To send kids to day boarding?

[Wantoncookie]

I work a very high pressured job in the city (often 7am-8/9pm) OH is similar albeit he finishes at 6pm usually. I’ve shopped around and noticed there are a few schools that offer day boarding rather than over night boarding and really feel this would work for our family. DM is saying I’m a bad parent and this is not the answer etc aibu to be considering this 🫤

I'm not sure exactly what your issue is. You don't seem bothered about not having time with your children, you don't seem concerned about what is best for the children, you don't seem to have a reason why it's necessary for both of you to do those hours, but you are worried what your mum thinks of you. Is that right? If you can't avoid needing them cared for 12 hours per day then that's that really, but you should take a beat to consider what's actually best for your children from all the available options, rather than worrying what others think of you.

Your poor kids

I know the “careers’ are more important than anything else” mantra is popular on here

I've literally never seen anyone say or imply that careers are more important than anything else on these boards.

OP, ignore the people who are ignoring your question and sticking the boot in. Your husband finishes at 6pm which is a completely normal time for someone to finish work, and your evening hours aren't much worse. It's your early mornings that make it trickier.

Based on what you've said and your children's ages, I'm not sure day boarding is the best solution. I'd be more inclined to find someone who can do mornings and after school and all the pick ups and drop offs. We had a lovely nanny who was employed as nanny-housekeeper, so she'd do drop off, half a day housekeeping, afternoon off (paid) then pick up from school and supervise at home. Worked really well and she was there in the holidays too to do a full day of childcare (less housekeeping) which your day boarding idea obviously doesn't cover. Not a cheap solution, obviously, but it can work very well.

I've never heard of this before, it sounds magic tbh 😂 get the school to do all the drudgery then spend 2 hours of downtime with the kids in the evening! DH can cook dinner for you as he's first back

at 6&10 I would want a nanny or au pair, it's too long a day. From 11 and up I would consider it a viable option and better than home alone, which many children do. In all seriousness I would also consider weekly boarding from 13

I totally agree. I've already said that I worry about you OP.

This is not something I would do at those ages. 6 especially is very young to be out of the house and without parents for 13 hrs a day. 10 may be ok depending on personality, but it's not something I would choose for my children.

I work in a field where I could earn lots of money if I pursued it seriously and put in the hours, but this is not something I could prioritise while I have small(ish) children. To me time is worth more than money. - time for family and for balance. I understand this is my personal choice and priority, but it sounds like you and your DH don't have time for anything else than work, including your young children.

I feel like the general consensus is that this is acceptable in our society now and to say otherwise is shaming

But my feeling is that you're not great parents doing this to your kids, that's my point of view

I do not understand people who are happy being apart from their children to this degree, I would be making big changes were it me.

How do you know OP is happy about it?
How do you know her circumstances and whether she's able to make changes?

And yes, it is shaming (and bloody rude) to come and tell someone they're not a great parent because they're having to consider putting their children into childcare for long hours.

If you're able to change your job to fit around the school day, then you're incredibly fortunate. Millions of parents don't have a choice.

Given that day boarding can only be done at a private school, they are evidently not on the breadline and choosing to put their careers over their children

If OP wasn't happy with it, changes would be made to ensure she wasn't away from her kids and lumping the responsibility of their care onto somebody else. As parents a certain level of sacrifice is required be it cutting hours, changing job or whatever else. The majority don't pop them out and dump them in 13h childcare to advance their careers. A kid is for life not just bedtimes and weekends

I'm another who wonders why you bothered to have children when you are barely present in their lives. Your poor kids never get to see you or eat a family meal with you in the week.

My dad was raised by his aunt and grandmother as both his parents were at work long hours during his childhood. He had barely any relationship with them his entire life.

Unfortunately life isn't always that straightforward. People have to work, and tey don't always have the luxury of cutting their hours or changing their jobs, or moving home or changing schools.

Maybe OP has no choice. You don't know her circumstances or why she's suddenly having to consider day boarding for her children. She hasn't just "popped them out and dumped them in childcare" (what an utterly unpleasant phrase).

They're six and ten - so clearly something has changed recently which means she needs to find an alternative to whatever her current arrangements are.

Of course she has a choice it's a bloody boarding school! She must be paying them a fortune, if money is tight, move them to a state school (which will save thousands) and get a lower paid job!

They are your children so there is no point asking a group of strangers if you are a good parent or not - you are the only parents they have and you make the best choices you can.

That said, why are you both such slaves to your jobs that you are considering restructuring your family to the point where during the week all you are is just overnight accommodation to your children. They will be living at school and just sleeping at home during the week. No one has to work so many hours for a job that would replace them in a heartbeat. Why are you giving so much of yourself to a job to the detriment of your family life? I felt very sorry for you when I read your post.

She hasn't mentioned any recent hour changes so on the face of things, she's been doing those hours since her kids were much younger, I highly doubt she's brought them to work with her so yes, it does look like they've been dumped long term into childcare, perhaps family can't help any longer, the nanny quit etc etc. I feel sorry for the kids

Well, you could at least read the full thread before you leap on and criticise her - they don't even attend the school yet.

I'm sure they don't need your pity

No they need parents that actually want to parent them

Using childcare doesn't somehow stop you being able to parent your kids. Just as being present doesn't mean you do parent your kids.

Honestly, the rudeness and arrogance of these replies is appalling.

I cannot think of many circumstances in which both parents, who are affording to put their children in a school that offers day boaring (normally = private and expensive) HAVE TO work such long hours. They may choose to in order to further their careers, but in most circumstances a choice to prioritise so much time at work.

If you’re still here after all the judgement I just thought I would tell you what I do in case it helps. I try as much a possible to stick to normal working hours - then at 8:30 when the kids are all asleep I do another couple of hours work to make it up.

I need to work about 12-13hrs a day to get everything done. It’s not ideal but that’s life and we have to work around our circumstances. It doesn’t matter to anyone if I am doing these extra hours in the office or at home so it allows me some life balance.

perhaps you can mix it up with a few days of day boarding and a few days of later evening working.

How much parenting is being done when the kids are either not with them or asleep? People bash weekend Disney dads for not stepping up to the mark properly, but when both parents are working it doesn't matter a jot that they don't appear to bother at all??

I don't even know where to start with this offensive nonsense.

Having to work full-time doesn't make someone any less of a parent and it certainly doesn't mean she doesn't bother with her kids. It's not even remotely comparable to a Disney dad either.

We're not talking about a single parent being left to do everything while the other sits on their arse and doesn't bother. We're talking about two parents who work long hours and who are trying to juggle childcare on top of it. Hardly the same thing

Maybe so, but until OP comes back and explains, maybe it's best for people to refrain from making nasty comments about how shit of a parent she is.

Just a thought 🤷‍♀️