To send kids to day boarding?

[Wantoncookie]

I work a very high pressured job in the city (often 7am-8/9pm) OH is similar albeit he finishes at 6pm usually. I’ve shopped around and noticed there are a few schools that offer day boarding rather than over night boarding and really feel this would work for our family. DM is saying I’m a bad parent and this is not the answer etc aibu to be considering this 🫤

Sorry but....
This!

I do a similar sounding role and weekly boarding works very well for dd.

Could you do weekly boarding?

Lone parent here. Demanding job and have to travel.

Private school extended days are great, they get their homework etc done, do clubs etc. I board DD14 two nights a week occasionally more if I'm in the US. 6 is too young for boarding though, extended days are fine.

Find a school that works for your kids and you.

Your DM says that you're a bad parent for considering this. Well maybe. I suppose it depends on your DC's age and personality and whether they are introverts or extroverts.

Some posters on here are telling you that they or their DC did this and thrived so yours might. My DC needed downtime at the end of the day and often didn't want to do after school activities, they just wanted to relax and potter about. I'm the same.

Worst weeks of my life were on work Manager's Meetings and Conferences where, all week, not only did I have to spend the day with my colleagues, I had to make conversation over breakfast and dinner as well. It was exhausting and I couldn't wait to escape. This would be your DC's life every day, every week.

Another concern would be during those times when things go wrong at school, maybe friendship issues or problems with a subject or teacher. Downtime after school is when you can calmly talk about these things. Or at least escape the situation. Your DC would still be in that environment.

I'm with your mum. Would a nanny be an option to pick up after school and bring your DC to his/her own home and be around until one of you gets home?

Sounds workable. Why not try it and see. I think a nanny is a better option though if possible.

We didn’t do this. We were lucky that despite working in senior FT roles, we could juggle things so one of us collected the kids every day. It was damn stressful at times though.

Your kids are yours for a lifetime. They don’t stop being your children when they leave school. And bonding and quality time don’t just happen on a school night. All the smug sanctimonious ‘why bother having children’ brigade are making my eyes roll so much.

‘Worst weeks of my life were on work Manager's Meetings and Conferences where, all week, not only did I have to spend the day with my colleagues, I had to make conversation over breakfast and dinner as well. It was exhausting and I couldn't wait to escape. This would be your DC's life every day, every week.’

We didn’t do day boarding but my kids would have loved hanging out with their chosen friends at breakfast and dinner. They would have had a great time chatting and laughing with their peers. I can’t believe you are equating that to having to make small talk with random colleagues at a conference!

ys I really don’t know how this will work. the recommended sleep for 6-13 year olds is 9-12 hours. So at 6 they would likely need at least 10-11 hours as a bare minimum. So if you were to get the child up dressed and to school by 7 even with the shortest of commutes they would by up at 6 at the very latest,probably earlier. Work that back that means a bed time between 7 and 8. So literally being picked up and going to bed as soon as they walk in the door. The 10 year old might have an hour at best.

it doesn’t sound like they would see their mum at all as she’s in the office 7am to 8pm and they would barely see their dad. I’m at a loss why they had kids! They’re not optional weekend accessories. One or both of their jobs need to give.

I know the “careers’ are more important than anything else” mantra is popular on here, but kids come before everything. This is massively different to some hour before snd hours after school wrap around situation or the occasional long day. This is a sleep at home, every waking hour in the week at school situation. There’s a reason most boarding schools don’t take 6 year olds. IMO this is worse.

Your kids are yours for a lifetime. They don’t stop being your children when they leave school.

True but their need for you will change drastically over their lifetime. With the hours OP is working she must barely see them during the week. As a uni student or working adult I was happy not seeing my parents for a few weeks at a time and keeping in touch over the phone. This would not have worked for me as a child of 6 or 10 - the age of OP’s kids. You’re basically saying don’t worry about working long hours when your kids are little, you can catch up when they leave school! Parenting doesn’t work like that. Most people would say the exact opposite. Make time for them when they are little because they grow up fast.

OP says her youngest is six so too young to weekly board - the vast, vast majority of schools won't take them overnight until eight.

