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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I do something wrong?

331 replies

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:15

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

OP posts:
IamnotHWhittier · 02/07/2023 19:21

What you did was really lovely OP
Dont become an insensitive person based on your friends really weird reaction.
Dont change.
Id wait for your friend to contact you. If she needs time, give it to her.

Butchyrestingface · 02/07/2023 19:21

I suppose from her POV she may feel that she sent you a gift and you returned it to sender.

Her message shows she knows your intent was kind. So I'd leave it there. Smile It sounds like you've got other things going on in your life that require your attention so I'd draw a line under this and focus on yourself at the moment. You've obviously had a terrible shock with your husband's announcement.

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 19:22

@Ofcourseshecan Not really. As has been demonstrated on posts here people don’t get it I don’t think unless they’ve been through it. Losing my husband & my life with him & my 3 girls is devastating.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2023 19:22

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:57

I listen to understand and to respond. When I’m really struggling I sometimes wish a friend would make a practical action to prove the meaning behind their words… I got it wrong. Angry with myself.

What was the context of her sending you the photos and poem?

Just text her back something like "I'm so sorry if I've upset you Jenny, last thing I ever intended. Here if you need a chat at any point, Emma x"

Simple, without pushing it or tying yourself in knots.

doorstopper123 · 02/07/2023 19:23

You meant well but who wants their deepest darkest grief fuelled thoughts printed and framed?

🙈

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 19:23

@SleepingStandingUp I replied “I’m so sorry if I’ve hurt and/or offended you. I would never have wanted to do that” I hope that does it… but I will be quiet now.

OP posts:
ShouldIbeLeftWithLess · 02/07/2023 19:24

I think what you did was nice and from my circle a very common thing to do (frame something).

Whataretheodds · 02/07/2023 19:24

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:57

I listen to understand and to respond. When I’m really struggling I sometimes wish a friend would make a practical action to prove the meaning behind their words… I got it wrong. Angry with myself.

Please don't be.

She's hurting. You're hurting. It's not a competition, both of you are feeling sensitive. Don't read too much into it.

Do you have other friends that you can talk to about your own situation? Something nice you can do for yourself just now to soothe? A swim, a bath, a silly undemaning film or TV programme?
Sending a handhold.

truthhurts23 · 02/07/2023 19:24

I would say sorry and move on from it , continue being her friend, you know that your heart was in the right place and hopefully she knows too

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 02/07/2023 19:24

I think it was kind, but misguided.

It sounds like you've projected a specific need of your own (your wish for friends to 'prove' themselves to you, as you mentioned, rather than just supporting you verbally) onto someone who doesn't share it.

I would have found it strange as well but if I were in your friend's situation, i.e. recently bereaved, I'd probably want you to just give me space and then later on we could move past it. I would not want to have a conversation about it.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/07/2023 19:25

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 19:23

@SleepingStandingUp I replied “I’m so sorry if I’ve hurt and/or offended you. I would never have wanted to do that” I hope that does it… but I will be quiet now.

I think that's fine. You intended to do something kind, it wasn't like you sent her something actually offensive, it just wasn't something she wanted. You've apologised, which is all you can do. I'd just give her some space and then go back to your normal level of contact given what you've both got going on. Hope you're doing I'm with your girls x

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 19:26

@Butchyrestingface Yep, wasn’t really ready to lose my husband & a close friend in one weekend

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 02/07/2023 19:26

Ok. Op. We’ve all accidentally done something that we thought was kind and helpful but in hindsight may not have been. You thought you were honoring her poem by printing and framing it and sending it back to her. No. She texted you the photo of her and her friend and a poem she wrote because she trusted you probably above anyone else to show you her innermost feelings and grief and love she had for her best friend. This poem was for you to read and keep, and to acknowledge to her back in a timely manner the lovely things she’d written, to say a few words about the poem and how meaningful it is. Not to print it out and give it right back to her. She did not send you the poem for you to send it right back to her, frame or not. It’s like she gave you a gift of revealing her inner self to you at a fragile time, and you handed it back to her all gussied up by a frame and silence. It was like a slap in the face. It’s like receiving a gift then rewrapping it and handing it back without saying anything. She wanted you to keep it, she knows what it looks like, she has her own copies. I do understand what you did though because I’ve done things like that too, then realized. What you did confused and hurt her.

Just explain and apologize and make up for it. I did something similar, someone I knew older than me was retiring and was going to go travel for a while. She was also on medications. I wasn’t looking for it at all but came across a beautiful little pill box, gold with a lovely top on it. I thought, this will be perfect as she is going traveling and will need something to keep her medications in. Well, she had a strange reaction when she opened this gift and I realized that the pill box was a weird present especially if I had on purpose looked for it, which I hadn’t but still. Turns out though unbeknownst to me that she was an awful person and so I don’t feel too bad about it now.

Just apologize and explain your thinking and it should be something you can move past.

qwedtask · 02/07/2023 19:27

I don't think you did anything wrong, you tried to do something nice and even if she found it weird her reaction is over the top. Sorry about your marriage OP

Shitshowatthefuckfactory · 02/07/2023 19:28

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 19:26

@Butchyrestingface Yep, wasn’t really ready to lose my husband & a close friend in one weekend

You haven't lost a close friend. Why would you suggest that?

