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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I do something wrong?

331 replies

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:15

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

OP posts:
anothergrievingsister · 02/07/2023 19:01

I lost my DB in a horrible accident last year.

I would have absolutely loved this gift. A book of photos and memories written by his friends and printed privately has become my most cherished possession (hope DH isn’t reading this!)

I suppose the contrasting situations simply show that we are all different. But I think @Snowdrop89 ’s friend could have been a bit warmer, and I write that as someone who is still in the throes of at least an equal loss.

GP75 · 02/07/2023 19:01

Don't overthink it, I'm sure your friend won't. When someone is grief stricken it's hard to know the right mark to hit. When my mum died a very good friend sent me a book about angels which really was the last fucking thing I needed to receive being honest, bloody nonsense. However it's something that gave her comfort and she was trying to share that. I understand and smiled and said thank you but inside was thinking FFS! What gives you comfort may not for her but she knows you meant well so just carry on as normal xx

Thegoodbadandugly · 02/07/2023 19:02

Sorry last sentence should have been at this moment in time.

KingOfThieves · 02/07/2023 19:02

you didn’t do anything wrong OP. Grief is just is really dark place and sometimes there is no right thing to do. Just let her know you are there and check in now and then.

Kiwiandstrawberries · 02/07/2023 19:02

I think it was a really thoughtful gift and hopefully your friend will think so as well in time to come . Don’t feel bad or guilty because you 100% meant well .

Daffidale · 02/07/2023 19:02

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:26

@Daffidale Do you think that means no gifts ever at all again? Like birthday and Xmas that we normally do??

Oh gosh I don’t know!! If you normally exchange gifts then it might be fine. If it was me I’d not say anything about it right now (because, grief - and you’re going through stuff too neither of you are in a good place). Then nearer the time (birthday, Xmas whichever is first) ask if she’s happy to exchange gifts or would prefer to just do cards. You could make it quite breezy if it’s several months down the line, eg “just checking if we’re still doing gifts”

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 02/07/2023 19:05

NeedleFeltedFox · 02/07/2023 18:58

well that would definitely be making it all about the OP wouldn’t it

i think you should say sorry for overstepping, it was thoughtless of you and you can see that now, if there’s anything you can do for her you’re there. She will come to you when she’s ready - and don’t compare your DH leaving to what she’s got going on to her.

I don’t care if a pp thinks I’m out of order for saying it - as tough as it is to hear it, she’s got it much harder than you right now.

Show quote history

it's not about making it all about the OP, it's people trying their best to support HER!

Anyone grieving knows that the most common reaction is people stepping back and even disappearing because they find it awkward and they don't know what to say or do.

she’s got it much harder than you right now.
she does. So are the relatives of the victims. It's no excuse from being mean to other friends.

AllyArty · 02/07/2023 19:06

I guess you have to cut her some slack as she is in the throws of grief. I would acknowledge her note and say you meant well and hope it didn't cause any offence and you will wait to hear from her when she feels ready. With a bit of luck she will contact you when she realises you meant no harm.

GP75 · 02/07/2023 19:06

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:28

I should add my husband announced he’s leaving me yesterday. She knows this & her last message was about that. I know she’s grieving but actually so am I.

Actually, I know she misses her friend but learning this changes my opinion a bit and I think that's quite a bitchy message to send tbh 🤷‍♀️ I'm so sorry OP 💐

Shitshowatthefuckfactory · 02/07/2023 19:07

Qbish · 02/07/2023 18:26

She is deep in grief. Please don't make this about you.

I agree.

Lockupyourbiscuits · 02/07/2023 19:07

I think you sound an absolutely lovely person
we all get things wrong sometimes- we are all different

you tried to do a lovely gesture and that was really kind - most people can’t even be bothered to put a pen to paper !

you are also struggling so do not feel bad about this for one second - I’m sure your friend didn’t mean to upset you and people can react differently when grieving- I’m sure she values your friendship so don’t be put off - remember texts can come across very blunt sometimes without nuance or meaning

we could all use a friend like you

Sierra26 · 02/07/2023 19:07

Your intent was genuine and thoughtful, so don’t feel bad. It shows you’re good enough friends that she was able to be direct with you.

Her reaction could be due to a couple of reasons.

  1. as others have said, she doesn’t want the reminders on display

  2. you’ve turned something of HERS (she wrote the poem, it was her photo) in to something about you, and involved yourself in the memory by gifting it back to her. She now feels like she has to be grateful to you for presenting her with something that was already hers. You will also now be wrapped up in that memory for her. Maybe she was planning on making something herself with it. It wasn’t yours to gift to her. I’ve had a similar thing happen to me - not a tragic situation but sentimental - a family member gifted something to me without my permission that I already had plans for (and was nothing to do with them), and I was really upset that the ‘thing’ was no longer only ‘mine’ and I had to pretend to be grateful to them.

