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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn't like my kids

170 replies

Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:40

Newish relationship

He doesn't like my kids and blames ex and me being too soft

When it's us we get on so well and it's bliss.

When my kids are around he changes, can't put my finger on it.

Both my kids are very additional needs so it's a big ask but they always come first to me.

He threw a complete meltdown tonight as we video calling and my 7 year old came down at 11 due to having bad dreams . I comforted her but he was really off saying it shouldn't be happening but how the fuck do I control dreams?

A near perfect man but he dislikes my kids and it's totally obvious

Relationship is over isn't it?

I'm 44 so that's kind of me done I'd say.

Hello lonely future as I'm not exactly a great catch

Please just say something comforting 😞

OP posts:
Nussbaum · 02/07/2023 07:59

You have two options here op.
Option A.
Stick with him and then in twelve months or so time, start a thread about how you've just had a baby with a useless immature shit who doesn't lift a finger to help and he's always yelling at the kids or worse.
Option B.
Take the advice offered on the thread and dump his abusive arse, and he is abusive, no matter how you dress it up.
You don't need a man in your life. You need to concentrate on your existing kids. Raise your bar for your kids sakes if not your own.
Nothing to say you can't date, but there is no reason to move a man in.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/07/2023 08:00

He’s not near-perfect. He’s an ignorant fuck who doesn’t know anything about children, let alone those with additional needs.

Don’t bring a man into their lives that scares the shit out of them because you’re worried about being lonely at 44.

But you know that. Get him gone.

N0tfinished · 02/07/2023 08:04

SD1978 · 02/07/2023 01:37

He's not 'near perfect' he is able to put on a facade until he's actually met with something he doesn't like.......which is your kids. He'd already be gone if that was me.

This! He's not perfect, he's love-bombing you. The real him is the one he shows your kids.

ladymuckofthemanor · 02/07/2023 08:15

My mum got into a relationship with a man who hated me (I was 3!). He moved in, they had their owns kids together, and honestly my relationship with her has been absolutely shit to the point where we don't speak for months on end. I resent her for it massively.

Bin him immediately. It's not like there's a choice between him and your kids. This won't work.

ClairDeLaLune · 02/07/2023 08:16

He’s nowhere near perfect, sorry OP. He sounds nasty and selfish. You sound like a great mum, putting your kids first. Sadly he’s got to go. They’re not all like that though, there are better men out there. You don’t need to be with one though so don’t just settle.

theWarOnPeace · 02/07/2023 08:23

I think you need to accept that he was nowhere near perfect, to be able to move on from him. Any man who sulks and has meltdowns, whilst criticising children on their behaviour, is a toxic idiot. My children all have additional needs and I’m a lone parent, I promise you that I know it’s not easy. You just really can’t get into unhealthy relationships to not be alone.

Do other things, embrace friendships, start a new hobby, learn something. It’s hard to find the time, but honestly if you’re able to waste time going back and forth with an immature man, you can get a coffee with a friend or join a club. You and your kids deserve better than being treated with contempt. It was never perfect, if you think about it.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 02/07/2023 08:27

Sounds like if he moved in you would trapped into a situation where he would be walking around trying to change your parenting, imposing his 'right' to live in a house where he has priority over you, and trying to wear you down through arguments and angry moods.
It seems like he is unable to take the fact that your children have special needs into account, he doesn't seem to have any comprehension of what it would mean and he would just waltz in with big simplistic ideas and try and impose them all on you and your children.

rainbowstardrops · 02/07/2023 08:49

Blimey, it's a new long distance relationship and he's already behaving like this? Nah!

JFDIYOLO · 02/07/2023 08:52

He is not near perfect.

You are only 44. Literally young enough to be my daughter. My mum met her partner in her 70s.

Getting involved with a woman with young children especially those with SENs takes a very special kind of man.

This is not the one.

He would be a dreadful father, not understanding that the children's needs would always come first, special needs or not.

He's love bombing you on every level - except about the children. He can't even control himself when he's video calling. Imagine what he'd be like if he'd moved in and in the middle of the night they come into your bedroom.

And if you did have a baby with him, they would become number one and any time and care you spend with your children would be resented and criticised.

My honest advice? Let your relationship be the one you are creating and nurturing with your children.

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 02/07/2023 08:56

OP he has a choice here.He doesnt have to stay with you if he cannot cope with your children.He gets to walk.You as a parent do not have that choice,You signed up for being your kids protector for life,all parents do. Nothing good can come of this situation.He will never feel anything for your children,he will grow to resent you and its all heartache coming thick and fast down the line and the heartache will be yours and your childrens not his. Please for you,for your kids, walk away now. You will so regret trying to make this work, it never will.

NashvilleQueen · 02/07/2023 08:57

Big red flag from me. He's trying to damage your relationship with your children by undermining you. He wants to be in control.

IdealisticCynic · 02/07/2023 08:58

Your standards and self esteem are rock bottom if you consider a man who has a tantrum over you comforting your child “a near perfect” man. “Near perfect” suggests perfect with a small flaw. This is a huge one - and a red flag over controlling behaviour too.

