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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did I do something wrong?

331 replies

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:15

A friend recently lost her best friend in a horrific accident. She sent me some photos of her with her friend and also a poem she had written for her. I decided to put one of the photos & the poem in a frame & sent to her as a keepsake. She reacted in a way I didn’t expect & I’m now questioning if I did something wrong… she said “I have got home to receive your gift. I want to thank you for the kind intent but ask you not to send me any further gifts.” How would you interpret this? I’m at a loss 😞 Was only trying to do something nice… have I caused offence?

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 02/07/2023 19:34

Op grief is so personal... i had so many insensitive but well meaning messages when my mam died suddenly.., and people messaging all the time when I just wanted time to breathe and grieve... I suspect this took your friend by surprise,

She will be sad about your situation re your husband im sure but also won't register that yet as she will be in shock.

Just keep checking in on her,

Be kind to yourself,

saraclara · 02/07/2023 19:34

Ah, just saw that you've already replied. Your reply was fine

WonderBetty · 02/07/2023 19:34

Please don't beat yourself up OP, it sounds like you've got enough going on. When my mum was killed, Victim Support sent me a memory box. They undoubtedly meant well but receiving it made me inexplicably furious; grief is an unpredictable thing. Don't take it personally, take care.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 02/07/2023 19:35

The whole situation is kind of weird. Why did she send you a picture and a poem of her late friend. Yes, grief does weird things to people, but OP that should have been the first clue that your friend is in a strange place.

I do think you compounded it by gifting the same back to your friend. I understand the intent, but yeah that’s a little odd. Her response was a bit over the top, though.

Now it seems that you are in a place of upheaval and are resentful of your friend not reacting. (I’m sorry for this, btw)

I think you both kind of need to step back from each other’s situation and focus on yourselves for awhile.

NoRegretsss · 02/07/2023 19:36

I think you what you did was very sweet. She is grieving, so will be angry and is probably directing that at you. Don't take it personally.

Please take care of yourself though. You're going through a huge loss yourself. X

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 19:37

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply, whatever your viewpoint - all valid. X

OP posts:
veryfluffyfluff · 02/07/2023 19:38

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 19:23

@SleepingStandingUp I replied “I’m so sorry if I’ve hurt and/or offended you. I would never have wanted to do that” I hope that does it… but I will be quiet now.

Yes I'm sure that's fine. Just leave it now. You both need space.

Footgoose · 02/07/2023 19:39

Unless English is not your friends first language and her meaning has been lost in translation I think her reply was way to blunt. We all receive gifts in our lives that are not appreciated . The usual response it just an unqualified thank you.
Even if she didn’t like the gift , it couldn’t be mistaken for something that wasn’t well meant .

NerrSnerr · 02/07/2023 19:41

Qbish · 02/07/2023 18:26

She is deep in grief. Please don't make this about you.

I agree with this. I would apologise for getting this gift wrong and move on.

WomanUnknown · 02/07/2023 19:43

Snowdrop89 · 02/07/2023 18:23

She texted me the photo & poem - I printed and framed them

To be honest I’d find that an overstepping of boundaries

My mil does things that are a bit similar…. Suddenly I’ll find a framed photo of the kids in her house, that she took from my WhatsApp chat/one I’ve uploaded to my Facebook or whatever….. and she’s decided to print and frame it for herself. I can’t put my finger on it, but I find it a bit off.

For whatever reason, in this scenario your friend didn’t appreciate the gesture. I’d just apologise for the misunderstanding if it were me

PurpleFlower1983 · 02/07/2023 19:44

It’s just too soon OP, don’t take it personally.