She's simply says not to send her gifts anymore.

I'd be very uncomfortable if I received that as a gift, but I'd appreciate that you meant it kindly.

someonethatyoulovetoomuch · 02/07/2023 19:29

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:54

The sheer number of people who think this was a weird thing to do has confused me. I clearly got it very very wrong. I only wanted to do something nice… will be v v careful doing anything for grieving friends going forward, it feels too risky. I just care & wanted to show it. Got it wrong.

The intention was kind but clearly not what your friend needed. In future, send flowers and a card rather than something so personal. I am also a gifter, it’s how I show I’m thinking of someone, so I do understand what you were trying to do. I’m really sorry about your DH, don’t listen to people downplaying it because it is a form of grief. It doesn’t mean that your friend had to accept your gift though, and I think she was very polite about it.

FluffyFlannery · 02/07/2023 19:29

GalileoHumpkins · 02/07/2023 19:16

I can't put my finger on why but I'd find that really odd. I wouldn't have liked that 'gift' either.

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But would you have been ride to the person who gave it to you? I think that’s really the crux of it.

Womencanlift · 02/07/2023 19:29

There was a kind intent there but I think you majorly overstepped

She sent you those photos and poem as a way of communicating her grief but you have taken them and turned it into something that wasn’t her original intention. I can see why she was annoyed

But leave her to grieve and then reach out as I don’t think this would be a friendship ending incident

FatGirlSwim · 02/07/2023 19:30

You’ve had some very harsh responses here op at what is a difficult time in your own life.

My best friend died a few years ago in a tragic way. I’d have loved what you did for your friend.

I think anyone who sees it as off the mark and negative is strange (not your friend, others here).

I’ve done similar with photos for a friend whose dh died, although I did put pics in an envelope and tell her what was inside in case she wasn’t ready to look. She did want to look and was pleased to have them. Also sent some pics of uni days to bff’s mum after she died, which was appreciated too.

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong or weird, and that is a hurtful thing for people here to say when you were trying to support your friend in the best way you knew how.

She’s grieving, and people deal with that differently. It doesn’t mean you’ve been a shit friend.

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 19:30

@Whataretheodds Not really, she’s the friend I’d talk to, but obviously I haven’t really cos I know she can’t cope with any more heartache at the moment. I just simply let her know he was leaving because I felt she’d want to know & it would be odd not to tell someone I share so much with something so fundamental

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 02/07/2023 19:30

Op, it’s almost like you had contempt for her attempting to write a formal heartfelt poem and so you printed it out and gussied it up with a frame to show her that you know she is proud of her little poem and you’re having a little mock and laugh about it, and that’s why her reaction. You didn’t want her little poem but gave it back to her so she’d have her grand poem to display on her mantel right in the middle.

This is NOT what I think, I’m just saying what may have flashed through her mind when you handed her back her poem in a frame. She was probably unsure on showing it to anyone and may have felt you were mocking her.

notanotherclairebear · 02/07/2023 19:31

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:37

I never wanted to hurt or offend her - feel like such a shit friend now who got it so wrong in a moment that she needed me to get it right

You're not a shit friend OP. It was a really thoughtful gesture. I think her message actually shows that she values your friendship and trusts you enough to be able to say that to you - for once someone isn't tiptoeing around their own feelings and saying what they need from their friends.

saraclara · 02/07/2023 19:32

Ownbag · 02/07/2023 18:50

Sometimes with grief there is no right thing. That’s why so many people avoid saying anything at all which is also wrong because they’re then assumed to be ignoring the loss. And then again some people just want to be left alone and there’s no way of knowing what the right thing is a lot of the time. And what is lovely and thoughtful to one person is outrageous and crass to another. You did something with the best intentions and it wasn’t what your friend wanted. You haven’t done anything bad

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That. At times of deep stress it's easy for these disconnects to be more difficult to deal with.

Just reply with "I'm so sorry to have caused you further distress. I will of course respect your request. Thinking of you x"

itsgettingweird · 02/07/2023 19:33

Only on MN can someone doing something they thought was a nice gesture be accused of

Overstepping
Making it about them
Removing their emotional crutch
Giving their feelings back

OP you did what you thought was a nice gesture. I wouldn't read anything into the text as she's grieving. Sometimes we do things with good intent that someone else receives in a way we didn't expect.

We have to just let these things go - or the alternative is never to reach out for fear of getting it wrong which is not necessarily the better option.

Zarataralara · 02/07/2023 19:33

You did nothing wrong. Grief is weird, it affects every part of you and can send you a bit loopy for a while.
A friend made a similar type of gift for me a week after DH died ( like your friend’s friend it was an accident so totally unexpected) I think I thanked her but burned it after she left. Sounds horrible but it was just all wrong.

Not your fault at all, unless you’ve been in that awful place you’ve no idea of the emotions, the bit of madness that takes over., you can’t be expected to know. Maybe just say sorry, no offence was meant, you’re here if she needs you anytime. Just check occasionally she’s ok, the time after the funeral is particularly awful.
Don’t beat yourself up, you’re a good friend.