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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn't like my kids

170 replies

Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:40

Newish relationship

He doesn't like my kids and blames ex and me being too soft

When it's us we get on so well and it's bliss.

When my kids are around he changes, can't put my finger on it.

Both my kids are very additional needs so it's a big ask but they always come first to me.

He threw a complete meltdown tonight as we video calling and my 7 year old came down at 11 due to having bad dreams . I comforted her but he was really off saying it shouldn't be happening but how the fuck do I control dreams?

A near perfect man but he dislikes my kids and it's totally obvious

Relationship is over isn't it?

I'm 44 so that's kind of me done I'd say.

Hello lonely future as I'm not exactly a great catch

Please just say something comforting 😞

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 02/07/2023 03:29

Agree with everyone on this thread, bin him, he is not near perfect, red flags everywhere.

What you have described about how you respond to your children sounds like good parenting to me. Don’t let him gaslight you into believing that you are a bad parent. LTB.

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/07/2023 03:36

Don’t worry about being lonely and single for the rest of your life. You have no idea what lies ahead or what life has in store for you.

At least if you’re single you’ll be available for meeting someone better. But if you’re focusing your attention on an unhealthy relationship with the wrong man you might just miss the opportunities for a better relationship.

You sound like a lovely person and you deserve someone as lovely as you.

Groutyonehereagain · 02/07/2023 03:39

Freefall212 · 02/07/2023 01:54

Not on the step-parent board. The new woman is always to be #1 or else the man is a shitty human.

Show quote history

Wow, there’s something seriously wrong there.

FreyafromLondon · 02/07/2023 03:52

But his not near perfect tho is he?!? If my partner didn't like my children they would be far far far from perfect in my eyes. Priority's OP!

Newmumatlast · 02/07/2023 04:01

Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:40

Newish relationship

He doesn't like my kids and blames ex and me being too soft

When it's us we get on so well and it's bliss.

When my kids are around he changes, can't put my finger on it.

Both my kids are very additional needs so it's a big ask but they always come first to me.

He threw a complete meltdown tonight as we video calling and my 7 year old came down at 11 due to having bad dreams . I comforted her but he was really off saying it shouldn't be happening but how the fuck do I control dreams?

A near perfect man but he dislikes my kids and it's totally obvious

Relationship is over isn't it?

I'm 44 so that's kind of me done I'd say.

Hello lonely future as I'm not exactly a great catch

Please just say something comforting 😞

Not near perfect by any stretch. And if you continue the relationship I question your own priorities as a mum tbh. Your kids come first and he doesn't like them. No brainer...why have you not already dumped him?

Newmumatlast · 02/07/2023 04:02

ImustLearn2Cook · 02/07/2023 03:29

Agree with everyone on this thread, bin him, he is not near perfect, red flags everywhere.

What you have described about how you respond to your children sounds like good parenting to me. Don’t let him gaslight you into believing that you are a bad parent. LTB.

Yep he's only doing it for his own selfish purposes

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 02/07/2023 04:26

Okay firstly you should be taking this as a MAJOR red flag. A 7 year old needing to be comforted is not something that ‘should not be happening’. 7 year olds regularly need comforting, for all number of things. I’d never be with anyone who thought they could stand in the way of my being a good parent, which is exactly what he is doing.

He sounds awful - cold, controlling, even a bit sadistic. You and your children deserve better. If you remain with him, it will inevitably cause harm to both yourself and your children.

Secondly, you’re 44 so you think that’s you done?! Seriously? My dad met his wife aged 58 and they’re literally the most blissfully happy couple I’ve ever seen. You never get too old to meet someone. If anything 40s and above are a normal time to start again because a lot of people have divorced/escaped awful relationships and are ready to meet someone new. A lot of people at this age will also have kids and be understanding of parenting, unlike your currently psycho partner who seems to think children are a horrible burden.

You can and will meet someone better for you and your family.

PattyDuckface · 02/07/2023 04:31

Please get rid of him.

The universe is giving you the gift of a MASSIVE RED flag, before you go any further.

What kind of human says a child who has had a nightmare "shouldn't" be coming to get comfort from their parent.

