To send kids to day boarding?

[Wantoncookie]

I work a very high pressured job in the city (often 7am-8/9pm) OH is similar albeit he finishes at 6pm usually. I’ve shopped around and noticed there are a few schools that offer day boarding rather than over night boarding and really feel this would work for our family. DM is saying I’m a bad parent and this is not the answer etc aibu to be considering this 🫤

I think it would very much depend on the kids. Mine would have utterly hated it, all they wanted to do after school was come home and chill out. They often then did extra curricular stuff later like swimming, brownies, music but that wasn’t straight after school and they really needed that decompression time. I agree that if you can get someone to collect your kids and then look after them at home until your DH arrives that would be better.

Also if the day would be getting up around 6.15/ 6.30 then not getting home until 7.30/ 8 then bedtime routine that’s a very long day.

Hardly the point, the fact remains they can afford to shell out thousands on school/boarding school and are therefore not hard up financially. They are putting their careers over their children. If they genuinely had to do this to survive financially that would be fair enough, but that's clearly not the case here.

I have not said she is a shit parent.

I do agree that for most children effectively not seeing their parents, or other people who love them, all week every week is unlikely to be in their best interests.

I have said that it would not be my choice for my kids to be at school 13 hrs a day though. And I say this and someone in a professional career that could easily be progressed a lot if it is what I prioritised. But, for me, with smallish kids, now is not the time for that.

Unless you know the ins and outs of OP's finances, working and living conditions, I'm not really sure how you can make that assumption.

I know you haven't, which is why I said "people" should refrain rather than "you" specifically - sorry if that wasn't clear.

Yes most parents work, maybe both full time or any combination, but any parents who are together and working 13/14h days each and outsourcing childcare are absolutely putting career and earning over their children and I think that's wrong. As many others have pointed out, when private school and boarding are options available to them, there clearly isn't a dire financial need to be doing that. Children need the security of loving present parents and a stable family routine, not being dumped on strangers by parents who'd rather earn than spend time with them

Parents using childcare aren't "dumping their kids on strangers". Do you realise how offensive you sound or do you just not care?

You have no idea about OP's circumstances or why she feels the need to consider day boarding over other types of childcare. Maybe she feels it's more reliable than a childminder or nanny (as you're not solely dependent on one person), maybe she feels it would suit her children to just be in one place all day. You don't know - you're just making unpleasant assumptions.

Yes OP! How very dare you have an involved career expecting long hours!

You should be a stay at home mum, with a part time job and low pay, whose husband gets used to the privilege of having someone to carry the domestic load and starts treating you like a skivvy..

You're not a real person, why on earth have you got a real job. Why are you teaching your kids that women are more than domestic servants and second class citizens ? Why are you teaching them a strong work ethic!? You're just a walking womb and support human.

Know your place woman!

The usual Mumsnet internalised misogyny is on full display today.

On a serious note OP my son often had his breakfast at his private school. We both worked serious hours in serious jobs to give him the best start we could.

He's now an independent, capable and resilient young man and we are very close. He's not damaged at all, he knows how much he is loved and he knows how hard we worked to give him the best we could. Also unlike so many on here, my husband carries half the mental load and doesn't help around the house, he does just as much as me.

Tell your Mum to keep her nose out, women aren't obliged to believe that being chained to the kitchen sink is the best way to live their lives anymore. Day boarding will be a practical solution and will give your kids consistency. They'll meet friends doing the same and they'll be safe and fed. They may well get involved in after school activities and hopefully they'll get all their prep done in good time too!

I was beginning to feel like a very lone voice

Excellently said and I completely agree with you.

@cinnamonfrenchtoast are you the OP under a different user name? I don't understand what you don't get about boarding schools being extremely expensive. If they can afford that kind of schooling they aren't hard up, it's not rocket science!

Agree that if OP is not home till 9ish she must barely see hide nor hair of them all week, that cannot possibly be in their best interests. You have to make sacrifices for your children.

