Did I do something wrong?

331 replies

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:15

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

OP posts:

thecatsthecats · 04/07/2023 15:36

saraclara · 04/07/2023 07:12

Fundamentally, OP, a bereavement isn't really a gifting opportunity. I think that's where you went wrong. It wouldn't occur to me to give a gift to a bereaved person. I would have been totally bewildered of someone had given me a gift when my husband died.

I appreciated flowers, and people who cooked for me so that I ate. But an actual gift (particularly a very sentimental one) would have confused me. Gifts are celebratory things to me.

Yep, especially so suddenly and so soon afterwards, and so very personally.

I shared a bag of particular sweets with my friend at her mum's funeral because she always gave them to us. We agreed to do this after the service. I turned some of the decorations from the bridal bouquet I caught into Christmas decs for the couple.

I have even chosen to print some commemorative momentos myself. But it would be hard to receive that out of the blue, from someone else.

You didn't do something BAD, but you did do something WRONG - your friend was just gently making a boundary.

Spinninsweetness · 08/07/2023 21:49

You did absolutely nothing wrong. If you'd done that for me after a friend dying I'd have been very touched tjaf you'd done something so thoughtful. Some people are just odd but maybe she's lashing out in grief, who knows! I think she owes you an apology!

καλοκαλoκαιρι · 08/07/2023 22:00

poorbird · 02/07/2023 18:34

It was a lovely and kind thing to do. I think grief can really affect us in strange ways. I think if I was your friend and you had done that I would feel a little bit taken aback and (I can’t find the word right now, but imagine you were naked under a duvet and someone yanked the cover off you with no warning) exposed isn’t quite the right word. I think sometimes when we’re in grief we want to be able to talk about it and show it but not have it spoken about or shown to us by others as we’ve not braced ourself for it. If feels like we want to owe it sort of and can get quite protective and territorial, I think she might have felt a bit violated …. I known that’s such a strong word (grief is a crazy thing) but I lost my mum not too long ago and I felt like that when people done certain things. I personally would have said thank you so much and dealt with my feelings myself because it was a genuinely lovely thing that you done. We just can’t predict how grief will affect us and those around us. She’s lucky to have a friend like you who was brave enough to care and take the chance, most of my friends disappeared as is often the case as they don’t know what to say . You did a kind thing and you’re a great friend. She knows that.

This is a really considered and wise reply. I’m really sorry about your mum @poorbird x

Curiousbe · 15/07/2023 15:00

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Curiousbe · 15/07/2023 15:02

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TheCatterall · 15/07/2023 15:29

@Snowdrop89 massive squishes on all fronts.

if was a kind gesture and you and your friend are both in very emotional lot challenging places.

know that she is still your friend and take hope in that.

As for your husband. It’s crap. It’s going to be crappy for a bit longer but I hope you and your daughters emerge stronger for it.

Flip

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