As for 3am I'm sympathetic because when I have to get ready at 3 or 4 to leave for a trip at 5am, I literally tiptoe around and shut cabinet doors in slow mo, but sometimes the way flats or houses are built, sound travels and is amplified! My DH still is convinced I just tromp around like a mariachi band but don't realise it...

gemtart · 04/07/2023 06:28

*when nicely asked not to. Eg don't get why you wouldn't just ask them to go a bit further out to smoke. Nicely of course

BodegaSushi · 04/07/2023 06:29

I should send my friend to stay with you, she's a farter as well as a belcher and an actual CF to boot. Thankfully she's a plane ride away. She's trying to arrange a visit but I'm busy sadly. My one horrendous stay with her means she never needs to worry about me darkening her doorstep again Grin

Zanatdy · 04/07/2023 06:32

Well bit of a rude houseguest, don’t invite them again. Just don’t let them come again

user1492757084 · 04/07/2023 06:34

All guests stink after two days and you certainly found that out! I hope something about the visit was delightful.
You could have been more forthright, without being rude..
At first whiff of smoke you should have asked for the door to be closed.
Eating fish and chips any where near the good sofa was a risk. Do you have a kitchen table?

The friends' belching was not nice but all humans are different and why we enjoy guests for short periods.
Getting woken at 5:00 am was not great but the end of your suffering was near..
Maybe your friends are not as in tune with you as they used to be.

CrocodileOenophile · 04/07/2023 06:35

PurpleChrayne · 04/07/2023 06:03

I'm confused by "they". Was it multiple friends? Just say he or she. It's hardly outing!

Maybe the friend uses they pronoun?

RichPetunia · 04/07/2023 06:36

I don't think you need to distance yourself as I don't think your guest will be in a hurry to come back.

Mooshroo · 04/07/2023 06:39

I think I’d laugh if someone called me a shit ninja.

PaigeMatthews · 04/07/2023 06:48

Why on earth were you all eating on the sofa and not at the table? A suede sofa?!?!

Smokers are slefish. Especially the ones who think theyre not as theyre never likely to admit it. And, come on now, you live with a smoker. Your house will always smell.

the belching is rude. True.

the noise at 3am was probably nowhere near as quiet as it would have sounded at 8am. And how was she supposed to react to it when you made a joke out of it?

she drove 12 hours to see you. When did you last go to hers?

Cherryhill22 · 04/07/2023 06:49

Ñone of the things you listed would bother me. You sound like you just don't like them.

poorbird · 04/07/2023 06:51

PurpleChrayne · 04/07/2023 06:03

I'm confused by "they". Was it multiple friends? Just say he or she. It's hardly outing!

Oh here we go with the ‘confusion’ and ‘bafflement’ already. What difference does it make if it’s male or female? You’re easily confused. I’m sure if you read it all again you’ll manage to get the gist of it.

Twattle · 04/07/2023 06:53

Some people are secretly tramps. You only see it when living with them.

You have the friendship version of the ick.

XiCi · 04/07/2023 06:54

ExtraOnions · 04/07/2023 06:12

  1. Did you ask them to close the external door, or, close the internal doors yourself ?
  2. Some people are windier than others, don’t really understand the problem
  3. if your sofa is so precious, why are you having greasy chip papers anywhere near it ? Chips should be on a plate
  4. You could just have gone back to sleep after they left. You made a passive aggressive joke instead of just asking them to be quiet, or, close the doors yourself. You could also have gone back to sleep.

Agreed.

You could easily have asked your friend to move into the garden and shut the door so smoke didn't get in.

Fish and chips should have been on a plate

If a friend had travelled 12 hrs to see me I'd have got up, had a cup of tea with them and waved them off in the early hours of the morning then gone back to bed.

The belching - a lot if people have gastro problems and would be belching after oily fish and chips. I'd have laughed about it with them and offered some gaviscon. No big deal