Did I do something wrong?

[Snowdrop89]

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

And please don’t try and compare your ‘grieving’ your DH moving out to her grief at her friend’s death.

OP You tried to do a nice thing and misjudged it. We have all done that in one way or another at one time or another.

I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. To the poster who said death of a friend trumps husband leaving I think that's incredibly insensitive. There is no grief top trumps. Don't overthink it. Take care.

Maybe it made her realise the poem is a bit shit😏

It was a nice gesture, particularly when you are having a hard time yourself, but for whatever reason one she didn't really appreciate; she's said thank you, but let you know it was something she wasn't ready for.
You're probably both quite sensitive right now - make time for her when she needs it if you have the emotional headspace.

TBH, I think printing out her message and photo is very odd, and sending them back to her in a frame. I wouldn’t know what to do with that. I’d feel a bit blindsided. I can see you meant well, but it is nothing I’d want to receive.

I think what you did was lovely.

I guess that's the thing isn't it, we're human, we all respond differently to situations (just read Mumsnet to see that!).

YANBU to send the gift. But I guess she's entitled to ask you not to send anymore. I agree with others, don't think anymore of it.

Don't mind people saying your behaviour was bizarre OP, and don't worry about future gifts! As a PP said, just let her know you understand and that you're there to support and listen. Perhaps it was a shock to see her friend's face when she opened the package. Your intention was kind. I'm sorry about your husband leaving you. That's devastating too. Look after yourself x.

You’re a brilliant friend, trying to be there for someone who is grieving is an absolute minefield! That’s why so many people disappear because they don’t know what to do or are scared they’ll get it wrong. You didn’t do that. Please don’t let this stop you from being who you are, grieving people need more friends who stay and try even if they don’t get it quiet right. Someone else could have loved your gesture.

I think what you did was really lovely. I think her response was very rude whether she is grieving or not.

Your situations are completely different, so that’s irrelevant.

you haven’t done anything wrong but she’s made it clear how she feels. That poem was potentially a way to relieve some grief and now she has to stare it every day, it may have been words she wanted to get out and not necessarily be reminded of.

You did a lovely and thoughtful thing. As others have said it was probably just too soon.

Grief is hard and complicated. There are some days where it helps to talk about the person, and days where you can't bear to even think about them. Perhaps she unfortunately received the gift during a time that she couldn't bear to think about it?

She appreciates the gesture, so don't feel too bad. It's hard to get things right when someone is grieving because literally nothing will actually help.

It was very nice and kind thing to do

why she has reacted in such a way we don’t know maybe it was meant as you didn’t need to but thank you or for some reason this has annoyed her which is her issue not yours

she is grieving so I think you can this time overlook the response but this was a very kind and thoughtful gesture please don’t question this

I think she was very measured in her response. She opened a package to find someone had printed out a photo of her dead friend and sent it to her. WTAF would’ve been an understandable response.

Sometimes with grief there is no right thing. That’s why so many people avoid saying anything at all which is also wrong because they’re then assumed to be ignoring the loss. And then again some people just want to be left alone and there’s no way of knowing what the right thing is a lot of the time. And what is lovely and thoughtful to one person is outrageous and crass to another. You did something with the best intentions and it wasn’t what your friend wanted. You haven’t done anything bad

I would send her a brief message saying the intention was to do something nice for you. I am sorry if I upset you unintentionally. Then leave it.

I think it was a peculiar thing for you to do, but I wouldn’t think anything else of it - unless you have a habit of sending gifts. Your friend has been very clear and polite to you back. Just take it on face value.

I don't think you did anything wrong but perhaps the poem was deeply personal and not something she would want displayed as a reminder along with a picture somewhere in her house? She's grieving, as others have said, everyone deals with grief in their own way. Perhaps some space and check in with her in a couple of days?

They're could be any number of reasons for her reaction.

Perhaps it's the sort of thing her best friend would have done and it hurts.

Perhaps it feels like something personal she did for her friend has been taken away from her.

Maybe the poem was an outlet for her grief and she doesn't want to be reminded of it on the side all the time.

Or maybe she was a bit overcome by the gesture and it's all a bit much at the moment.

I'd just send her a text back saying something along the lines of I'm sorry if I upset you, won't happen again, here if you need me. And then don't mention it again unless she does.

The sheer number of people who think this was a weird thing to do has confused me. I clearly got it very very wrong. I only wanted to do something nice… will be v v careful doing anything for grieving friends going forward, it feels too risky. I just care & wanted to show it. Got it wrong.

You didn’t do anything wrong. However, there are two types of listeners. 1. To understand. 2. To respond. You were number 2. You responded. However, sometimes, it’s better to just to understand.

I don't think you did anything wrong especially, but the grief of others is a minefield. Even they won't know how they'll react until it happens. What one person would embrace gratefully is another person's idea of horror.

Your friend has made her boundaries known. No need for any hard feelings.

I listen to understand and to respond. When I’m really struggling I sometimes wish a friend would make a practical action to prove the meaning behind their words… I got it wrong. Angry with myself.

well that would definitely be making it all about the OP wouldn’t it

i think you should say sorry for overstepping, it was thoughtless of you and you can see that now, if there’s anything you can do for her you’re there. She will come to you when she’s ready - and don’t compare your DH leaving to what she’s got going on to her.

I don’t care if a pp thinks I’m out of order for saying it - as tough as it is to hear it, she’s got it much harder than you right now.

You did a nice thing, from her message your friend understands you did a nice thing.

However for whatever reason its not a nice thing that was appreciated. Maybe she doesn't want an item that reminds her of her friends death, maybe she feels like you're getting involved in something that's personal to her. It doesn't really matter.

She's let you know that she appreciates the intent while not appreciating the result. She's grieving right now, as are you for your own reasons. Neither of you are probably in the best headspace to acknowledge and help each other through their feelings, so I'd back off for a bit and get back in touch when you're both on a bit more of a even keel.

but ask you not to send me any further gifts.

you did nothing wrong, it was a lovely and thoughtful gesture, she's just being rude. Grieving is not an excuse to be unpleasant.

Do not send her any other gift, you can even message her back that you are really sorry if you upset her, and then leave it at that.

I would stay away from her frankly. It's very hard, but she can't complain if people stop trying to support her and wait until she gets off her high horses.

I don't think you have done anything wrong you were doing something thoughtful and it's hard to know how people are feeling when they are grieving, but she's been honest with you so now you must respect the way she feels at this morning time.