Do not continue this relationship as you will damage your children's childhood and relationship to you

Bigcat25 · 02/07/2023 04:42

Trust yourself with how you handle your kids when they're upset. It sounds like you handle it well and have a much better understanding of their sensory issues than he does. he's no parenting or sutism expert.

codemonkeya · 02/07/2023 05:13

You have to leave but you know that already. What's the alternative? Things get serious and you allow this man to live with your poor children?

Get rid.

He's not near perfect at all. He sounds horrible. Not everyone can cope with taking on kids with additional needs but then a normal person would understand that they come as part of the package and would have respectfully ended the relationship himself instead of staying but criticising your parenting at every opportunity.

There will be someone else out there who would love you and your kids. Whether you find that someone or not, please don't spend another minute with someone who dislikes your kids.

Snugglemonkey · 02/07/2023 05:18

Amberamethyst · 02/07/2023 00:52

Not motherly defending kids but they are very sensory and I could have a full scale row about everything or hug them and allow them to calm and then we discuss the issue but that's weak in his mind

Then you need to leave him. He is not respecting your parenting style. This means you are incompatible.

whittingtonmum · 02/07/2023 05:23

Too many bright red flags. Please end the relationship. You (& your kids) deserve better than that.

ZickZack · 02/07/2023 05:25

Well done for putting your kids first. Some people don't. I'm sorry he turned out to be a nasty twat jealous of two children

Meepme · 02/07/2023 05:26

@Amberamethyst he doesn't get to judge you. Your children come first. You sound like you're so grateful to have him that you'll accept anything. There will be someone decent out there, don't settle for this

WandaWonder · 02/07/2023 05:29

I can't believe you need to be told what do, hopefully you will learn this earlier for next time

JMSA · 02/07/2023 05:30

OP, you've come to the realisation that this relationship cannot continue, and that's you prioritising your kids and being a good mum. So well-done for that. But please do make sure you get rid!
I'm sorry, it probably does feel like shit, but it does need to be fine. The going is good only when it's the two of you, and there's no future in that when you have kids Flowers

MyEyesAreBleeding · 02/07/2023 05:31

You are amazing. You realise he's a shit bag who dislikes/can't tolerate your children. Many ignore these signs, you're listening. Get him in the bin, and be happy you recognise this is all shades of fucked up.

SchoolShenanigans · 02/07/2023 05:49

Massive. Red. Flag.

Protect your kids, get rid of your new, rather unkind, boyfriend.

SchoolShenanigans · 02/07/2023 05:53

And to add, ALL decent parents are soft sometimes. Because we love our children and children do well with love, attention and patience.

They don't do well when step parents are harsh and controlling.

I know you will, but you need to have faith in your own parenting and put your children first. They did ask to be born or to have additional needs, they need you. They absolutely don't deserve to have your boyfriend being unkind to and about them. I think you know that though, hence your post.

Find someone kind to share your life with, you'll be much happier.

Lacoeur · 02/07/2023 05:59

Sorry OP he needs to go!! Asap! He doesn’t like your children and that’s the biggest red flag of all- he ain’t the one. Get rid.

Dibbydoos · 02/07/2023 05:59

OP you deserve better.

Your kids even without additional needs still have needs. Comforting a child after a bad dream is normal.

He's a selfish prick.

Go find a man who is happy to take on you and your children x

HarrisJu · 02/07/2023 06:02

@Amberamethyst it was for a very good reason that one of dm’s partners was nicknamed Evil xxx. And we were adults who could answer back.
Dm saw the light eventually.
Yes, this man has to go.

Costco121 · 02/07/2023 06:10

No way is he near perfect man..bullying and critizing you and your kids..

im surprised you still even consider him,someone who is manipulating you to be a bad parent to your special needs children

hattie43 · 02/07/2023 06:12

I think he's intolerant of your special needs kids .

ButterflyOil · 02/07/2023 06:12

It’s totally easy to be ‘near perfect’ when you are just hanging out one on one and having fun. You can see who someone really is in how they respond to normal life.

I think you should try and work on your self-esteem because it sounds low. If it was higher you wouldn’t be doing yourself down about your age or being ‘a catch’ and you certainly wouldn’t even be questioning if you needed to end things with this new guy.

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