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Original poster

Did I do something wrong?

331 replies

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:15

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

OP posts:
Agix · 03/07/2023 22:45

Grief is such a weird thing OP. You tried to do a nice thing and it didn't hit the mark - you weren't to know it wouldn't.

I'm still hurting over the passing of my cat. It's only a cat, but she meant so much to me. Sometimes I can talk about her, and I do, then the person I am with will carry on talking about her and I'll have to ask them to stop talking about her. Literally one moment to the next, my ability to cope changes. Thankfully, the people around me understand that my weirdness is just because it hurts and I cannot cope with this particular hurt very well.

I can absolutely imagine me being the type to write a poem about the subject of my grief, and then getting upset when someone reflects it back at me - even if it is such a lovely thought and gift.

You never know - When she is out of this, maybe she will feel differently about your gift. She may not, but, I don't think you did anything wrong.

Windblownwife · 03/07/2023 23:42

Qbish · 02/07/2023 18:26

She is deep in grief. Please don't make this about you.

This, entirely

Windblownwife · 03/07/2023 23:45

If it was a horrific accident, it’s likely that it will take a very, very long time to even begin to accept the loss, let alone begin to properly grieve. It’s just too soon. Your thoughts were kind, and she’ll appreciate that, given time. For now, just be there for her, to listen and accept her in all her stages of grief . You don’t need to do anything else

BackAgainstWall · 03/07/2023 23:48

You were being very kind and thoughtful.

Your friend is extremely rude.

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 04/07/2023 03:44

@BinkyBeaufort pretty broken tbh. Thanks for asking xxx

OP posts:
Cariadm · 04/07/2023 04:12

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:23

She texted me the photo & poem - I printed and framed them

I know it's easier on the outside looking in but frankly, it does come across to me as being just a tad thoughtless in the respect of you not stopping to consider that maybe, having something as 'in your face' as a framed photo etc was possibly not something she might not want or be able to cope with yet? 🙄I know when my Mum died it was ages before I could bear to even look at photos of her, it was just too painful and even now, 10 years on if she pops up on an old video it's like an arrow in my heart! 😥You just have to accept that she was upset by your gift even if you find it hard to understand...If you haven't already done so a little note to say you're sorry etc etc will mean a lot to her and as others have said you will just have to wait and see what the future brings for your friendship...She may be feeling bad about her own reaction to your gift but only time will tell? 🤔

user1492757084 · 04/07/2023 06:01

A card or visit will do until you judge when it is appropriate for a birthday gift.

Just listen to her.
She thanked you (knew you meant no harm) but requested no more gifts. (For her reasons she found the gift challenging -you may never know why but listen and send no more gifts except friendship.)

drunkpeacock · 04/07/2023 07:08

I really can't see that you've done anything wrong. It was a nice thought.
Your friend didn't like the gift, fine she's probably wrestling with all sorts of problems just now but don't beat yourself up with what you did "wrong" because it sounds like you were kind and well-intentioned.

drunkpeacock · 04/07/2023 07:11

Also, sorry about your husband. It sounds like things are tough and yet you still tried to reach out to her which shows the sort of person you are. Take care of yourself Flowers

saraclara · 04/07/2023 07:12

Fundamentally, OP, a bereavement isn't really a gifting opportunity. I think that's where you went wrong. It wouldn't occur to me to give a gift to a bereaved person. I would have been totally bewildered of someone had given me a gift when my husband died.

I appreciated flowers, and people who cooked for me so that I ate. But an actual gift (particularly a very sentimental one) would have confused me. Gifts are celebratory things to me.

melj1213 · 04/07/2023 09:16

BackAgainstWall · 03/07/2023 23:48

You were being very kind and thoughtful.

Your friend is extremely rude.

The friend is not rude.

She is grieving a significant loss and sent a perfectly polite message saying she appreciated the thought but please don't send any more gifts.

How else was she supposed to word it? Or was she just supposed to keep accepting gifts from the OP so as not to hurt the OPs feelings even if they were causing her suffering to receive?

Under the circumstances the friend was very polite.

Original poster
Snowdrop89 · 04/07/2023 10:08

@melj1213 I agree she wasn’t rude. She’s in deep suffering. I just wanted to understand if what I did was totally off - but there are mixed opinions here. So my conclusion is I judged it wrong for this particular friend this time, so which I’m deeply sorry & she knows. Thinking back right at the beginning I did say to her that navigating supporting grieving friends can be tricky & if I’m getting it wrong at any point she must tell me - which she did. So actually I’m grateful she did. I wouldn’t want to be causing her additional suffering that she didn’t feel she could flag to me. X

OP posts:
JudgeAnderson · 04/07/2023 10:27

OP I hope you have support for what you are going through. Try not think about your friend or give this any more headspace. As much as she's in no position to support you through your loss, you should probably similarly conserve your own emotional resources for what you are going through and take a step back from her - if you're fragile, the last thing you need to be dealing with is people are are hair-trigger from their own grief. You're entitled to put yourself first.

Madamum18 · 04/07/2023 13:09

The sheer number of people who think this was a weird thing to do has confused me. I clearly got it very very wrong. I only wanted to do something nice… will be v v careful doing anything for grieving friends going forward, it feels too risky. I just care & wanted to show it. Got it wrong

I dont think you got it wrong atall; it was just wrong for her for whatever reason. It was a kind and thoughtful thing to do and I am glad she has acknowledged that you would never deliberately upset her Flowers.

