Friend a total CF and disrespected my house

[Bubbly8382]

Hi

Still fizzing about this and would like some perspective before I either bin this friendship or create further distance.

long and short of it I have a pal who I’ve known over 20+ years and haven’t seen since way before the pandemic.

Ask if they can come up to visit me in me for a couple of days, obviously not a problem.

Its a long trip to mine, 12 hour drive, and they decided to commute by car.

Things started off fine but a few things made my blood absolutely boil.

1. Friend smokes, I don’t and my partner is trying to quit. No issue with them smoking outside, but Friend stood in door way with all internal doors open so smoke drifted back into house making it stink.

2. Friend kept walking about the house belching loudly, when I said ‘excuse me maybe?’ They just laughed and continued doing it.

3. We had a take away one night, fish and chips, so oily wrappers. I have a suede leather sofa (you can see where I’m going) They were given a tray but decided to put the wrapper on the couch, staining it with oil, obviously I was quite upset about it, and I just got a feeble apology and no offer to help clean it, just continued to sit there eating loudly and burping away.

4. Last but by far the worst……
   Friend advised they would be leaving the early hours to get home, again not a problem, and agreed for 5am…… Friend decides to get up at 3am, crash around like a herd of elephants, crashed around the kitchen getting food

(For context the sleeping area in my home is the opposite end from the kitchen on the same floor, but you can close the internal doors and then no one is disturbed)

I obviously angrily got up and made a sarcastic comment along the lines of ‘You’d make a shit ninja’ to which they laughed and said ‘I wasn’t that loud’

My partner and I had work that day, needless to say we were exhausted with our 3am wake up!

Im livid, and I never want them to stay again or at the moment see them again!

AIBU??

Sometimes your friends just don't grow beyond a certain age. It's sad and you have to leave then behind.

Totally disrespectful! Horrible behaviour and certainly not a friend to ever have again!!

Consciously or subconsciously people try make people feel how they feel. He sounds like he was acting like an inconsiderate pig and it’s no rocket science for him to be that his own behaviour was offensive, rude. I think he rejects himself but wants to make like it’s okay behaviour so he can live with where he’s at. It’s not. You feel disrespected and he feels he has no self respect. Of course you aren’t unfriendly goodness you’re not asking him to babysit while u go out or clean your silver. Rushing like crazy to get to work so can’t even write this properly. Dm me if u want one on one support or me to explain

The fact they invited themselves would annoy me. My house used to be a flipping hotel. Do they reciprocate? I think when people stay you really see them how they are. It’s actually quite intensive and can really test friendships. It’s so different to just meeting friends locally or having them over for a few hours. You aren’t being unreasonable there’s clearly a difference between you guys and these points are just part of a bigger picture.

I see your point absolutely. Its your home that you work hard to furnish. I find your driend disrespectful. The smoking thing would get to me too, the belching is just plain rude, would they do that in a hotel restaurant? I wouldnt have them stay again.

If you are my friend you are ALWAYS welcome round my house.

Smoking? - Regardless whether you smoke - as an Adult myself, i would state end of garden or elsewhere (I hate the smell of smoke).
Burp - Go ahead.
Fart - go ahead
Stain my sofa? - No - but, also i would never give someone a load of oily fish and chips in a wrapper whilst sitting on a sofa (regardless of plate/tray). Dish it up in the kitchen and then take the plate/tray into the living room if there is no dining room.

Put your feet on my sofa and chill out and feel at home at my house - YES.

If you are visiting me and are getting up early then you can rest assured that i will be getting up to say goodbye etc regardless of time.

The “friend” was given a tray for their food, or can you just not read properly?

You sound like a delight. All of the things your complaining about could have easily been avoided. Chippy tea on plate, go out with your friend while they are having a cig and talk to them (closing the door behind you). I would have made them a packed lunch to eat on the long drive home, no ‘crashing’ about in the kitchen. If my friend had drove 12 hours to see me I would have got up and seen them off, not moaned about them making noise. Your friend put effort into seeing you, sounds like you didn’t put much effort into being a good hostess. Moaning about belching!! Come on!!

Those who think the belching is OK, would you not teach your child that belching continually belching is rude and just basic manners to not do it.

@Thegreatestgroaner

burping is minging

Why do you feel the need to be so rude towards me? Yes i can read properly (or maybe not as I'm dyslectic) BUT, my point is - if someone was visiting my home and we got fish and chips i wouldn't give them their fish and chips in their wrapper to then put on their own plates/tray WHILST sitting on my beautiful sofa.

