Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send kids to day boarding?

202 replies

Wantoncookie · 01/07/2023 20:29

I work a very high pressured job in the city (often 7am-8/9pm) OH is similar albeit he finishes at 6pm usually. I’ve shopped around and noticed there are a few schools that offer day boarding rather than over night boarding and really feel this would work for our family. DM is saying I’m a bad parent and this is not the answer etc aibu to be considering this 🫤

OP posts:
SunnyEgg · 01/07/2023 22:44

Wantoncookie · 01/07/2023 22:37

@Appleblossompetal 6 and 10

I’d say that’s a lot for a 6 year old. A nanny might be better

pointij · 01/07/2023 22:51

The schools with day boarding that I've looked at sound better than regular schools with wraparound care, because the activity options after school are richer - lots of music and coached sports. Lots of wraparound care is just crowd control, even in a good day prep. So that's one advantage over a day school.

I think age 6 feels too young to me. Quite a few parents at my dc's prep work very long hours (law firm partners/city bankers, dcs are in bed before they get home). But they have all have nannies who are lovely and nurturing, and the dc are able to relax at home (and ferry them to after school clubs) I think that works better than day boarding before secondary age.

NeverTrustAPoliceman · 01/07/2023 22:52

Mine would have hated it. They are adults now and still say they loved me picking them up from school and doing stuff with them. But your DC might be different OP.

swimminginthesun · 01/07/2023 22:54

@cinnamonfrenchtoast Apologies, no offence meant. I guess it’s just a different level of involvement and what you’ve described is just not for me. My kids are still young though. Maybe I’ll feel differently as they get older and more independent and no longer want or need me to come along on after school trips to the park or library. I definitely intend to increase my working hours as they grow up though I can’t imagine ever going back to the 12.5 hour days I used to do.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 01/07/2023 22:55

Wantoncookie · 01/07/2023 22:37

@Appleblossompetal 6 and 10

I would check whether day-boarding is available for the 6yo as at many private schools it's not an option until they're eight.

YeahIsaidit · 01/07/2023 22:59

I agree with your mum. My DS is 17 and I still feel guilty working 9-5 when he's at home perfectly fine and entertaining himself on his computer or out with friends when he's not at work or college himself. I worked evenings with my parents kindly offering childcare when he was younger. 7-7 is a long time to be at school, presumably to come home wind down and then go to bed? When would you ever spend time with them? Those suggesting full boarding, just seems cruel to me. Why bother having kids at all just to be a PT parent who only sees them at weekends?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 01/07/2023 23:01

swimminginthesun · 01/07/2023 22:54

@cinnamonfrenchtoast Apologies, no offence meant. I guess it’s just a different level of involvement and what you’ve described is just not for me. My kids are still young though. Maybe I’ll feel differently as they get older and more independent and no longer want or need me to come along on after school trips to the park or library. I definitely intend to increase my working hours as they grow up though I can’t imagine ever going back to the 12.5 hour days I used to do.

Thank you for apologising.

I did have those things at weekends though - it's not like I somehow missed on my parents taking me to the park or the library - we just did on Saturdays instead.

In fact, as a day boarder, I got to play on the (massive) playground everyday after school. I got to go on the big trampolines and use the pool and play stuck in the mud. We had cake or biscuits everyday and I got to eat tea with all my friends - it was like one massive playdate really.

Summerfun54321 · 01/07/2023 23:17

A 6 year old needs time to decompress at home. children don't even start school until age 7 in some countries. A 10 year old might enjoy it but not every day. I would just get a nanny to do drop offs and pick ups and at least they can have some chilled time at home then.

Avondale89 · 01/07/2023 23:25

I couldn’t leave a 6 year old for that long, but I assume it depends on the personality of the child and how you’d think they’d cope. Plenty of people on this thread seem to have thrived in childcare situations like this. Personally, I know I wouldn’t have done as a kid.