This! It may sound harsh, but I don't understand why people have children to then barely see them during the week or in some cases for weeks on end. For some reason if you're wealthy it's acceptable to spend little time with your children and allow people who don't love them to care for them, but if you're poor it's neglect. As another commenter said, if you're on the breadline and it must be done to keep a roof over your head is one thing, but doing it out of choice for a career and a large salary is another.

Also this does seem different to wraparound care. I was wraparound care 8 - 5 daily as a child as my mother was single parent who had no choice, but 7 - 7 is too much for primary aged children.

Mumsnet is baffling sometimes.

If there’s a thread asking whether someone should be a sahm v a wohm there’ll be 100s of posters bashing sahms and calling them parasites.

And now on a thread like this asking whether day boarding is a good idea or not, there are 100s of posters saying “why bother having dc if you don’t ever see them?”.

With a nanny they will be home and had a bath, dinner, clubs etc by the time you get home

The 6 year old might find this easier to deal with

I'd say in France these hours arent that unusual. My kids leave at 7 home at 7. I do have to feed them but homework is done.

In primary it was more like 8 to 6.30 and they were fed.

In France where many state schools are closed Wednesday afternoons so dc can do sport and creative activities?

I have no experience of this personally but it does sound like a good option for older children. I'd say 6 is still a bit young though. I have a child the same age and she would be exhausted and unhappy.

A nanny might be a better option for now and revisit the idea in a couple of years?

It will totally depend on your children's personalities though. If they are sporty and sociable they will probably love having extra time with friends and being busy. Mine are quite introverted and need time at home to decompress at home after school.

There’s a lot in between SAHM and working 13-14 hour days all week. Most of the mums I know work but even those who are full time don’t do hours like this.

@Shearing I wouldn't want to spend a full week full time with friends or family either! I like time away from all but DH and DC.

Hence my comment about it depending on the DC in question.

Your DC would love talking to their friends at breakfast, mine would hate it. We don't know what the OP's children would feel about it.

@Stirredandconfused678 that doesn't mean parents have a half day on Wednesday though does it! So the kids still go somewhere.

In France where many state schools are closed Wednesday afternoons so dc can do sport and creative activities?

Just because school is closed doesn't mean children are at home

I would be looking at your work life balance rather than extended child care.

No one should regularly work 13 hour days. That is no life.

No matter how important your job is, it should not completely take over your life.

If you have to work so many hours then it is clear that you have too much to do and your employer should recognise that and recruit more staff.

No one ever dies thinking ' I wish I had gone to work more'.

10 year old completely fine, I would have loved to have got the extra time with my mates at that age. 6 year old is probably personality dependant, my oldest is never tired (and he’s 4!) and would be fine with it but I get that others wouldn’t. I’d probably try work it so I could pick up early on a Friday say and do something special as a treat and catch up on the weeks activities but I get that isn’t always possible

what have you been doing up till now? What’s the alternative?

In fairness, there is a huge range of options between being a SAHP and having your children day-boarding for 12 hours a day.

And I say that as someone who day-boarded for a few years and has a great time.

I taught in France ( Secondary) so 11-18/19. Mixed day and weekly boarders ( home at weekend ) and a very few FT boarders.

They work their children very hard. Very demanding curriculum. Often doing more hours than their parents (cf European Working Time Directive). Day pupils often getting bus at 6.30-7am, not getting home till 6.30-7pm at the outlying villages, then eating, homework etc. With lessons 8 -12 and 2-5 or even 6pm. Plus homework. ( Though Wed afternoon off.)
Bac at 18 v v demanding because of the wide range of compulsory subjects eg. Boarders were often up at 5.30am to do more study at exam time, before lessons began.

I was amazed - would I recommend it? They certainly get an excellent intellectual education including politics, philosophy, modern languages etc which are often ignored in UK. But - 'crises de nerfs' were not infrequent. particularly among boarders. Stress levels huge.

It is an awfully long day for such young children, especially the 6 year old. I would have a nanny or au pair instead.

How much time do you actually get to spend with your children?

I would be looking at your work life balance rather than extended child care. No one should regularly work 13 hour days. That is no life.

And I agree with this ^^