Surely the most obvious answer is a nanny, they would be in their home environment, have all their own toys and books available and some time to chill after school.

Talk about taking it out of context. No reason her DH can't get a different job. Staying at work for 13 hours is a choice, she doesn't have to do it! No issues with people working full time but this is way beyond that!

Oh come off it. This isn't about women working. This is about two parents (man and woman I have assumed) working so much that their kids need to be out of the home 13-14 hrs a day. Neither parent making any adjustment to avoid that.

But I gather your post is mainly a touched nerve.

Hmm.
I'm all in favour of boarding (obviously), but 6 and 10 is too young. 10 very occasionally, perhaps, but not regularly. 6: absolutely not. A 6 yr old needs to come home after school and chat/play/relax. In that position (and I'm assuming finances are not an issue), I'd spend the money on a nanny instead.

(And I'm talking about day boarding there, not overnight boarding).

I'm not the OP, no.

Yes, private school isn't cheap but it could easily be cheaper than paying for a full-time nanny 52 weeks a year.

The other issue with hiring a nanny is that you have no back-up. If the nanny is sick, or quits at the last minute, you're left high and dry, whereas if you're paying a school to provide care, you don't have to worry about that.

The problem with using a nanny is that you have no back-up if they're unwell or can't work for whatever reason. At least with day-boarding, you know your children will be looked after no matter what.

I do agree 6 is too young, but most schools won't let them day-board at that age anyway which I mentioned to OP way upthread.

What do you think happens during school holidays? Schools are closed, where do the kids go then??

Many private schools offer summer holiday clubs from 8am-6pm.

Parents also have annual leave to help cover the holidays.

Ah excellent, the OP and her husband can avoid being inconvenienced by their kids all year round.

The nanny wouldn't need to be full time though, they are school age so would just be a few hours a day

Oh, do stop being so unpleasant.

It was a little tongue in cheek. But your comment did illustrate that you obviously think it's completely unproblematic, and in fact a great service offering, for children to be at school 12+hrs a day, year round. Save weekends of course. Although I know many private schools offer weekend attendance too, so perhaps that's another bonus!

I know that, but you're still relying on one person to do all the before/after school care. If the nanny is running late, or has an appointment, or is off sick - you have no back-up. You also need to find a nanny willing to work such awkward/split hours.

There are often threads on here from stressed parents left panicking because the childminder is sick or the nanny can't get to work and they're completely stuck re. childcare.

It's true though. It seems very clear to most everyone else that OP and DH are choosing to work long hours and not sacrifice anything for their kids other than the cash to outsource their care. No we don't know their living or financial situation but as has been pointed out several times by various pps it is obvious that they aren't doing it out of a financial need as expensive care options are available to them. Parenting isn't just about making sure you have high wages to provide kids with stuff. They need routine, love, care and a family life and by all accounts they aren't getting it. It is sad and I don't get how you can't see that. Being out all day, coming home and going to bed barely seeing your parents (if at all) is a very sad existence for a small child

Where did I say it was unproblematic or a great service? I didn't.

You asked what happens in school holidays - I answered.

Out of curiosity, I looked up my old private school to see what they offer. As well as full-time, weekly or occasional boarding, they offer an extended school day as standard - so children can be dropped off anytime from 7am and picked up anytime between the end of the school day (3pm) and 8.30pm. That's at no extra cost and includes, breakfast, dinner, snacks, free play/time and clubs.

During the holidays, they have a full-time holiday club for ages 5-12 at a cost of £37 per day including all meals. There are also various other camps for different sports or activities too.

If I was a full-time working parent with a long commute I could see the appeal. No need to worry about needing to collect by 6pm. No need to panic if the train is late or a meeting over-runs. No need to panic about rushing home to feed children after a long day - it's all sorted for you.

I read lots of threads from stressed out parents who hate having to come straight in from work and organise homework and cook dinner - they get tons of sympathy, but any parent who dares outsource any of it is suddenly an awful person who doesn't care about her kids