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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn't like my kids

170 replies

Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:40

Newish relationship

He doesn't like my kids and blames ex and me being too soft

When it's us we get on so well and it's bliss.

When my kids are around he changes, can't put my finger on it.

Both my kids are very additional needs so it's a big ask but they always come first to me.

He threw a complete meltdown tonight as we video calling and my 7 year old came down at 11 due to having bad dreams . I comforted her but he was really off saying it shouldn't be happening but how the fuck do I control dreams?

A near perfect man but he dislikes my kids and it's totally obvious

Relationship is over isn't it?

I'm 44 so that's kind of me done I'd say.

Hello lonely future as I'm not exactly a great catch

Please just say something comforting 😞

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 02/07/2023 00:42

Yeah, he's not the one for you. You will find someone, but not this one.

WillowtreeHouse · 02/07/2023 00:42

Get rid.

themidimit · 02/07/2023 00:43

You have done everything right. Upset child and you comforted her. He's an arse. You have nothing to feel bad about. In time, you'll see him for what he is

NuffSaidSam · 02/07/2023 00:44

Yes the relationship is over. Well done for recognising that.

The idea that a man who is angry because a child had a bad dream is 'near perfect' is ridiculous though. You should work on this. You deserve so much more.

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 00:45

Depends on who answers you.

According to this thread, the partner comes first and the kids need to learn their place and that they are not the priority and they should not be comforted in ways that the new partner doesn't approve of.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/dsd-affectionate-with-dp

Others will tell you that your kids should be prioritized before new partners and that comforting your kids and having a partner who likes them is important.

It just depends which set of posters get to your thread first!

TimeToMoveIt · 02/07/2023 00:46

He's not the right one, that doesn't mean the right one isn't out there!

watcherintherye · 02/07/2023 00:46

A near perfect man

No, he really isn’t. Don’t settle for someone who will tear your family apart. You can do so much better, op.

olympicsrock · 02/07/2023 00:47

He’s not very nice is he… throw him back

allmyliesaretrue · 02/07/2023 00:48

Throw him back x

Original poster
Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:48

I did the wrong thing, we've been together a while and I've shared too much about how they speak to me and treat me. Both severe ADHD, autism and one with a genetic condition

But in not discussing it, that wouldn't be right either

😢

OP posts:
TooBigForMyBoots · 02/07/2023 00:48

He's not near perfect. He's needy and petulant.

Enko · 02/07/2023 00:49

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 00:45

Depends on who answers you.

According to this thread, the partner comes first and the kids need to learn their place and that they are not the priority and they should not be comforted in ways that the new partner doesn't approve of.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/dsd-affectionate-with-dp

Others will tell you that your kids should be prioritized before new partners and that comforting your kids and having a partner who likes them is important.

It just depends which set of posters get to your thread first!

There is a huge difference between a child needing comfort after a bad dream and a child wanting to be seen as above the adult around like the thread you are linking.

However my advice yo both women would be. Get rid this man is not for you.

Op because the guy doesn't understand children has needs. Other poster because her partner doesn't realise its ok to sometimes put others first -like when an adult wants to sit in the front of the car..

Original poster
Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:50

I find myself arranging to meet him when they aren't there or are with their dad.

He says they aren't like that with him but I think it's because they are a bit scared of him as he's v v firm.

Worrying as he says I'm a walk over but I just pick battles.
we are long distance if that is relevant

OP posts:
Original poster
Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:52

Not motherly defending kids but they are very sensory and I could have a full scale row about everything or hug them and allow them to calm and then we discuss the issue but that's weak in his mind

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 02/07/2023 00:53

Just be glad he's shown his true colours this early on.

Dump, move on, take a little breather from dating, then try again (if you want to).

How your DC speak to you and what you do about it is up to you. If this man didn't approve then he should have moved on himself rather than try to interfere.

smilesup · 02/07/2023 00:54

He sounds awful. Goodbye. Not much too lose. Lesson learnt for next relationship. Do what my friend has done in a very similar situation. New man been together two and a half years. He has never met her childrenm.she sees him when she can. Waiting until they are much older to introduce and when she knows it's permeant. They keep it very loved up and the she gets to bring her kids up how she knows is best.

SausageinaBun · 02/07/2023 00:54

Some people don't understand additional needs at all and think it is all down to "soft" parenting and nothing is going to change their mind, because their neighbour's cousin's child had additional needs and "they were taught to behave". If he's one of those then you might as well ditch him. He isn't ever going to understand and will never even be a sympathetic listener, never mind being ok with the kids around.

Iknowthis1 · 02/07/2023 00:56

It's over.

There is nowhere good that this relationship can go from here.

justtype · 02/07/2023 00:57

Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:52

Not motherly defending kids but they are very sensory and I could have a full scale row about everything or hug them and allow them to calm and then we discuss the issue but that's weak in his mind

Your approach sounds lovely and he sounds draconian.

He is not the one for you.

Prioritize your kids.

EconomyClassRockstar · 02/07/2023 00:58

It's none of his business how you parent at this point. B'bye!

Trying2understand · 02/07/2023 00:58

@Amberamethyst this is a situation where you absolutely put your child before any relationship that isn't their parent. They aren't in their 20's, they are very young children who didn't ask for this. He sounds very off and your dc deserve better.

caringcarer · 02/07/2023 00:59

OP there is someone out there that will take you and 2 kids with additional needs. I've got 2 DS's with ADHD, one has tourettes too so absolutely no filter as what comes out of his mouth. I told DH it was love me love my kids and be kind towards them as we come as a package deal. I know one or the other of my kids have upset him over the years but he never criticised them and he made a proper effort to build a relationship with them. They are adults now and DH has a lovely relationship with them. Your partner is never going to accept your kids so he's not the one for you. He's not good enough and nowhere near perfect.

lunar1 · 02/07/2023 01:01

Tell him to fuck off, your kids are none of his business and they deserve better. Me is nowhere near a perfect man.

jellyminelli · 02/07/2023 01:01

"A near perfect man but he dislikes my kids and it's totally obvious"

Near perfect? He sounds a right prick

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/07/2023 01:05

He sounds horrible. Who could be so unfeeling towards children?

He’s not near perfect. At best perhaps he’s good company when he’s getting his own way.

You just picked a wrong un OP. It doesn’t meant there’s no one out there for you.