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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send kids to day boarding?

202 replies

Wantoncookie · 01/07/2023 20:29

I work a very high pressured job in the city (often 7am-8/9pm) OH is similar albeit he finishes at 6pm usually. I’ve shopped around and noticed there are a few schools that offer day boarding rather than over night boarding and really feel this would work for our family. DM is saying I’m a bad parent and this is not the answer etc aibu to be considering this 🫤

OP posts:
cinnamonfrenchtoast · 02/07/2023 14:51

YeahIsaidit · 02/07/2023 14:45

It's true though. It seems very clear to most everyone else that OP and DH are choosing to work long hours and not sacrifice anything for their kids other than the cash to outsource their care. No we don't know their living or financial situation but as has been pointed out several times by various pps it is obvious that they aren't doing it out of a financial need as expensive care options are available to them. Parenting isn't just about making sure you have high wages to provide kids with stuff. They need routine, love, care and a family life and by all accounts they aren't getting it. It is sad and I don't get how you can't see that. Being out all day, coming home and going to bed barely seeing your parents (if at all) is a very sad existence for a small child

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I'm not even going to bother anymore. Your comments are awful and incredibly offensive.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 02/07/2023 14:53

Is your dim offering to help with childcare?

I think it's way too long to leave a child in school/childcare (assuming 12-13 hours a day) and I think it does make you a pretty poor parent tbh.

During an average week mom- Fri how much time do you spend with your children? At age 6 my dd was getting up around 7am and in bed for 7pm ish so working your hours I wouldn't have seen her at all.

Yabbadabbadotime · 02/07/2023 14:55

How old are the DC?

If you earn the kind of salary where boarding is an option, could one/both of you not reduce hours a bit? I'm in a very senior 6 figure director level role & am finding it works really well with my primary level DC to do 4 days over 5, so i work shorter hours.

You shouldn't regularly be having to do crazy hours, its terrifically unproductive as the work people produce working 10-12 hour days regularly is generally poor. It also sets an awful example to junior staff who feel they must do the same.

Being disciplined enough to ignore a long hours culture is a really important senior level skill.

Catsanfan · 02/07/2023 14:55

@cinnamonfrenchtoast 'any parent who dares outsource any if it' that's the point though. Its not 'any of it' in this case, its ALL of it.

My daughter goes to breakfast club so I 'dare outsource ' some of it but there are huge ranges in how much' families outsource it, and the OP and her DH are taking it to the extreme

Yabbadabbadotime · 02/07/2023 14:57

Catsanfan agree.

Oursource the cleaning, get childcare to enable normal full time working, yes. But just using any available option to enable both parents to work extremely long hours and pretend they are childfree? Its a stretch, and DH and I both have "big" 6 figure city jobs. Part time is readily available and affordable on the sorts of salary OP & husband will be on.

Herbsandflowers · 02/07/2023 14:58

Well if it makes you a bad parent …. My kids were 8-7pm every weekday with a childminder from a few months old. Even on the day I was at home because I needed to clean and stuff. I’d imagine hanging out and doing prep with their buddies will be no hardship at all.

Nordicrain · 02/07/2023 15:10

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 02/07/2023 14:50

Where did I say it was unproblematic or a great service? I didn't.

You asked what happens in school holidays - I answered.

Out of curiosity, I looked up my old private school to see what they offer. As well as full-time, weekly or occasional boarding, they offer an extended school day as standard - so children can be dropped off anytime from 7am and picked up anytime between the end of the school day (3pm) and 8.30pm. That's at no extra cost and includes, breakfast, dinner, snacks, free play/time and clubs.

During the holidays, they have a full-time holiday club for ages 5-12 at a cost of £37 per day including all meals. There are also various other camps for different sports or activities too.

If I was a full-time working parent with a long commute I could see the appeal. No need to worry about needing to collect by 6pm. No need to panic if the train is late or a meeting over-runs. No need to panic about rushing home to feed children after a long day - it's all sorted for you.

I read lots of threads from stressed out parents who hate having to come straight in from work and organise homework and cook dinner - they get tons of sympathy, but any parent who dares outsource any of it is suddenly an awful person who doesn't care about her kids Hmm

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8:30pm? Excellent, OP don't bother with your school and the 7 pm finish. Here you have one that does 7-830. If they have a bus too, you could both easily work 15 hr days, get the details from @cinnamonfrenchtoast ASAP!

Nordicrain · 02/07/2023 15:12

Catsanfan · 02/07/2023 14:55

@cinnamonfrenchtoast 'any parent who dares outsource any if it' that's the point though. Its not 'any of it' in this case, its ALL of it.

My daughter goes to breakfast club so I 'dare outsource ' some of it but there are huge ranges in how much' families outsource it, and the OP and her DH are taking it to the extreme

And it's exactly this. It's not the cleaning, or 8-6, or 4 days a week. It's (now) 7-8:30, every single day all week. And holidays too. And maybe even throwing in a weekend or two. That's what you seem to be saying is completely fine.

babbscrabbs · 02/07/2023 15:12

Depends on the DC

Personally I think 6 is too young.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 02/07/2023 15:15

And it's exactly this. It's not the cleaning, or 8-6, or 4 days a week. It's (now) 7-8:30, every single day all week. And holidays too. And maybe even throwing in a weekend or two. That's what you seem to be saying is completely fine.