Notmineagain · 01/07/2023 23:47

I have an almost 7yo and no way would he be ok with those hours. He's getting ready for bed by 7:30 so I can't imagine him getting home after 7 then straight to bed. This sounds like such a miserable life for a child. When do you see them? Is a job worth that much that you are basically just living in with your dc rather than parenting them and spending any time during the week with them?

HannahDefoesTrenchcoat · 02/07/2023 00:12

OP you know your kids and family best.

I can’t see how day boarding is any worse then getting dragged to your siblings’ gymnastics/music/swimming/ballet/footie and sitting around waiting or doing homework or going to your own clubs and getting in late. lots of kids are busy until gone 7.

most good boarding schools have really rich after school activities. It’s not like they’ll be in Latin until 7. As long as they like school and get a chance to do quieter things if it suits them (art, reading).

NuffSaidSam · 02/07/2023 00:16

If you can afford it I'd go for a nanny or similar so they can be at home before and after school. But if they love school and would be happy with this then go for it. For me it sounds awful!

Mumtothreegirlies · 02/07/2023 00:20

I suppose it depends whether your career is more important then your children and ask yourself why on earth you had them in the first place and how much money you really need.

newusername2009 · 02/07/2023 00:27

If the school is a good one and the day boarding is well provisioned I think it’s a great option. The reality is that parents that pick up after school spend many of those evenings rushing around doing homework, activities, dinner - yours would do all of this already so your weekends and what is left of the evening is stress free.

I know I rush to pick up from after school club at 5:30 and try to balance the stress of not having finished my work with being present for them.

in an ideal world I would be a SAHM but the reality is that’s not going to work for me.

TrishTrix · 02/07/2023 00:28

I’ve got friends who gave done it. Not every day but on their pressurised day in the week.

on the day boarding day they both worked late, collected kids, got them home and into bed.

It gave breathing space in the week. The kids got collected after after school club the other days (as with a guaranteed late finish some days this was easier to achieve work wise) and the supervised prep time on day boarding days meant the prep on “normal” days was less onerous.

tt9 · 02/07/2023 00:52

sounds v sensible. they will get their dinner and have help with homework so (hopefully depending on the school and amount of homework) they can rest once they get home

Trying2understand · 02/07/2023 01:00

If day boarding is what I think it is, it sounds exhausting and like a 12 hour day. What about either weekly boarding and they are home every Friday to Sunday night or Monday am? Or a nanny that does school pick up until 8 pm or so?

Trying2understand · 02/07/2023 01:02

Somehow I missed your update. 6 and 10?! Way too young to board. I'd definitely hire a nanny who is very child centred/loving and have her to school pick up until you are home. Definitely. They are far too young to not have someone there for them in the evenings.

TicTac80 · 02/07/2023 01:23

OP it sounds like a really sensible idea. FWIW, my kids have both needed extended wraparound care hours (7/7:30am - 6:30/7pm) since they were really young (age 5) because of my job (HCP). When I was married, I was the breadwinner (XH was unreliable*and I needed robust childcare in place). I'm a single parent now and still have to have this wraparound care - XH won't take on the reins of parenting, he doesn't pay CM and I literally have no one else. My eldest now doesn't need this, but my youngest does on 4 days of the week (I was lucky enough to be able to compress FT hours into 4 days, and start/finish work around the wraparound care times).

Do I wish that I could drop her at school at normal school drop off time, and pick her up at normal school finish time? Yes, of course I do. But I wouldn't be able to earn enough to keep us as a family afloat. Do I wish that I didn't need paid childcare because DC2 had a lovely supportive father who would step up and co-parent properly? Of course I do. Do I wish that I could afford a nanny for the days I work? Absolutely.

However, my youngest enjoys the wraparound care. They give her breakfast and supper. She has a chance to play with friends and do her homework. The onsite facilities are great (lovely outdoor play areas, nice spacious classroom areas), and the staff are lovely. I pick her up at the end of the day, and we chill at home together afterwards.

