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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sad that my kids have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend

287 replies

MagicFarawayTea · 30/06/2023 16:43

I don’t feel like I can discuss this with anyone so asking MN for perspective.
Neither of my older kids has ever been in a relationship/had a girlfriend/boyfriend/brought anyone home. ( Youngest is 11 so not really an issue). Son is nearly 22, just come back home to live from university. Daughter is 19, on year out before starting uni. They have friends, are both tall, quite attractive. I can’t help comparing them to myself- I dated during 6th form and had a serious boyfriend for 2 years at university. I listen to friends whose kids have a boyfriend/girlfriend; they go out together, take them on holiday etc and feel like I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I have no prom photos to post on Facebook. I know it’s their life and choices, not mine, and they are seemingly content. I just feel sad. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 30/06/2023 18:21

I've got really attractive sons, one conventionally so, one a bit more about personality- both are lovely, one is both lovely and good looking, the other is lovely and a character.

Neither have dated. One doesn't intend to, the other is career focused.

It worries me when the second finally starts looking, he'll be seen as a bit odd for being inexperienced.

strawberrywhisk · 30/06/2023 18:22

I ended up in relationships as a ya because I was conditioned to think I was a failure if single, my sons are happy to be single and I support how they choose to live their lives

Usernamen · 30/06/2023 18:23

pickledandpuzzled · 30/06/2023 18:21

I've got really attractive sons, one conventionally so, one a bit more about personality- both are lovely, one is both lovely and good looking, the other is lovely and a character.

Neither have dated. One doesn't intend to, the other is career focused.

It worries me when the second finally starts looking, he'll be seen as a bit odd for being inexperienced.

I don’t know how old your sons are, but when I was dating in my 20s, lack of experience was very off-putting.

Peony654 · 30/06/2023 18:23

YABU. They may have had casual things / dates but just not brought them home. They’re so young! When I had my prom we only ever went in friend groups, not with dates

Lokipokey1 · 30/06/2023 18:23

God you would be worried to death about me! I am 37, never had a relationship and still a virgin. I used to worry when I was in my 20s about being alone, but never really wanted a relationship. Quite happy living my life single and having groups of friends that I socialise with.

Riapia · 30/06/2023 18:25

I’d had half a dozen serious relationships by the time I was 20.
My DM didn’t seem at all surprised when each of them ended. She couldn’t have realised just how serious we were.
😉😁😁😁

Cloudburstings · 30/06/2023 18:27

I think what you’re actually saying is they haven’t had romantic relationships they’ve told you about / felt serious enough to tell you about.

the proms aren’t about this. Both down to circumstance.

Though I went to an all girls school where the related all boys school enabled them to invite girlfriends/ dates to their leavers ceremony. It was a massive deal whether you went or not and set up a ‘need a male to see and validate you’ dynamic at 16/17/18. awful, I had hoped schools didn’t do this any more.

what have they learned about relationships from you @MagicFarawayTea ?

what’s your love life like? What have you told them about how to navigate relationships?

at their age my parents were in an unhappy and failing marriage.

they didn’t talk to me about relationships at all. Just talked to be about theirs negatively.

so I spent my university years and early 20s single, pining for emotionally unavailable men like my father.

looking back the rare chances I had I made huge mistakes which is maybe what early 20 somethings do, but was made worse by a complete void of good guidance. I learned from romcoms and it took me ages to work out it really doesn’t work the way it does when you have a script writer.

didn’t change or improve until I went to therapy.

in contrast my very work orientated parents talked a lot about how to achieve academic and work success.

so by 25 I had straight As, a first and one relationship which fell apart and nearly destroyed me.

ive thought a lot about this and am seeking to give my own children similar (age appropriate) pep talks and positive stories on how to build successful romantic relationships just as I do about school work, friendships, money management, working world.

when they are teens and up i will make clear lll respect their choices on privacy but will be there to support and advise them on love and sex without judgement anytime they need me.

sonicmum2002 · 30/06/2023 18:27

I think it's more common with this generation to start dating and relationships later than we did. I found a lot of pressure in my teens to be in a relationship, like there was something wrong with you if you didn't date (thanks, J17!), so this is healthier.

strawberrywhisk · 30/06/2023 18:28

Lokipokey1 · 30/06/2023 18:23

God you would be worried to death about me! I am 37, never had a relationship and still a virgin. I used to worry when I was in my 20s about being alone, but never really wanted a relationship. Quite happy living my life single and having groups of friends that I socialise with.

Apart from having no regrets of having my sons, in hindsight I wish I'd have been as brave as to be like you.

Hbh17 · 30/06/2023 18:28
  1. They are very young and 2) they're happy! I'm so shocked to read the OP..... why do you want to push them into this? There's so much more to life than just having a partner. If they have a mix of good friends, then they're doing fine. And it's very shallow to think that anyone else would care about prom photos. Just let your kids enjoy their fabulous lives!
JusthereforXmas · 30/06/2023 18:32

They likely do and just dont tell you.