1037370E · 02/07/2023 19:07

I would just leave it now. She found your gift upsetting, and was probably worried that you might send something else similar, and is asking you not to (that's my interpretation anyway. Don't overthink it, it doesn't need to affect your friendship long term.

SeatonCarew · 02/07/2023 19:08

Don't worry, we all do odd things when we're grieving. Even me.

Just carry on as normal.x

pinguins · 02/07/2023 19:09

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 02/07/2023 19:01

but ask you not to send me any further gifts.

you did nothing wrong, it was a lovely and thoughtful gesture, she's just being rude. Grieving is not an excuse to be unpleasant.

Do not send her any other gift, you can even message her back that you are really sorry if you upset her, and then leave it at that.

I would stay away from her frankly. It's very hard, but she can't complain if people stop trying to support her and wait until she gets off her high horses.

This advice is just plain nasty, ignore it OP. Your friend will probably be open to gifts again in a few months when she's feeling a bit better.

When I lost my DF (3rd death of a very close relative in 3 months) someone came to my door at 7am, it was a flower delivery. I just wanted to sleep. I thanked the sender and said I really appreciated the thought but I didn't want the flowers. At that moment in time it felt like another thing to try to keep alive when everything around me was dying. I just couldn't cope with the responsibility of a bunch of flowers and I wasn't myself or talking to people the way I normally was. Grief takes your brain to strange places. Don't overthink the situation OP, she'll come right when she's had time to process it all.

IreneGoodnight · 02/07/2023 19:10

Don't beat yourself up OP. It was a well intended gesture as your friend has acknowledged. At least you reached out which is more than some people will. Let your friend know you're around for her if needed but you need to prioritise your own life. The breakdown of a relationship can feel like a bereavement and you'll be needing support and understanding yourself. Take care.

GP75 · 02/07/2023 19:11

Papernotplastic · 02/07/2023 18:40

And please don’t try and compare your ‘grieving’ your DH moving out to her grief at her friend’s death.

Honestly, that's what you have to say. Give your head a wobble 🤦‍♂️ a marriage breakdown is comparable to a bereavement, but it's not a bloody competition anyway. Vile post, in very poor taste.

FluffyFlannery · 02/07/2023 19:15

The gift is not something I’d appreciate but I would never dream of saying what she did. I’d just accept the gift and think you were being kindhearted but not feel obligated to display or even keep the gift. I find her response quite bizarre.

willWillSmithsmith · 02/07/2023 19:15

Don’t beat yourself up about it. Things like this are a minefield as you never know how someone will react, even to a simple how are you. You sound like a good friend but don’t dwell on it, just let her grieve in her own way. Give her some space and don’t obsess over it. Sorry about your split.

Papernotplastic · 02/07/2023 19:16

’I should add my husband announced he’s leaving me yesterday. She knows this & her last message was about that. I know she’s grieving but actually so am I.’

I was hoping to prevent the OP saying this to her friend. It’s just not comparable. It’s insulting to suggest that it is.

GalileoHumpkins · 02/07/2023 19:16

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:23

She texted me the photo & poem - I printed and framed them

I can't put my finger on why but I'd find that really odd. I wouldn't have liked that 'gift' either.

HAF1119 · 02/07/2023 19:17

I think what you did was lovely, but it does depend on the receiver as to how they would take it, so better to offer emotional support without the physical things in future probably (though I know many people gift flowers etc, you were trying to do something that would be more meaningful).

Everyone grieves in different ways and that is okay. Personally I would probably message back and say 'I'm so sorry if I got it wrong with my gift and hope it did not cause you upset, I am here for you emotionally so please do feel free to talk to me, I absolutely respect your request for nothing further to be given'

Ofcourseshecan · 02/07/2023 19:18

You gave her a beautiful and thoughtful gift, which she wasn’t able to appreciate. Don’t blame yourself, OP.

I hope friends are supporting you after your husband left. xx

Evaka · 02/07/2023 19:19

OP, you're ignoring a huge number of people saying it was a kind gesture and grief is a mysterious thing. Sounds like you're spiralling a bit. You've a lot going on - this will be in the rear view mirror soon and I'm sure your friendship will continue just fine. I'd get off mumsnet and out for some fresh air, or switch off and watch something comforting.

TiaraBoo · 02/07/2023 19:21

I’d say ok and then leave it and yes I wouldn’t give birthday/Xmas gifts following that message, not in a bitchy way but just following her instruction.