Lovetotravel123 · 02/07/2023 19:44

It’s a really nice thought and you didn’t do anything wrong. I think maybe she is struggling with the grief. Maybe just give it a bit of time and take your lead from her with the friendship and presents.

happyfoot · 02/07/2023 19:45

OP- you did nothing wrong. Ive seen lots of posts on here about grief and the one thing that always stands out is that its very personal. Eg, Ive seen people say "they could have sent flowers or a card" whilst others say "I hated flowers/cards, its just more to have to display/get rid of when the flowers die", or, "I wish people would contact me to show they care" followed by "I didnt want any visitors or calls, I wish people would just leave me alone and give me space to grieve" etc

This shows that what might be a lovely gesture to one person, is insensitive to another in the midst of grief. You arent a mind reader and really, until you've gone through grief you really dont know what you'd find comforting in the moment. You friend did say she appreciated the intent so I would just leave it now and be guided by her regarding next steps etc. You could even ask her "how can I best support you?" etc.

Please dont beat yourself up, you arent a shit friend as you clearly care very much to be posting on here for advice/opinions.

MummyJ36 · 02/07/2023 19:45

You’ve apologised so please don’t beat yourself up. I find her reaction rather strange and overly blunt. I’ve suffered lots of grief in my life and would have never responded in this way, even if for some reason I’d felt it was too much. If it was my friend sending me something I’d know the intention behind it was good even if I felt it brought up too many emotions.

I would back off for a bit. Not forever. But for a bit. You are going through something big now too and your friend has kind of shown she isn’t the person to be supportive of you at this moment in time.

You didn’t get it wrong OP. What you did was incredibly kind.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 02/07/2023 19:45

OP this is a tricky one - as others have said, it is in essence a thoughtful gesture, but grief does do a number on a person.

When my DP died I was flooded with cards and gifts and kind gestures and while I sort of appreciated the good intent behind them, I was also overwhelmed by every reminder boomeranging back my already tumultuous emotions. I was also incapable of thanking people individually, and 18 months on still haven't. I resorted to social media posts and doing blanket "thank yous" which no doubt pissed a few people off. It's difficult to feel grateful in such circumstances.

As you are so close, down the line, perhaps you can talk together about it, but if that doesn't happen just keep being there for them. It's almost impossible to consistently get it right for the bereaved, because it's a life shattering experience that no-one can fix. Just being there through the sadness is sometimes the only thing you can do.

Any loss is hard - and you too are suffering a loss. I wish you well.

Dark humour warning - when I ventured out to places DP and I went together and kept getting attention I joked I was going to get a T Shirt printed saying "Whatever you're about to say, I know you mean well, but don't" . All I wanted was a hug and a stiff drink until I brought the subject up.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 02/07/2023 19:46

MysteryBelle · 02/07/2023 19:30

Op, it’s almost like you had contempt for her attempting to write a formal heartfelt poem and so you printed it out and gussied it up with a frame to show her that you know she is proud of her little poem and you’re having a little mock and laugh about it, and that’s why her reaction. You didn’t want her little poem but gave it back to her so she’d have her grand poem to display on her mantel right in the middle.

This is NOT what I think, I’m just saying what may have flashed through her mind when you handed her back her poem in a frame. She was probably unsure on showing it to anyone and may have felt you were mocking her.

This is a big reach. It doesn't seem remotely likely to me that the OP's close friend would interpret her gesture as mockery.

Mockery would be actively cruel. There is no sign at all that the friend thinks the OP was being actively cruel.

It seems a lot more plausible that she knows OP meant well, but was weirded out by the gift. And she's been a bit blunt because she's mired in grief.

MysteryBelle · 02/07/2023 19:47

You need to step in her shoes for a moment. You may have had good intentions, but you effectively silently handed her back a gift she gave you, a gift of her innermost feelings.

Look at it this way. She is grieving and wrote a poem. She feels a need to share her feelings with someone but is hesitant to show a poem she wrote, afraid it would be considered trite or dumb or badly written or self aggrandizing. She thought, I can show it to X. She’ll understand. So she texts you the poem and a picture of her friend and herself. Probably hoping you will read it with a gentle spirit and text her back in a few minutes with what you thought about it ‘oh Jane, what lovely words you wrote for Mary, your love for her is evident, she was like a sister to you’ obviously do better than that, I’m just giving an example.