My mam didn't know about my boyfriend until I was 6 months pregnant.

I never get people who have weird co-dependent relationships with their parents and have to talk about private matters like that. I mean lets face it even if your attempting to keep it polite if your not a young teen then your relationship is most likely sexual and thats obvious, not something that needs discussing with your mam.

As for prom whats that got to do with anything, schools had a strict no dating at prom rule when I was in school.

porridgeisbae · 30/06/2023 18:34

There's another thread at the mo @MagicFarawayTea with someone, potentially understandably, worried that her DS is planning to get 'engaged' at 18, so all mums worry about something either way I guess.

I had some awful relationships, even into my 40s. (I'm not saying everyone needs to wait till 50 or something lol.)

In theory the older they are into their 20s when they have an 'official' relationship, the better their judgement might be maybe.

Dunnoburt · 30/06/2023 18:36

Not that you know of......I was so shy when younger and NEVER mentioned boyfriends.....xx

PumpkinPie2016 · 30/06/2023 18:36

Honestly, I wouldn't worry. They are still very young. If they have friends and have gone/are going to uni, they seem sociable enough. They will meet someone as/when they are ready.

I'm 36 now. When at 6th form, I had a sort of boyfriend in the second year. Nothing serious at all and ended it just before I sat my A-levels. In honesty, I just couldn't be bothered! I had my friends and sights set on uni.

When I went to uni, I had a good time, plenty of friends of both sexes but never entered into a serious relationship. It just didn't bother me. Had a brief relationship in my first year but otherwise, I didn't.

Once I graduated, I met my now DH and married him when I was 25, so still fairly young. Now been married 11 years and have a son.

I'm sure your dc will find partners, should they wish, when the time is right.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/06/2023 18:36

Sometimes your situation is better than seeing them jump in and out of relationships, get hurt etc. Remember if they meet the right person having one boyfriend/ girlfriend is all they need. My friend never had a relationship when we were all at college and the few years afterwards. The rest of us had our ups and downs with different people. Then she met a guy who later became her dh ..they had 4 children and really its difficult to imagine a better suited couple.
It's fine..never give them the idea you think there is something wrong with them. We all love to see our dc happy but their idea of happiness is different than ours.

SimonsCow · 30/06/2023 18:37

I know I didn’t really gather confidence or lose weight until I was 30. If I had met and stayed with someone when I was 20 it would have been the kind of man who was into what I was back then. I doubt we’d be compatible now. Let your kids find themselves and play the field a bit.

Startyabastard · 30/06/2023 18:38

Are they generally happy people with a well rounded life?
Are they happy with the fact that they haven't had any relationships before?
Do they have friends?

35965a · 30/06/2023 18:39

YABVU. They’re still really young and their relationships or lack thereof have nothing to do with you. Better to be single than caught in bad relationships. There’s probably a lot they have not or won’t tell you as well.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 30/06/2023 18:39

@MagicFarawayTea I thought you were gonna say they're 30 and 33. Shock (Though it's still OK to be single/never dated then actually. Not the 'norm' but nowt wrong with it.)

They are 22 and 19! 😂

Being in a couple is great - if it's a good relationship obvs, but being single is OK too.

willWillSmithsmith · 30/06/2023 18:40

It’s more common than you think. Lots of my son’s friends (around 20-21yrs old) have not had girlfriends (my son does have a steady gf though). A number of my friends with young adult children have not had relationships either.

I’d understand your concern though if you don’t want them to miss out or have trouble getting a gf/bf but your reason being because you can’t post on FB is absurd.

NoTouch · 30/06/2023 18:41

We used to think my dbro never had a gf right into his mid 30s. Until he introduced us to his "first" gf (now SIL) who spilled the beans and it turns out there were quite a few notches on his bedpost!

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 30/06/2023 18:42

@willWillSmithsmith Agree. My 2 DC are in their late 20s, and are both coupled up - since 19-20 y.o. Same partner. But at LEAST 4 or 5 mates from uni (now 29-30 y.o.) are still single/never dated, and a couple still live with their folks. Why do people pour such scorn on someone that doesn't fit the usual narrative?! Hmm

UndercoverCop · 30/06/2023 18:43

I had a number of boyfriends at that age that my parents never met or heard about plus more casual situations. They probably think I had two boyfriends prior to DH, they are very very wrong.

Pottedpalm · 30/06/2023 18:44

Gosh, don’t worry! DS didnt have a gf until after uni, and they were only quite casual relationships. He is a lovely chap, kind, generous, funny, great job and a London property, and good looking too.
Then he met a lovely young woman when he was into his 30s ( first one he brought home), was engaged and married within two years. 🙂

CoralBells · 30/06/2023 18:46

I started dating at age 15, but until I met my lovely late dh at 28, the standard of boyfriends I had were extremely low, (personality wise.) I'd probably have been far better remaining single til 28!