NoBiscuitsLeftInMyTin · 02/07/2023 02:11

TicTac80 · 02/07/2023 01:23

OP it sounds like a really sensible idea. FWIW, my kids have both needed extended wraparound care hours (7/7:30am - 6:30/7pm) since they were really young (age 5) because of my job (HCP). When I was married, I was the breadwinner (XH was unreliable*and I needed robust childcare in place). I'm a single parent now and still have to have this wraparound care - XH won't take on the reins of parenting, he doesn't pay CM and I literally have no one else. My eldest now doesn't need this, but my youngest does on 4 days of the week (I was lucky enough to be able to compress FT hours into 4 days, and start/finish work around the wraparound care times).

Do I wish that I could drop her at school at normal school drop off time, and pick her up at normal school finish time? Yes, of course I do. But I wouldn't be able to earn enough to keep us as a family afloat. Do I wish that I didn't need paid childcare because DC2 had a lovely supportive father who would step up and co-parent properly? Of course I do. Do I wish that I could afford a nanny for the days I work? Absolutely.

However, my youngest enjoys the wraparound care. They give her breakfast and supper. She has a chance to play with friends and do her homework. The onsite facilities are great (lovely outdoor play areas, nice spacious classroom areas), and the staff are lovely. I pick her up at the end of the day, and we chill at home together afterwards.

That sounds like it’s worked well for you and that’s great, I’ve posted earlier re kids (us) who enjoyed similar (full time boarding) and the lifelong friendships we created etc and it was a great big club and enjoyed activities that we would never have experienced had been straight to school and back - but some of our contempories hated it and didn’t last a term. I really do think it’s horses for courses.

BamBamBambi · 02/07/2023 05:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Stirredandconfused678 · 02/07/2023 05:52

Op I think you need to ignore everyone’s opinions and ask the day boarding schools you are considering if they will put you in touch with current parents (some schools will do this and others not) and having spoken to them go with your gut about what will suit your particular dc and your particular job and home circumstances. If the school won’t arrange this, ask on a local Facebook group and speak to parents directly.

Families and dc are not all the same. And some people do (thank heavens for society) very important jobs. If we want female equality we need women to be able to do important jobs as well as men.

It’s always tough on the dc but the people saying “find a lovely nanny” are forgetting that finding and retaining the right nanny can be extremely difficult. It is brilliant when it works and you have continuity for many years , but you are relying on one person so if nanny is ill or absent or leaves suddenly for some reason you are stuck, and you are handing over a phenomenal amount of trust to one person without much outside policing (ie no other colleagues there to observe and verify what they are doing). Having a nanny can be problematic too.

And I say all this as someone who believes in making it easier for parents to work, as many EU countries do, and having destroyed my chances of having a proper career in favour of my dh’s high powered job as we felt there needed to be one person available for dc on their terms and not those of a society that’s attuned to commerce and consumerism.

Looking back I was quite depressed during the latter periods of being sahm and pt working mum though so the truth is that that isn’t always the perfect answer either! I am much happier now I can work more!

Finally I think a crucial element in all of this is how well your dc cope with having to have their “in public” face on all day as opposed to being able to chill at home and in private. Some dc have the strength of personality that they can find inner relaxation wherever they are. Some are more sensitive and need more of a bolt hole.

Dibbydoos · 02/07/2023 06:22

YANBU you're kids will be find day boarding. You're not being a bad parent at all.

Do it.

I had my kins in breakfast and after school clubs they loved both as they were fed and also included play/messy time.

hattie43 · 02/07/2023 06:27

Some people fit their life around their children others like OP fit their children around their life .
Personally I think day boarding is too long a day . I think it has to be boarding or a nanny .

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/07/2023 06:29

Terryer · Yesterday 20:48
A day boarder at my dds school is a flexible boarder - ie you have a bed but only spend one or two nights a week there”

This