Instead, you received her text, printed out the poem and framed it and the photo and sent it right back without saying anything much…for what purpose, for her to place on her own mantel? It is more likely something she was thinking of sending to her deceased friend’s parents or siblings but didn’t know if the poem was good enough or would be considered ‘twee’.

Anyway, you sent it back as if, why is she sending me this, it is only really meaningful to her, is she saying look at this great poem I’ve written, so I’ll frame it and give it back and she can display it in her house since she’s so proud of it.

As I said before, this is not what I think, but she might be self conscious already and you doing that makes her feel she was pretentious in sharing it with you so you had a little laugh in framing her fancy writing and saying here you go. Put it on your table in the foyer, dear, so it’s the first thing people will see.

It’s just weird what you did. I know you don’t realize that, but it is weird.

TheSingingBean · 02/07/2023 19:49

So sorry about your husband leaving OP.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong and I think some responses here are a bit harsh. If you had done that for me (and I have been in exactly the situation your friend is in) I would have been touched by your kindness and received the gift in the spirit it was given.

FWIW I don’t think you are in any way making this ‘about you’ and I think your husband walking out is a devastating loss, just as a bereavement is. I wish you well x

montysma1 · 02/07/2023 19:49

Grieving doesn't give people the right to be obnoxious and she was.
She could have said thank you and left it at that .

diddl · 02/07/2023 19:49

From her message she knows that it wasn't done with bad intentions.

I just can't fathom why anyone would do what you did though.

Mind you I don't like what I consider mawkish stuff.

Mariposista · 02/07/2023 19:50

I say this as a recently bereaved person - she totally overreacted. If she didn't like your gift she could have got rid of it subtly and kept her trap shut. There is NO WAY she doesn't know that your intentions were good and her comment would now make you uncomfortable.
No going back for me. Immature reaction.

JacquelinePot · 02/07/2023 19:51

NeedleFeltedFox · 02/07/2023 18:58

well that would definitely be making it all about the OP wouldn’t it

i think you should say sorry for overstepping, it was thoughtless of you and you can see that now, if there’s anything you can do for her you’re there. She will come to you when she’s ready - and don’t compare your DH leaving to what she’s got going on to her.

I don’t care if a pp thinks I’m out of order for saying it - as tough as it is to hear it, she’s got it much harder than you right now.

Op wasn't thoughtless, she was thoughtful, even if it wasn't welcome.

kafkascastle · 02/07/2023 19:51

I think what you did was a very kind and thoughtful gesture. Not everyone deals with bereavement and grief in the same way but I would have liked what you did. I hope she comes to value your gift in time to come. She's probably feeling very raw at the moment.

JMSA · 02/07/2023 19:52

That was a beautiful idea, OP Star
I'm sorry to hear of your friend's odd reaction, but can only assume it's grief related.

Hadtocomment · 02/07/2023 19:52

This is a very delicate one. I think if I had sent something quite personal, quite private and quite raw to a friend I'd find it very odd and maybe a bit intrusive and not really appropriate if they printed it out and framed it and sent it back. Something private is not the same as something for public consumption. And framing something as a keepsake seems very strange to me when it is something grief-stricken and upset. If I wrote an upset poem about losing my parent or something and someone then framed it up and sent it back with a photo, I might find that quite intrusive. It very much depends on the situation and the friendship but it's not really your feelings to frame, if you see what I mean. She was sharing something with you, not turning it into a display object.

All that being said (and I realise the above sounds a bit tough maybe?) you sound a really nice and caring person, OP. You maybe didn't quite think it through. She sent you a message which I think is straightforward but also acknowledges your kindness. I suspect she is not cross but she might have found it quite upsetting to unwrap, you can't know. She sounds like she realised you are trying to make a kind gesture but in my view it perhaps wasn't your gesture to make.

I would just say sorry if I got it wrong, I didn't mean to upset further and leave it be and not beat yourself up about it. I doubt it means not to do christmases or birthdays. Things will probably get easier in time when she feels a bit less raw.

I'm really sorry for your troubles too. It can't have helped to feel funny about this on top of your difficulties happening at the same time. You did your best and weren't to know. I think your friendship will be ok.