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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad that my kids have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend

287 replies

MagicFarawayTea · 30/06/2023 16:43

I don’t feel like I can discuss this with anyone so asking MN for perspective.
Neither of my older kids has ever been in a relationship/had a girlfriend/boyfriend/brought anyone home. ( Youngest is 11 so not really an issue). Son is nearly 22, just come back home to live from university. Daughter is 19, on year out before starting uni. They have friends, are both tall, quite attractive. I can’t help comparing them to myself- I dated during 6th form and had a serious boyfriend for 2 years at university. I listen to friends whose kids have a boyfriend/girlfriend; they go out together, take them on holiday etc and feel like I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I have no prom photos to post on Facebook. I know it’s their life and choices, not mine, and they are seemingly content. I just feel sad. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

OP posts:
pinksheetss · 30/06/2023 16:45

YABU

Oldest is 22 and you are sad they haven't had a relationship?? They are still SO young and plenty young people don't get into relationships for a while

eccentricviolin · 30/06/2023 16:47

It’s unusual for your eldest tbh but maybe he’s quite happy as he is for now. For the youngest it’s normal I’d say

Childhoodnostalgia · 30/06/2023 16:47

Yeah you are being very unreasonable! As long as they’re happy and content what is the issue? I’m sure relationships will come sometime in the future but for now it sounds like they have busy, happy lives.

Thelastofbus · 30/06/2023 16:48

They are all still young! personally
i feel sad for my younger relatives who have spent all of their youth in serious relationships! Saturday nights snuggled up
On the sofa at age 20, when their peers are all out having adventures!

Highlyflavouredgravy · 30/06/2023 16:48

They haven't had relationships THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT!

Nordicrain · 30/06/2023 16:49

They are super young. I would be pretty confident they had done stuff at uni at that age and just not wanted to tell you.

Comedycook · 30/06/2023 16:49

Maybe they have but haven't mentioned it to you?

Otherwise, are they happy, confident, sociable?

SingaporeSlinky · 30/06/2023 16:50

Surely “I have no prom photos to post on Facebook” is more about you, than your kids? And couldn’t they go with other single friends to prom, if they’d wanted to? It’s not just for couples.

Outdamnspot23 · 30/06/2023 16:51

Well, you don't know they've never had a girlfriend or boyfriend, I certainly didn't give my mum a running commentary on my love life when I was at uni.

But also people just meet people who suit them at different stages. While some of my friends were dating from year 7 on, I never had a boyfriend until I was 18, lots of my friends not until lots later. What I will say is that those who didn't date/much until later often settled down with the first serious relationship. Casual teenage dating isn't for everyone, some people just don't see the point until they suddenly do when they meet someone and fall in love. Could list several mates who decided they wanted a relationship aged 22/25/30/40, met someone and that was it.

Don't be jealous of your friends' kids, in the long run dating as a teenager isn't a measure of success and doesn't mean your young kids will be alone forever!

JanesBlond · 30/06/2023 16:51

Highlyflavouredgravy · 30/06/2023 16:48

They haven't had relationships THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT!

This… I’m not sure your DS would have been telling you all about tinder exploits etc!

Mouselemur · 30/06/2023 16:51

How do you know? Maybe they just have casual relationships and keep it to themselves. Why do they have to have a partner to be photographed with? Besides would they be happy having photos of them plastered over your social media?

Dotandtime · 30/06/2023 16:52

I was concerned DS1 didn't seem to be forming relationships as he entered his 20s. Then he got involved in a completely all consuming controlling relationship, be careful what you wish for....

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 30/06/2023 16:53

They are literally teenagers and young adults. It's not a big deal.

vodkaredbullgirl · 30/06/2023 16:53

Plenty of time to date.

standardduck · 30/06/2023 16:53

Are you sure?

They might not have had any serious bf / gf that you know about, but they might be keeping dating private.

Especially at university. I dated casually at Uni and wouldn't tell my parents about it as it was not serious. I didn't bring anyone home until I was in my late twenties (my now DH).

BlameItOnTheGoose · 30/06/2023 16:53

Kids who are 22 year old now will have spent much of university years under the restrictions/cloud of covid sadly. Pubs and bars and sports clubs were closed. Some of them never went to lectures or tutorials in-person. It was really disappointing and isolating for so many of them. I don't know what your DS's experience was, but I've seen in other kids his age that their social development and relationships were really hampered by it. That might explains it to some extent!

As for your other kids... way too early to worry...

GalileoHumpkins · 30/06/2023 16:53

They have literally years to have relationships, having a boyfriend or girlfriend isn't the be-all and end-all of existence. Lamenting about having no prom pictures to put on FB is pathetic.

Desdemonadryeyes · 30/06/2023 16:54

Yanbu. It’s unusual.

Goingthere · 30/06/2023 16:54

Bizarre that you have somehow made their relationship status about you.

It's very possible they have had relationships you aren't aware of. And even if that isn't the case, they are still young. Relationships may not be a priority for them right now.

Newusernameforthiss · 30/06/2023 16:54

OMG YABU

I didn't have a boyfriend til my the end of uni and he was a disaster. Happily single for most of my 20s (ok I was miserable after a horrible breakup at the end)

They are teenagers, having friends is waaaaaaay more important. I know it's hard but try not to compare them to you, they're their own people!

My husband never had a gf before he met me (in his 30s) and he's a lovely, kind, rounded man.

Honestly they know they haven't had a bf, the last thing they need is their mum being totally cringe and feeling sorry for them!

Iris1976 · 30/06/2023 16:54

My daughter only now has her very first boyfriend at 17.5 but it never bothered her not having one,she has her own social life,sixth form,works and volunteers,not a great deal of time for anything serious,like others have said,I bet they've been with people you just don't know about and even if they haven't that's ok,my first relationship at 16 was so bad I didn't have another til my 30's

MushMonster · 30/06/2023 16:55

I do not see the problem there.
They are still very young.
I think it is better to wait till you are ready to take a relationship seriously, rather than the drama snd heartache some teens have with their girlfriends abd boyfriends.

Yabbadabbadotime · 30/06/2023 16:56

They've probably had relaxed/short term romantic encounters you aren't aware of. My parents never met most of the guys i dated at uni! I had a brief relationship in sixth form, my two siblings snogged a few frogs on nights out etc but didn't have proper boy or girlfriends until 20 & 21 respectively.

TheCheeseTray · 30/06/2023 16:56

My daughters prom photos are her and a big group of friends that all went together. I love them - not with some boyfriend or girlfriend that she wouldn’t know in 5 years time.

love them encourage their friends

FOJN · 30/06/2023 16:56

I have no prom photos to post on Facebook.

Really? Poor you.