Where did I say that?

Nordicrain · 02/07/2023 15:18

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 02/07/2023 15:15

And it's exactly this. It's not the cleaning, or 8-6, or 4 days a week. It's (now) 7-8:30, every single day all week. And holidays too. And maybe even throwing in a weekend or two. That's what you seem to be saying is completely fine.

Where did I say that?

So you don't think it's fine?

BoardingSchoolMater · 02/07/2023 15:20

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 02/07/2023 14:25

The problem with using a nanny is that you have no back-up if they're unwell or can't work for whatever reason. At least with day-boarding, you know your children will be looked after no matter what.

I do agree 6 is too young, but most schools won't let them day-board at that age anyway which I mentioned to OP way upthread.

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True. I do have experience of one school which offers it for younger pupils, but such schools are relatively unusual.

I think I'd go for an after school nanny, and use day boarding in emergencies (such as the nanny being ill) for children of those ages.

Catsanfan · 02/07/2023 15:27

Still think nanny is a good idea, I guess if they phone in sick one or other parent stays home that day, it's not that different a situation to one of the kids being ill, in that me or DH would have to miss work if our kids were ill.

Thistooshallpsss · 02/07/2023 15:29

Poor kids

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 02/07/2023 15:54

@Nordicrain I don't think it's ideal but I also don't think it's as horrendous as everyone is trying to make it out to be 🤷‍♀️

bonzaitree · 02/07/2023 16:05

I think an au pair would be a better option personally. Nothing better than coming home after school and relaxing at home. I’d be concerned at their ages that they wouldn’t have enough chill / downtime.

bonzaitree · 02/07/2023 16:06

Although I think when they’re teens they might love day boarding. Sounds like fun to be with friends all day doing fun things. Maybe when they’re older they might want to do this

bonzaitree · 02/07/2023 16:09

WellWellWellWhatHaveWeHeree · 02/07/2023 06:36

Sorry but....
This!

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You could just as easily say why bother having kids if you can’t afford uni/ weddings/ house deposits for them.

Attention is one thing but also having financial advantages of 1 or 2 high earning parents is also important for their life outcomes!

YeahIsaidit · 02/07/2023 16:14

bonzaitree · 02/07/2023 16:09

You could just as easily say why bother having kids if you can’t afford uni/ weddings/ house deposits for them.

Attention is one thing but also having financial advantages of 1 or 2 high earning parents is also important for their life outcomes!

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Financial advantages mean sod all when you get little to no attention at all though. You can't replace parental love and care with stuff

Lovetotravel123 · 02/07/2023 16:18

I would say that if you go for any kind of day or weekly boarding, be ready for the kids to turn around and say ‘what would you know? You’re never here’. It might not happen until they’re teens, but there is a strong chance it will. I totally understand the importance of self-actualisation and careers, but imagine that you’re coming to the end of your life; will you wish you had worked more or had more time with the kids?

YeahIsaidit · 02/07/2023 16:20

Catsanfan · 02/07/2023 15:27

Still think nanny is a good idea, I guess if they phone in sick one or other parent stays home that day, it's not that different a situation to one of the kids being ill, in that me or DH would have to miss work if our kids were ill.

Yeah, parental leave exists for just this kind of instance and employers can't refuse it

Nordicrain · 02/07/2023 16:34

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 02/07/2023 15:54

@Nordicrain I don't think it's ideal but I also don't think it's as horrendous as everyone is trying to make it out to be 🤷‍♀️

Excellent fence sitting.

UlrikakakaJ · 02/07/2023 16:37

Hi @Wantoncookie I think it’s a practical solution. If you have made your decision on jobs/hours already then it’s just a matter of what works best to fill the time around the main school day - I think the options are day boarding, weekly boarding or a nanny. The advantage of weekly boarding is no commuting for the kids which makes it more manageable maybe, plus if you usually do some work at the weekend you could do that in the evening and aim for a free weekend. The advantage of a nanny is that you have the holidays covered. I know people with big jobs doing all of these options and they all seem to work fine. Good luck!

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 02/07/2023 17:03

Nordicrain · 02/07/2023 16:34

Excellent fence sitting.

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I just don't think it's as clear cut as everyone is trying to make it out to be.

I don't think it's the ideal situation but very few parents can afford to do what's ideal. It's better than some other solutions and worse than others. Same as many things in life, really.

swimminginthesun · 02/07/2023 22:36

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 02/07/2023 17:03

I just don't think it's as clear cut as everyone is trying to make it out to be.

I don't think it's the ideal situation but very few parents can afford to do what's ideal. It's better than some other solutions and worse than others. Same as many things in life, really.

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Upthread you had only positive things to say about your experience as a day boarder. Is it the age of the children that makes you think it’s not ideal in this case?