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AIBU?

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Original poster

He doesn't like my kids

170 replies

Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:40

Newish relationship

He doesn't like my kids and blames ex and me being too soft

When it's us we get on so well and it's bliss.

When my kids are around he changes, can't put my finger on it.

Both my kids are very additional needs so it's a big ask but they always come first to me.

He threw a complete meltdown tonight as we video calling and my 7 year old came down at 11 due to having bad dreams . I comforted her but he was really off saying it shouldn't be happening but how the fuck do I control dreams?

A near perfect man but he dislikes my kids and it's totally obvious

Relationship is over isn't it?

I'm 44 so that's kind of me done I'd say.

Hello lonely future as I'm not exactly a great catch

Please just say something comforting 😞

OP posts:
Cocoalover · 05/07/2023 10:24

If any man was complaining about my kids, I'd be swiftly telling him to fuck off. What a CF! Kids come first. It's good that you know its over. Get rid ASAP

Tikkaboo2 · 05/07/2023 12:00

What an archaic, sadistic excuse of a man. Children should be seen and not heard type of man. In his case not seen nor heard.

It sounds like this isn't the first time he has been negative/critical about you, your children or your parenting style either.

What sort of a person responds to a child in need or scared with discipline instead of comfort and warmth.

They will hate him for the way he treats both them and you, aswell as grow to resent you for bring such a man into their lives.

They're safety and well being should be paramount. Not worrying whether or not he will have a 'meltdown' over the smallest of your child's needs.

It doesn't bear thinking about what would happen if you were working while he looked after them and one of them stepped out of like. He is a danger to you and your children.

You know what you need to do. But from the need to post such an obvious question in the first place I feel you were looking for the opposite response and someone to say give it time it will be ok.

I sense that you'll go and spend time together away from your children and all will be forgotten. That is until the next time it happens, which may be in person this time. I pray when it does that you are there to protect and comfort them.

You have the whole of mum's net behind you. Get him out of your lives before it gets any worse.

MaybeNotQuiteOkThen · 05/07/2023 15:04

Why the hell would you even be considering a relationship with a man that dislikes and scares your DC. Let alone someone who not only criticises your DC, but also criticises and disrespect you and their fathers ability to parent their own DC.

Your DC are only young once. They deserve to spend it being loved, comforted and happy. Not afraid to be themselves, scared and needlessly disciplined.

OP please take the advice of the people here that are desperate to help you get away for this toxic man before it is to late.

Personally, he would be so far down the road by now you'd need to get two trains, a bus and a mini cab to catch up with him.

ToWhitToWhoo · 05/07/2023 15:13

I think that's a deal breaker. You deserve and will find someone better.

Apart from not wanting your children to have a nasty stepfather, anyone who can be so mean about children with additional needs is unlikely to be so 'near perfect' if you yourself are ill; unable to cope with something; or need to give attention to a sick or elderly relative or friend.

CurlewKate · 05/07/2023 15:26

He's not anywhere near perfect, sorry! Dump.

startingover202 · 05/07/2023 15:31

I have a friend who has children, 2 with SEN. She has been seeing someone about 6 months.
We were all at a friends bbq and her oldest was playing up.
Someone asked her boyfriend how he dealt with a child like that.
He said i don't, I let her deal with the little prick.
She's still with him and planing on moving him in this year.
Not sure if she knows what he said but surely his dislike of her kids must be obvious.
Get rid op. Put your children first.

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2023 15:35

Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:52

Not motherly defending kids but they are very sensory and I could have a full scale row about everything or hug them and allow them to calm and then we discuss the issue but that's weak in his mind

What future had you envisaged with this man, knowing how he is about your children?

Irridescantshimmmer · 05/07/2023 15:50

Just be careful.

He may just want to be the centre of your attention only, so he begrudged the attention you gave your child who should always come first.

He's jealouse.....don't leave your kids unattended with him and don't trust him.

**

standardduck · 05/07/2023 15:53

I am not sure how you can overcome his dislike of your kids. It won't work.

startingover202 · 05/07/2023 16:05

How old is he op?
Does he have children of his own?

CatsSnore · 05/07/2023 16:12

This won't work OP. Sorry to say.

Even if he's right about your parenting he isn't being very kind to you. I would expect more kindness from someone I loved who was seeing me struggle.

tbh though I know I couldn't take on someone elses dc, especially if they had SEN. I have ADD and I'd not be able to regulate my emotions appropriately and be kind enough. So I won't put myself or a child in that position. It would be an awful resentful mess.

Who have you got in your life to support you? I think you need to build a friendships and support circle up so you don't need a shit man to fulfil your needs. You need to look at getting them met elsewhere.

JFDIYOLO · 05/07/2023 18:01

'He doesn't like my kids

Blames me for being too soft

When my kids are around he changes

He threw a complete meltdown

He dislikes my kids and it's totally obvious

I find myself arranging to meet him when they aren't there

They are a bit scared of him

Hug them and allow them to calm and then we discuss the issue but that's weak in his mind …'

This is not near perfect.

