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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I do something wrong?

331 replies

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:15

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

OP posts:
SatOnBeckysHill · 02/07/2023 18:18

Hmm hard to say

Don't overthink it op!

veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 18:19

I would find that strange and OTT.

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:19

@SatOnBeckysHill where do I even go from here with our friendship? Feels a bit awkward now

OP posts:
DarkHollowTree · 02/07/2023 18:20

Bizarre. (Her reaction, not you)
That was really kind and thoughtful of you imo - really lovely 🌹

Totaly · 02/07/2023 18:20

She was off loading her feelings and instead of listening and keeping them - you’ve sent them back.

You were being an emotional support and now that’s been taken away.

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:21

I didn’t mean it that way…

OP posts:
bibbityboppityboo · 02/07/2023 18:21

It's a nice thought behind the gift, but perhaps not something she wanted to have to display in her home? I know I wouldn't want that sort of thing sent to me (especially if you didn't know the person), if she's trying to talk about feelings and you've just framed them it might be hard for her to see.

Either way she's thanked you for the intent but just let you know she doesn't want anything further. I think it's probably best just to leave it for a while and perhaps make neutral plans in the future.

Cakesandbabes · 02/07/2023 18:21

You are a gifter, aren't you...

You just continue friendship as you were an don't send gifts

MirandaWest · 02/07/2023 18:21

Was she sending them to you for you to keep and then she felt upset to have them sent back to her?

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:22

@Cakesandbabes I am, it’s my way of communicating my care.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 02/07/2023 18:22

I'd take it in face value and respect your friend's wish. It was a thought thing to do for her, nothing wrong with it.

it isn't about you, she doesn't want you to send anything, she's probably overwhelmed with the grief of losing her friend and doesn't know how to deal with anything at the moment.

let things rest and keep in touch with her in an undemanding way. Be guided by her needs and if there aren't any, then that's OK as well.

Balloonhearts · 02/07/2023 18:22

Doesn't want the reminder just yet, I'd think. Probably still too raw. She acknowledged the kind intent behind it but just can't cope with it yet. I'd not take it personally.

Luxell934 · 02/07/2023 18:23

I don't think you did anything wrong. But I think maybe she's going through a hard time, and maybe it was too soon for a gift like that. I would just leave it at that, and try to carry on the friendship as normal.

daisychain01 · 02/07/2023 18:23

thoughtful

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:23

She texted me the photo & poem - I printed and framed them

OP posts:
Helloits2023 · 02/07/2023 18:23

It was obviously kindly meant from you, and your friend understands that (hence thanking you for the kind intent). But she didn’t like the gifts- perhaps she felt it was an overstep, telling her how to grieve/remember her friend, or an unwanted intrusion into her private grief. People are (obviously) extremely sensitive at times like these, so it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong, just in this situation it was unwelcome.

Daffidale · 02/07/2023 18:23

I don’t think you did anything wrong. Just for whatever reason it’s not what she needs right now. Don’t over think it. She says she appreciates the kind intent but to please not send her anything else. All you need to do is respect her wishes.

Allmyghosts · 02/07/2023 18:23

Seems like a nice thoughtful gesture to me. Wasn't appreciated obviously but I wouldn't feel bad about it.

Aprilx · 02/07/2023 18:24

She sent you things and you sent them back, like you didn’t want them. I mean I know that was not your intention, but it might be how she interpreted it. I would just give her a bit of space for now.

redskytwonight · 02/07/2023 18:24

You're a person who shows love by giving gifts and she's a person who finds gifts onerous. Particularly about something that she's struggling with the emotions of anyway. Her response suggests that she is trying to not give offense with her message.

Just don't send her any other gifts, as she's requested

ReachForTheMars · 02/07/2023 18:25

Totaly · 02/07/2023 18:20

She was off loading her feelings and instead of listening and keeping them - you’ve sent them back.

You were being an emotional support and now that’s been taken away.

OP isn't her grief counsellor, shania her friend and she tried to act like a friend and do something to commemorate the friend. Her gift said "I see you, I hear your pain".

I get that friend didnt want the gift and it's fine she has communicated no more gifts.

Loads of people send flowers and it was an extension of that.

Just carry on as you were, this doesnt need to be a deal breaker for either of you.

Whataretheodds · 02/07/2023 18:25

I'd find this difficult because if I didn't want to have it on display it would feel difficult to dispose of.

I think anyone would recognise the intent behind the gift.

Don't overthink it. Respect her wishes, no reason the friendship can't continue.

radiatorpipe · 02/07/2023 18:26

You are a gifter, aren't you...

Wow, who knew this was another thing to be criticised for?!

NuffSaidSam · 02/07/2023 18:26

Grief is a very difficult and complex emotional state to be in and it impacts everyone differently. What you did could have brought great comfort to one person grieving but been awfully triggering to another. It's just a very hard thing to navigate.

I think your friend dealt with it really well tbh. She's thanked you for your obviously kind intent, but asked you to desist with further gifts as it obviously didn't work for her.

I think you just message back and say 'Of course, let me know if you need anything, always here for you'. Or similar. Maybe down the line she can tell you exactly what the problem was, but it's not the time for that now.

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:26

@Daffidale Do you think that means no gifts ever at all again? Like birthday and Xmas that we normally do??

OP posts:
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