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Original poster

DSD affectionate with DP

137 replies

sundaymorningbliss · 01/07/2023 05:53

Posting here for advice after a sleepless night.
Usual poster but NC for this one.

Over the last few months DSDs behaviour has changed towards DP and I can't help it but I see elements of sexual attraction there. Apologies if it's triggering for anyone but I really need some advice on how to deal with it.

It used to be normal up to when she turned 10. Normal affection like you would get between father and daughter, cuddles, kisses and I love you, no concerns there. But now...

She demands DP sleeps with her, when he lays in bed she would jump on him and then bend over and kiss his face and lips and behaves in a way I would say is sexual. It's more like she licks his face and this again happened yesterday just before a bed time when we all were laying in the bed. I've asked her surprised why are you licking your dad's face DSD to which she replied she is only kissing him because she loves him so so much. DP echoed what she said and added than she can always kiss him how she likes and she isn't doing anything wrong. Maybe I'm losing my mind over nothing but every time she does it in this way I cringe.
She tells him she loves him million times a day, he can't even go to a different room without her running behind him saying how much she loves him and that she is missing him so much. I mean, this also heppens when he goes toilet she stands by the door questioning him why it took him so long and what has he been doing there. Again, DP doesn't see anything wrong with it and says he is happy because she clearly loves him so much.

On top of that she became extremely jealous, storming in between DP and I when we sit together or when we walk together and bursting in teras when she doesn't get her own way. DP doesn't see anything wrong with it either and would tell me to stop arguing with DSD when I politely say to her it's not a nice thing to do.

To all this mix comes the way DP has been over the years when we have been together. No holidays without DSD because not taking her would make him feel bad, she thinks life stops here when she is at her mums. I'm not allowed to tell her we have done anything nice or have been anywhere when she was away in case she gets upset.
I sometimes feel like the other woman, like I have to hide our relationship when she is here so she doesn't get upset.

Don't know, is it normal?
Thank you for reading 💐

OP posts:
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AutumnCrow · 01/07/2023 05:58

You might want to ask MNHQ to correct the typo in your thread title, so you get more replies. Hope you get some good advice on here.

Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 01/07/2023 06:04

Thank you! Only noticed it after I posted and asked now to be corrected. It's been a long night x

OP posts:
ThatFraggle · 01/07/2023 06:06

How old is DC now?

batmansbike · 01/07/2023 06:07

How often do you have DSD? It doesn't sound sexual to me, more like a little girl who has two homes and misses her Dad.

Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 01/07/2023 06:07

ThatFraggle · 01/07/2023 06:06

How old is DC now?

She is nearly 11

OP posts:
Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 01/07/2023 06:09

batmansbike · 01/07/2023 06:07

How often do you have DSD? It doesn't sound sexual to me, more like a little girl who has two homes and misses her Dad.

The split is 50/50 but realistically she is here more as often comes after school for dinner and DP takes her back to her mum before she goes to bed

OP posts:
MIBnightmare · 01/07/2023 06:11

It sounds awful OP . How long have you two been together?

Sadly the level of guilt and subsequent Disney-fathering is impossible to change and will only get worse as puberty hits. I would be demanding partner attends relationship counselling with you as he needs to hear from a third party how unhealthy this whole dynamic is. If he refuses I would call it a day.

The no holidays without the DSD would be enough for me. !

ModeWeasel · 01/07/2023 06:11

It sounds like she misses him and feels insecure in his love.

Justanothernamechange1001 · 01/07/2023 06:17

To me this sounds like a very insecure little girl. Which I think with not seeing dad all the time plus the hormones that come in to play at this age, while not normal, is understandable. Your problem here OP is with how your dp handles it. It is absolutely ok for them to have a loving relationship, but not when it comes at the expense of your own. She needs to be shown and taught that he loves her but that he also is in a relationship with you and that he has a life outside of her, just like he would if he was still with her mother. As a previous poster said, the guilt and Disney dad-ing is real but that needs to stop, and that can only come from him. Wishing you the best 💐

BattleofBeamfleot · 01/07/2023 06:19

That does not sound sexual to me at all but I do agree it's uncomfortable and very likely feels inappropriate to you. It sounds more like attention seeking driven from insecurity and that's where this competitive behaviour is coming from.

Girls at this age get more insecure and remember that at schools they will be having friendship dramas all the time where they have to perform their friendships in a way that's OTT and show off how close they are to their "bestie". I think she might be mirroring this at home.

Can you double up the love? Join in the group hugs and make it clear she is never unwelcome, show affection even when you're receiving the obnoxious end of the Dad favouritism. "We both love you so very much" etc etc. I'm not promising miracles here but it might be a helpful technique to calm the insecurities and via that, the behaviour.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 01/07/2023 06:23

It sounds like she is trying to insert her authority over you as number 1 in Dad's world. It doesn't sound untoward in a sexual way. She's probably understanding a lot more about her parents being seperate now and where you fit in. It does sound like 'I love my Dad more than you, and he loves me more than you'.

Not sure how you'd deal with it. Good luck!

Hibiscrubbed · 01/07/2023 07:10

This sounds like a total minefield. I agree it sounds inappropriate. I felt very uncomfortable reading your post.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 01/07/2023 07:12

It sounds like an insecure little girl trying to feel like the most important person in her dads life.

Wallywobbles · 01/07/2023 07:21

I absolutely couldn't deal with this. And I'm a stepmum and we've been through this age group. I don't like age inappropriate behavior. She's basically marking her territory. DFs don't seem to see an issue.