Obviously your children have to come first and he would be a horrible step father. But in any event it’s absolutely not all over for your love life just because you get rid of this horrible man. You should work on your self esteem and then find a man worthy of you AND worthy of your kids. Don’t settle for someone who behaves like this - because it would be settling. It’s not just unacceptable for your kids, it’s unacceptable for you.

Good luck OP. I hope you break up with him today. It’ll be hard to start with, but in time you’ll feel better and realise you can do better.

NameChange245 · 02/07/2023 09:01

Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:48

I did the wrong thing, we've been together a while and I've shared too much about how they speak to me and treat me. Both severe ADHD, autism and one with a genetic condition

But in not discussing it, that wouldn't be right either

😢

When it's the right person OP, you can discuss anything. I talk to DH all the time about our children, their good sides and the less desirable :) If one of them pottered into the lounge at midnight, we'd still both be concerned for them and would take turns to sit with them till they fall back asleep. Children are always the priority, relationship is second.

You deserve a partner that will help you comfort your child, that will discuss ways to support their needs, that will wash sheets in the night when there's been an accident, and that loves you even more because of the great mum you are and how well you treat your children.

This is not the man for you (unless you can discuss this and he is prepared to do a huge 180)

HauntedPencil · 02/07/2023 13:10

He's horrible get rid. You can and will meet someone nicer but not when your wasting time on this pipe

Theomummy2 · 02/07/2023 13:12

He isn’t your one, but at least you’ve finally realised it.

But I don’t agree with PP around calling him names, not many people would like children described by the OP, I sure wouldn’t.

OutDamnedSpot · 02/07/2023 13:22

Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:48

I did the wrong thing, we've been together a while and I've shared too much about how they speak to me and treat me. Both severe ADHD, autism and one with a genetic condition

But in not discussing it, that wouldn't be right either

😢

In contrast, I’ve shared similar things with my partner and his response is “how can I help?”

No, he doesn’t like how DS (also with ADHD, ASC and PDA) speaks to me and no, he doesn’t particularly enjoy having his evenings interrupted, but he understands that this is a factor of being part of our family, recognises that he is the adult, and that the kids’ needs come first. He’s worked hard to build a relationship with both children so that if one is having a meltdown he can care for the other, or if I need a break, he can take them both out.

You’re right that this isn’t the relationship for you, but it doesn’t mean the right relationship isn’t out there.

FreyafromLondon · 02/07/2023 13:42

OP are you going to come back to this post and tell us all that you've ended this relationship? Or shall we just assume you're not going to listen to the advice of all us women and are going to let this man continue to disrespect your parenting and dislike your children?

GG1986 · 02/07/2023 14:46

Yes absolutely say bye to him! If he doesn't like your kids or how you parent then you won't be able to move in together or have them around him and that isn't right or fair. You are 44, you are still young, find someone who will love you and your kids.

SauronsArsehole · 02/07/2023 14:56

Beezknees · 02/07/2023 06:29

Oh wow.

If this is true then I think you could benefit from some therapy. Thinking about having kids with someone you've know for 3 months is utterly ridiculous. You are behaving selfishly and not putting your kids best interests first.

Show quote history

And it’s a recognised fact that step parents who show contempt for the kids early often become abusive* in one way or another when they have their own children in the mix!

*physical, emotional, generalised neglect like not caring about achievements, birthdays etc , pitting his kids against step kids, purposeful isolation eg taking his kids out leaving step kids behind, providing more for his own children and making it known the absent father should be doing more eg buying his kids a chocolate bar and telling step kids they need a job or to ask their own dad but also getting pissy that step kids are bought nice things by their dad and demanding their kids share and/or get it/their own too.

sodthesodoff · 02/07/2023 14:58

I knew a bloke once. Basically totally insecure man child and was literally jealous of my kids. Referred to them as 'another man's children'

Yeah he didn't last long

krustykittens · 02/07/2023 15:27

There is someone out there for you, OP, who will love you and your children, additional needs and all. But as long as you are with this man, you won't be able to meet him. He's not a nice guy, at all.

Itsdecisiontimeisitnot · 04/07/2023 16:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ManateeFair · 04/07/2023 17:01

Hello lonely future as I'm not exactly a great catch

The fact that you think of yourself like this is part of your problem. Your self-esteem is low so you've settled for a man who is a bullying arsehole. You say your kids are 'a bit scared of him' and that he calls you 'weak' for hugging your kids and had a go at you because your child sought some comfort from you after a nightmare. He is not 'near perfect' man at all. He isn't kind or nice. He's an absolute wanker.

The thing is, I suspect that this man knows you feel that you aren't a great catch, which is why he's trying to bully you over the kids. He wants you to put him above your children, which is a totally unacceptable demand.

You could do better than this man. You will not have a 'lonely future' and 44 is not over the hill! I know loads of people with kids and/or complicated lives who found long-term partners and/or remarried when they were older than that.

You are great. He is a twat. Get rid of him.

Jongleterre · 04/07/2023 17:22

You'll be taking on another child, a man child.

What kind of a man is he that takes umbrage at a child having a bad dream and wanting to be comforted by their mummy?

He's jealous of the children, resents them and has no tolerance or empathy.

I'd bin him immediately.

Northernparent68 · 04/07/2023 17:22

Can you continue to see him but keep him away from your kids