This is a disaster in the making.

Please don't be that mother we read about here who brings a toxic man into the home and ruins their world; anything rather than be single.

Savvysalon · 05/07/2023 21:41

JFDIYOLO · 05/07/2023 18:01

'He doesn't like my kids

Blames me for being too soft

When my kids are around he changes

He threw a complete meltdown

He dislikes my kids and it's totally obvious

I find myself arranging to meet him when they aren't there

They are a bit scared of him

Hug them and allow them to calm and then we discuss the issue but that's weak in his mind …'

This is not near perfect.

This is a disaster in the making.

Please don't be that mother we read about here who brings a toxic man into the home and ruins their world; anything rather than be single.

NAIL ON THE HEAD

Every single line quoted there screams toxic relationship.

A domestically abusive relationship waiting to happen.

All the signs are right there.

Doesn't like your kids.

You're too soft.

Changes around your kids.

Arrange to meet with out children as they're scared of him.

Calls you weak for showing affection towards your children.

Has a meltdown when he doesn't get what he wants.

How long before the 'discipline' goes to far?

For the sake of your children get rid of him before something terrible happens to either of you.

Notb4Coffee · 06/07/2023 10:11

'Newish' 'long distant' relationship suggests they haven't spent much time with him, yet they are already scared of him.

The initial period should be spent getting to know them, learning to understand their wants and needs. Showing kindness and understanding. NOT stamping your authority leaving them feeling frightened, scared and insecure.

On top of that he is undermining you as their mother aswell as their fathers parenting abilities. Comments like 'you're too soft' and 'showing weakness'. Obviously he doesn't have children of his own or have the first idea of how to parent a child.

You are 44 years young and saying absurd things such as 'hello lonely future' and 'I'm not exactly a great catch'. Have you always been this way or is that something else he has done to you too?

Taken away you confidence, self-esteem and self worth to feed his narcissistic ego and superiority complex.

Your children are an extension of who you are. But not to him, they're baggage, excess weight which he has to tolerate in order to get what he wants.

No interest in the responsibly that comes with being a parent. Only interested in the 'fun times' when you are alone and they are no where to be seen.

They are only young once. You only get one chance to do your best. They will remember every traumatic event they go through and begin to resent you for bringing such a horrid man into their lives.

What sort of a future do you see with a man which treats you and your children this way?

He's already stripped you of your confidence and self-esteem. DO NOT let him take away their childhood innocence too.

Nordicrain · 06/07/2023 10:14

Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:52

Not motherly defending kids but they are very sensory and I could have a full scale row about everything or hug them and allow them to calm and then we discuss the issue but that's weak in his mind

You job as a mother it to protect your kids though.

I would bin him ASAP. This relationship has not future that won't negatively impact your children. Prioritise them, not the "bliss" you get from this man.

Colourfulrainbows · 06/07/2023 10:44

@Amberamethyst

Please end this relationship. I am speaking as a parent of an adult with additional needs.

The issue is not your children, them having SEN your parenting or ex parenting.

The issue is the guy wants a relationship with just you. Nobody else. It will cause you and your children so much distress having a man in the life like this.

You blame yourself for talking about your kids - completely normal regardless of SEN and your partner should be a person who you can lean on for support not use that against you.

44 is not old and there are billions of people in the world.

You will be selling yourself short to remain in this, you and your children are worth so so much more. Please remember that.

Take care.

hoven · 06/07/2023 10:49

Contact social services, your children deserve better

Maddy70 · 06/07/2023 11:04

Dump him. Move on

startingover202 · 06/07/2023 14:32

Do not bring this man into your children's lives.
How old are your children?
You have introduced them far too soon.
The only saving grace is you have found out what he is really like early on.
You just need to act on that.
This will cause untold damage to your children and your relationship with them.

Maddisonave · 06/07/2023 22:23

@Amberamethyst I can only echo what every other person on this thread has said.

Please DO NOT bring a man like this into your darling children's lives.

The issue is he only wants you and the fun times. Not your children or the responsibility that comes with parenting.

I would go as far to say he will eventually try to isolate you from friends and family too. Having the same reactions when you wish to spend time with them.

You are their mother and its your job to protect them from draconian men like him. The children should be seen and not heard type.

Be thankful that he's shown his true colours early on and you're able to protect yourself and your children from him before it gets worse.

Please dont ignore the warning signs, advice and steam ahead anyway. Don't be one of those mothers we read about in months to come. Moved him in anyway and now you're trapped. Strutting around your house imposing his authority on you and your children.

Wearing you down with arguments, anger and meltdowns. Imposing his parenting views onto you and your children. Constantly criticising how you parent your children. Forcing you and your children to live by his rules. Becoming a husk of the woman you once were.

This will cause untold damage to your darling children and the relationship you share with them. You need to act on this before it goes too far.

Dont suffer in vain thinking he will change or you will change him because you won't.

Please take your time to read some of the advice given here and choose you next step wisely. We can't all be wrong.

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