No advice im afraid but I'd be rethinking the relationship.

Livinghappy · 01/07/2023 07:22

Sadly you won't be able to do anything unless your partner decides he isn't keen on the behaviour and from what you have said he seems to be lapping up the adoration.I don't think this is sexual just a level of bonding that seems ott.

Will they both grow out if it...maybe but often not. It's seems to be more common for dad's to put their daughters on a pedestal as they enjoy the attention they receive.

namechangenacy · 01/07/2023 07:23

Have you heard of spousification ? I would give it a Google and see if any of it applies.

The problem doesn't lie however with your dsd but your dp. Because he's allowing some weird behaviour here, and this kid is clearly insecure and he's feeding into that.

He needs to knock this on the head as puberty is around the corner.

Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 01/07/2023 10:09

namechangenacy · 01/07/2023 07:23

Have you heard of spousification ? I would give it a Google and see if any of it applies.

The problem doesn't lie however with your dsd but your dp. Because he's allowing some weird behaviour here, and this kid is clearly insecure and he's feeding into that.

He needs to knock this on the head as puberty is around the corner.

I haven't, off to Google now. How is he feeding into DSD being insecure?

It's so difficult to be objective when in the middle of it and not being sure what's right and what's wrong.
On the surface DSD telling him he loves him and kisses him is a good thing

OP posts:
Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 01/07/2023 10:20

What I also find weird is DP treating DSD like his extension if it makes sense?
He says his feelings are the same as DSD's. If her mum for example feeds her crap and puts her to bed late, he says she is hurting DSD and him equally and he is directly affected because he feels impacted to the same extend as DSD.

It's almost as if they two were one in his eyes.
I can't get it. I understand you have a child and you love them dearly but never in my life came across something similar.

It was also apparent when there was a problem with DSD insisting she sits in the front seat every time when I'm in the car or I sit with her in the back when she tells me to do so.
I said no. Big argument with DP afterwards. It was a while ago and to this day DP is resentful saying I broke his heart when I refused let DSD in front when she wanted it and I have hurt him equally as bad as I hurt his DD.

OP posts:
Ejismyf · 01/07/2023 10:26

Sounds like Sigmeund Froids The Oedipus complex, your dp needs to discourage her from jumping on him and kissing like that. I can't imagine my 10.5 year old son behaving like this with me and my daughters certainly didn't with their dad. I did use to be jealous of my dads girlfriends when I was young in a sense of feeling they were taking my dad away and I did share a bed with him maybe till 8 when I stayed as I was scared at his but there wasn't that level of affection or anything. Id maybe kiss him goodbye when he dropped us home to my mums and occasionally have a cuddle on the couch watching TV but not that much.

Ejismyf · 01/07/2023 10:28

Reading your last post I think id end the relationship I couldn't be arsed with the weird dynamic they have going on. Like a codependancy on each other.

monsteramunch · 01/07/2023 10:29

Ejismyf · 01/07/2023 10:28

Reading your last post I think id end the relationship I couldn't be arsed with the weird dynamic they have going on. Like a codependancy on each other.

This.

None of the relationship dynamics in this situation are healthy, including yours with him due to his bizarre behaviour.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life battling against this and trying to not offend him while also cringing at inappropriate and unhealthy behaviour?

Life's too short.

AutumnCrow · 01/07/2023 10:30

Ejismyf · 01/07/2023 10:28

Reading your last post I think id end the relationship I couldn't be arsed with the weird dynamic they have going on. Like a codependancy on each other.

Yeah, same here. In fact I was pretty much thinking those exact words, ‘I couldn’t be arsed with it’.

It’s all far too weird and getting weirder.

CwmYoy · 01/07/2023 10:32

It certainly is far from normal father/child interaction. They are both behaving in a way I would find disturbing.

ridingsolo · 01/07/2023 11:06

BattleofBeamfleot · 01/07/2023 06:19

That does not sound sexual to me at all but I do agree it's uncomfortable and very likely feels inappropriate to you. It sounds more like attention seeking driven from insecurity and that's where this competitive behaviour is coming from.

Girls at this age get more insecure and remember that at schools they will be having friendship dramas all the time where they have to perform their friendships in a way that's OTT and show off how close they are to their "bestie". I think she might be mirroring this at home.

Can you double up the love? Join in the group hugs and make it clear she is never unwelcome, show affection even when you're receiving the obnoxious end of the Dad favouritism. "We both love you so very much" etc etc. I'm not promising miracles here but it might be a helpful technique to calm the insecurities and via that, the behaviour.

Uch 'double up the love' no thanks, don't enmesh yourself with this odd behaviour, I think this is quite common for daughters and their dads from previous relationships, is she an only child? Was your DP single for quite some time before hand? I'd say you need to remove yourself from the unhealthy behaviour.
I don't personally think it's healthy for him to sleep in the same bed as her while leaving you, his wife!!! To sleep on your own. I'd be giving him an ultimatum

P1ckledonionz · 01/07/2023 11:18

This does sound weird and the thing is you'll not have any influence over this weird dynamic because your are not the mother.

For men who enjoy power being separated from the baby-mama and having a new woman is great as the new woman can never play the "mother" card since she doesn't have that natural authority. Therefore he gets to entirely control his children when they are with him and he controls you by not allowing your concerns to have equal weight as his.

I think you need to get away from this situation, it is too weird.

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