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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I do something wrong?

331 replies

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:15

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

OP posts:
Qbish · 02/07/2023 18:26

She is deep in grief. Please don't make this about you.

Qbish · 02/07/2023 18:27

“I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this?

No interpretation needed. Just read her words, and mark them.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 02/07/2023 18:27

I think her reaction is odd but then grief does strange things to you and I haven't always liked the person I've been when bereaved.

I think perhaps you overstepped and if she had no warning about the gift opening it would have been a shock, it might even have felt an intrusion into her grief. These things aren't always rational (but that doesn't make the invalid).

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:28

I should add my husband announced he’s leaving me yesterday. She knows this & her last message was about that. I know she’s grieving but actually so am I.

OP posts:
redskytwonight · 02/07/2023 18:28

radiatorpipe · 02/07/2023 18:26

You are a gifter, aren't you...

Wow, who knew this was another thing to be criticised for?!

Gifts are only a good thing if they are appreciated by the recipient.

Giving someone something they don't want is not something to be celebrated.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 02/07/2023 18:28

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:26

@Daffidale Do you think that means no gifts ever at all again? Like birthday and Xmas that we normally do??

Dont ask, not yet,it's too raw.

GoodChat · 02/07/2023 18:29

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:28

I should add my husband announced he’s leaving me yesterday. She knows this & her last message was about that. I know she’s grieving but actually so am I.

I don't think this is relevant and I don't think the two things are comparable OP.

NillyNoMates · 02/07/2023 18:30

I think you did a lovely thing.

Cakesandbabes · 02/07/2023 18:30

radiatorpipe · 02/07/2023 18:26

You are a gifter, aren't you...

Wow, who knew this was another thing to be criticised for?!

Some people over gift massively, can make people quite uncomfortable with it, and need boundaries set in. So yes, being a gifter is not exactly always a positive.

The mesaage sounded like boundaries setting simply.

NeedleFeltedFox · 02/07/2023 18:32

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:28

I should add my husband announced he’s leaving me yesterday. She knows this & her last message was about that. I know she’s grieving but actually so am I.

Uhhhh

horrific death of a close friend trumps divorce, sad as it is for you.

you don’t get to make this about you - your gift was odd and caught her by surprise

missmollygreen · 02/07/2023 18:32

Totaly · 02/07/2023 18:20

She was off loading her feelings and instead of listening and keeping them - you’ve sent them back.

You were being an emotional support and now that’s been taken away.

That is the oddest way you could take what the OP did

justanothermanicmonday1 · 02/07/2023 18:33

Balloonhearts · 02/07/2023 18:22

Doesn't want the reminder just yet, I'd think. Probably still too raw. She acknowledged the kind intent behind it but just can't cope with it yet. I'd not take it personally.

I agree with this OP.

She will know there was no ill intent behind it.

Lovely thought.

poorbird · 02/07/2023 18:34

It was a lovely and kind thing to do. I think grief can really affect us in strange ways. I think if I was your friend and you had done that I would feel a little bit taken aback and (I can’t find the word right now, but imagine you were naked under a duvet and someone yanked the cover off you with no warning) exposed isn’t quite the right word. I think sometimes when we’re in grief we want to be able to talk about it and show it but not have it spoken about or shown to us by others as we’ve not braced ourself for it. If feels like we want to owe it sort of and can get quite protective and territorial, I think she might have felt a bit violated …. I known that’s such a strong word (grief is a crazy thing) but I lost my mum not too long ago and I felt like that when people done certain things. I personally would have said thank you so much and dealt with my feelings myself because it was a genuinely lovely thing that you done. We just can’t predict how grief will affect us and those around us. She’s lucky to have a friend like you who was brave enough to care and take the chance, most of my friends disappeared as is often the case as they don’t know what to say . You did a kind thing and you’re a great friend. She knows that.

veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 18:35

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:23

She texted me the photo & poem - I printed and framed them

See I'd find that too much OP. I'd be weirded out.

ChittyBangabang · 02/07/2023 18:35

Too soon.

Leave her be with her grief.

Offer walks or something distracting not a reminder.

Don't start guessing what to do at Christmas! That's months away.

DeadbeatYoda · 02/07/2023 18:35

Cakesandbabes · 02/07/2023 18:21

You are a gifter, aren't you...

You just continue friendship as you were an don't send gifts

Ffs, nothing is safe from snide categorisation these days. Please OP, don't be put off kind intention by your friend or posters on here. It's fine that your friend doesn't want gifts, she's grieving, let her do it her way.
You've done nothing wrong.

veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 18:36

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:28

I should add my husband announced he’s leaving me yesterday. She knows this & her last message was about that. I know she’s grieving but actually so am I.

Irrelevant

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:37

I never wanted to hurt or offend her - feel like such a shit friend now who got it so wrong in a moment that she needed me to get it right

OP posts:
BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 02/07/2023 18:37

You didn't do anything wrong, you were being thoughtful.

Coming from your friend's POV though... I lost my best friend just over three years ago. His death absolutely poleaxed me and I couldn't bear to look at photos of him - it took about 18 months until I could look at a photo of him without curling into a howling ball of grief.

Again OP, you've done nothing wrong. It was a sweet gesture, just not at the right time. Please don't beat yourself up about it xx

Cakesandbabes · 02/07/2023 18:37

DeadbeatYoda · 02/07/2023 18:35

Ffs, nothing is safe from snide categorisation these days. Please OP, don't be put off kind intention by your friend or posters on here. It's fine that your friend doesn't want gifts, she's grieving, let her do it her way.
You've done nothing wrong.

Show quote history

Well I wasn't wrong was I 🤷
Friend set a simple boundary and op had to go to mn for advice on it.
It was fairly obvious why the boundary was set.

missmollygreen · 02/07/2023 18:37

I suspect it was just too soon and seeing the pictures and poem brought back the pain

Theloosegoose · 02/07/2023 18:38

I imagine shes not thinking straight. I'm sure that's what it is. She is grieving- not only did her best friend die you said it was horrific. She's probably feeling and thinking all sorts of things so don't take it personally. Maybe send a message like "Noted. If I can do anything or you want to talk I'm here"....

Papernotplastic · 02/07/2023 18:38

I know you meant well but she texted you pictures of her dead friend to share her memories and you printed one out, framed it and sent it back??? That’s just so bizarre. She already had the pictures. If she wanted them framed she’d have done it herself!

Something like a card or a small gift to say you’re thinking of her is a normal gift. Your ‘gift’ was inappropriate.

redskytwonight · 02/07/2023 18:39

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:37

I never wanted to hurt or offend her - feel like such a shit friend now who got it so wrong in a moment that she needed me to get it right

You didn't. Your friend's response makes it clear that she realises you were trying to do a nice thing.
And that she appreciates your friendship (or she might not have been so polite).

Grief is hard and people don't always get things right. just let her know that you are still there for her.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 02/07/2023 18:39

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:37

I never wanted to hurt or offend her - feel like such a shit friend now who got it so wrong in a moment that she needed me to get it right

Don't beat yourself up.

How were you meant to know? You weren't. You're not a mind reader. You are being thoughtful and kind and she just grieving.