Rhondaa · 04/07/2023 14:26

'The friend is not rude. She is grieving a significant loss and sent a perfectly polite message saying she appreciated the thought but please don't send any more gifts.'

She was rude. Understandable if the op had bombarded her with gifts and flowers but one very thoughtful and kind gift does not necessitate a 'don't send anymore' message.

Let's hope the op's snippy friend hasn't 'got it wrong' and received an unnecessary message from the actual family of the person who died asking her not to be kind for whatever she may have done to offer some comfort.

Dryinginthesea · 04/07/2023 14:34

It was a lovely thought. Sometimes people feel the need to lash out when grieving, it sounds like she has used this opening from you to use you as a punch bag. If your gift had simply missed the mark then she would’ve just put it in a cupboard or a bin.

sometimes it is fine to be there for people to vent, but it sounds like you are going through the most awful time of it as well. I would back off from her you don’t have the emotional energy to put this right just now. Concentrate on you. I am sure you haven’t lost your best friend- as she processes her grief she will realise that she has been a dick.

for now look after yourself. I hope things feel better soon

GoodChat · 04/07/2023 14:36

Rhondaa · 04/07/2023 14:26

'The friend is not rude. She is grieving a significant loss and sent a perfectly polite message saying she appreciated the thought but please don't send any more gifts.'

She was rude. Understandable if the op had bombarded her with gifts and flowers but one very thoughtful and kind gift does not necessitate a 'don't send anymore' message.

Let's hope the op's snippy friend hasn't 'got it wrong' and received an unnecessary message from the actual family of the person who died asking her not to be kind for whatever she may have done to offer some comfort.

Have you read the latest update? OP said Thinking back right at the beginning I did say to her that navigating supporting grieving friends can be tricky & if I’m getting it wrong at any point she must tell me - which she did. So actually I’m grateful she did. I wouldn’t want to be causing her additional suffering that she didn’t feel she could flag to me. X

It sounds like OP was considerate from the start and the friend was comfortable in telling her she'd overstepped.

It just sounds like a misjudgement at an emotive time.

Rhondaa · 04/07/2023 14:52

GoodChat · 04/07/2023 14:36

Have you read the latest update? OP said Thinking back right at the beginning I did say to her that navigating supporting grieving friends can be tricky & if I’m getting it wrong at any point she must tell me - which she did. So actually I’m grateful she did. I wouldn’t want to be causing her additional suffering that she didn’t feel she could flag to me. X

It sounds like OP was considerate from the start and the friend was comfortable in telling her she'd overstepped.

It just sounds like a misjudgement at an emotive time.

Show quote history

Sounds like the op's friends was being overly dramatic to me. Overstepping the mark imo would be several daily texts with emotive gifs and cheesy inspiration quotes, or weekly food packages with sentimental messages.

It was one thing.

Cakesandbabes · 04/07/2023 15:02

Oh wow how dare someone let someone else know they don't like something after it happens first time.
You don't need to go to extreme to be able to set some simple boundary and ask someone not to do something. Nothing dramatic about that. In friendships and partnerships this should be fine. No one was rude in this scenario

ididntwanttodoit · 04/07/2023 15:07

Your friend is grieving. Grieving people often behave in unconventional ways. Your intention was very loving, but she has interpreted it differently. You're just going to have to let it be on this one. I'd wait until the next birthday or Xmas and ask her if you're still doing presents (or even better, wait until she gives you a gift before giving her one)

Rhondaa · 04/07/2023 15:12

Cakesandbabes · 04/07/2023 15:02

Oh wow how dare someone let someone else know they don't like something after it happens first time.
You don't need to go to extreme to be able to set some simple boundary and ask someone not to do something. Nothing dramatic about that. In friendships and partnerships this should be fine. No one was rude in this scenario

It was not a simple boundary, it was hurtful. What did the friend think, that she'd be getting poems every day or something?! Sometimes folk make a death all about them.

Cakesandbabes · 04/07/2023 15:15

Presemts are supposed to be about recipient. If recipient doesn't want presents in future, they have absolute right to say. She was not rude, it can be hurtful really only when the gift is more about giftor than giftee...

Verv · 04/07/2023 15:18

Don't overthink it OP. You did what you believed to be a kindness.

Grief is a monster that makes you utterly irrational.

Personally, I'd take it at face value, don't send anything else, and continue to offer support, but don't beat yourself up.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/07/2023 15:23

I'm so sorry your husband has left. It must be an incredible shock to all of you. It seems to me that you are very kind and thoughtful and you could do with a friend being similar with you. It sounds as though you should be treated really gently at the moment. That makes her behaviour even worse.

I hope you do have someone to confide in about your husband 💐

TheSingingBean · 04/07/2023 15:25

saraclara · 04/07/2023 07:12

Fundamentally, OP, a bereavement isn't really a gifting opportunity. I think that's where you went wrong. It wouldn't occur to me to give a gift to a bereaved person. I would have been totally bewildered of someone had given me a gift when my husband died.

I appreciated flowers, and people who cooked for me so that I ate. But an actual gift (particularly a very sentimental one) would have confused me. Gifts are celebratory things to me.

I disagree actually. When my best friend died someone bought me Charlie Mackesy’s book - it was absolutely perfect and I was very touched.

I don’t dispute that the OPs friend didn’t appreciate the gesture but so much depends on individual preferences.

I still feel it would have been kinder for the recipient not to respond as she did. She was in deep distress clearly but I think it was unnecessary. In her position I’d have rolled my eyes, put it in a drawer and just said ‘thank you.’