As i stated - i would always dish up (whether that be on a plate/tray etc) in the kitchen (not my lovely sofa to then moan on mumsnet about the greasy wrappers staining my furniture)!

This :)

Of course - But, my friends aren't my children!

You said you were looking for perspective.

Apparently you weren't, then.

There has to be more to this. I find it hard to believe that anyone would bin a mate of over 20 years for the things you've listed.

Smoking - If your partner smokes then surely you can't be THAT offended by the smell of smoke. It will be on their clothes, hair, etc.
It's vile, I hate it, but when I have friends that come over that smoke in my garden on social visits I ignore it and after a while don't notice it.
Your friend went outside to smoke. If you were that upset then you should have asked if they would mind moving down garden, put a chair down there with an ashtray for them etc and closed the door. You didn't, they didn't realise it was an issue.

Burping - really. You want to bin a friend because they burped a lot. Oh come on! One COULD say, it could be viewed as a compliment that they feel so comfortable around you. It might not be your favourite thing but seriously, you might need to get a bit of a grip on this one!

Food - The food on the sofa is bad but how is it disrespectful if you let them sit there? Had you all sat at the table using knives and forks and they curled up on your sofa to eat, then yes, rude, but it doesn't sound like it went down that way. I would never let anyone eat on my sofa, it would never be an option. But if there wasn't a table, or room at the table, then you should have put a blanket or old towel down.

Waking you up - shit happens. They were louder than they realised, big deal, whoops, you woke early, bit tired the next day, so what?!

You asked for perspective - you seem to have made a huge issue out of things that wouldn't bother the majority of us on here.

Get over it or don't, it's your call. But if you choose not to it might be good to realise some things about YOURSELF here and stop projecting them on to others.
They came a long way to see you. I feel sorry for them, they shouldn't have bothered!

I think your friend was very rude! If you go to stay with someone else you stick to their rules! How disrespectful! You are not being unreasonable!

What rules?

That’s what I thought 😂

Yes- I actually think that inviting himself (unless he was experiencing a crisis, or unless their relationship is one where casually staying with one another is normal) was ruder than any of the specific actions of which OP complains

I'd have had to say something because it's not a nice habit and would get on my nerves.

Bubbly8382 I've read all your comments but haven't time to read all the thread, sorry.
First I really sympathise, I've had same happen twice.No, make that three times.
Next, regarding the miserable trolls who are saying nasty things on here - just ignore them! They are probably like the 'friend' who was so rude and thoughtless in your home and recognise their own egregious behaviour in your description here, so are embarrassed and want to hit out. I know there are lots of nasty people on MN who like to say horrible, crushing things. They use social media as a kind of game or outlet for their ignorant, evil behaviour. Ignore them.

Regarding this 'friend', nothing shows people's true colours like having them stay in your home, and I would certainly never have him back. He is offensive, ill-mannered, selfish and behaves worse than a pig.

I try never to have to stay in anyone's home actually, simply because I don't like leaving my dogs! But if I do need to be away I stay in a hotel. I love the independence! Never the less, over the years I have given in to invitations and stayed with friends probably about three times. I try to blend in quietly, help with chores, never sit on their favourite chair, listen rather than talk, and always treat them to a meal or pay for a takeaway and send flowers and thanks when I get home.

I've just thought, recently, I had a male friend stay with me. He did a massive amount of gardening. Sorted out lots of things in the house that I couldn't do as I'm disabled. Brought his own food in case I was ill. Didn't need a bed, but brought his own, although I did give him one, and even brought a film and his computer to show it to me.

Now that's the kind of visitor I love! I am so lucky to know him. He has been before and once mended the roof! God bless him!

lcl I agree! I had endless people inviting themselves to stay with me when I moved to a pleasant part of England. It was very difficult, particularly as I was widowed, disabled and struggling in many ways. This 'friend' of the OP is selfish and thinks he's entitled to put upon his friends. Sounds like traits of narcissism.

Ok - but, why would you need to ask what someone would teach their child?

An adult staying and burping (not sure where you picked up that they were doing it continually) isn't their child to 'teach' manners to.

Of course as an adult if something was to get on your nerves then just speak to your friend.

Thank you for your kind reply 🙂

Friend kept walking about the house belching loudly, when I said ‘excuse me maybe?’ They just laughed and continued doing it.

The OP said the above so CONTINUALLY.

I would have said something.