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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad that my kids have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend

287 replies

MagicFarawayTea · 30/06/2023 16:43

I don’t feel like I can discuss this with anyone so asking MN for perspective.
Neither of my older kids has ever been in a relationship/had a girlfriend/boyfriend/brought anyone home. ( Youngest is 11 so not really an issue). Son is nearly 22, just come back home to live from university. Daughter is 19, on year out before starting uni. They have friends, are both tall, quite attractive. I can’t help comparing them to myself- I dated during 6th form and had a serious boyfriend for 2 years at university. I listen to friends whose kids have a boyfriend/girlfriend; they go out together, take them on holiday etc and feel like I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I have no prom photos to post on Facebook. I know it’s their life and choices, not mine, and they are seemingly content. I just feel sad. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 30/06/2023 16:57

Personally I am glad that my 22 year old DS is not in a serious relationship... he is enjoying life, wide circle of friends, lots of hobbies and interests. In fact 'settling down' with a partner sounds very dull.

I have a prom picture of him with me before he left for the evening Grin ... obviously I don't post on FB !

Thedogscollar · 30/06/2023 16:57

When I read this I honestly thought it was going to be adult children in their thirties or forties you were talking about.
Then I saw the FB lack of Prom photos comment.
Surely you know YABVU.

Tooyoungtofeelthisold · 30/06/2023 16:57

Have you considered that maybe they javent had relationships early because they are confident and assured in themselves and don't want or need the outside distractions that a relationship will bring?

As someone who grew up in an abusive household, I had very little self worth, so looked for it in always wanting to find boyfriends. Thus I've been in relationship after relationship since I was about 11 years of age. That isn't healthy.

I've instilled in DD that she should focus on herself, finding out who she is, enjoying life whilst not being beholden to someone else or making her decisions based on another person because its something I very much regret that I didn't get to do.

Maybe your older offspring are enjoying their lives and will settle into relationships when they are ready to do so.

readbooksdrinktea · 30/06/2023 16:58

My mum thought I didn't have relationships at that age. She was wrong. I just kept it private. YABU anyway.

ChristmasJumpers · 30/06/2023 16:58

I don't want to say YABU because you're only concerned about them but they'll be fine!
I had my first bf at near enough 18 after school and college were finished. He was a shit and I'd have been better off with no boyfriend at all until I met my 2nd bf at 21. He's my DH now and I'd be much happier without the sour memories of my first 'love'.

NoSquirrels · 30/06/2023 16:59

Highlyflavouredgravy · 30/06/2023 16:48

They haven't had relationships THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT!

Haha - exactly.

I imagine they just haven’t been in ‘serious’ meet-the-parents type relationships. I reckon that’s normal enough.

ToxicBiennial · 30/06/2023 16:59

Plenty don’t until they are around 23-25 post Uni and starting work. Nothing to worry about.

readbooksdrinktea · 30/06/2023 17:01

I have no prom photos to post on Facebook.

I can't believe you actually typed this. Wtf.

Newgirls · 30/06/2023 17:01

I genuinely think it’s because they are less bored than we were! I had boyfriends that age as there was nothing else to do and I had such low ambitions for myself. Some of my mates kids have boyfriends / girlfriends now and it can take them away from friends, interests and studies so not always a good thing. I’m not sure todays kids see the traditional male/female couples as something to aspire to. Maybe we don’t make it look that appealing!

AlienAbduction · 30/06/2023 17:01

I bet they have had relationships, but reading your post, I can understand why they wouldn’t tell you. So fucking weird.

redpickle · 30/06/2023 17:03

Is it important to you to be able to post photos on Facebook of them with a date? Maybe this is why they haven't told you about relationships they've had.

Tinkerbyebye · 30/06/2023 17:03

They have probably had relationships, you are simply unaware as they have not brought anyone home to meet you

I assume they did attend respective proms? So I don’t see why you don’t have photos or are you saying it’s because they went on their own, and as that doesn’t meet your requirements you haven’t shared any photo?

its their life, has nothing to do with you and you have no reason to feel sad

its not about you, if they are happy that’s all that matters.

EllaRaines · 30/06/2023 17:03

I thought they were going to be late thirties!

I was 19 before I had a boyfriend.

It signs like they are concentrating on their studies and friendships.

ReadtheReviews · 30/06/2023 17:05

I absolutely wasted my 20s on relationships, following them around rather than being the agent of my own life. I'd be so pleased if my two focused on themselves and found love incidentally rather than making it a priority.

Damnyouautocorrect1 · 30/06/2023 17:06

I am sure they’ve had flirtations and dates and everulyhing else. Kids don’t want parents involved in their love life

ApolloandDaphne · 30/06/2023 17:06

My DD didn't have her first boyfriend (that we were aware of) until she was nearly 23. Her best friend is taking a lad home to meet the parents for the first time at age 25. Both are gorgeous girls, they just spent their uni years having fun and having a steady boyfriend was not on the agenda then.

mondaytosunday · 30/06/2023 17:06

Um.
My daughter is 18 just finished school and none of her friendship group have had boyfriends. Prom (at 16) there was only one couple it was just go with your mates in a big group. Loads of photos of them all looking beautiful. Time enough for boyfriends - I'm happy she didn't have the distraction from her A levels!!
My son (19) did have two serious relationships from age 15 but has sworn off girls for the time being, and I think almost regrets them - first one was very painful from both sides at the end.
They will find their partners when they are ready. If they are happy why worry about it?

NoSquirrels · 30/06/2023 17:06

Anyway, OP, no one is ever unreasonable to have feelings, even if they’re not comfortable easily-expressed ones, but you might want to consider why you feel this way.

Is it concern for them? (They’ll be fine, honestly.)

Or is it because you had a picture of how things would be as they grew into adults and that’s not what’s happening? Is it because you want the closeness still of them being tied to family (meeting the parents, settling into stable relationships that might lead to extra family members etc)?

The feelings are a symptom of an unmet need in you. You can’t expect the young adult kids to do anything about that, but figuring out what you feel is missing gives you a chance to put something in place in your own life to fill whatever hole is there.

Livindavivaloca · 30/06/2023 17:08

YABU…you can have prom photos without SO.

The only SO I’ve ever introduced my family to is the one I’m now married to…I was just private about my personal life. Maybe they are too.

Original poster
MagicFarawayTea · 30/06/2023 17:09

I know the Facebook thing is about me; I would have just liked to be a proud mum sending them off to prom. Son didn’t get to go because his ( boys’ school) didn’t have one. They had to get an invite from the girls to attend their prom. My daughter didn’t get one due to COVID.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 30/06/2023 17:09

I think you're being a bit ridiculous. They are at or about to go to university. No one should have a serious relationship before finishing university. The whole point of university is that it broadens your horizons and takes you away from settling down too early and getting into a rut in your home town.

I wouldn't be thrilled if my DD had a serious relationship before university -- at that age relationships just drag you down and limit you, particularly girls. No upside to it really so be grateful.

And in any case as PPs have pointed out, in all likelihood they have had relationships they've just chosen not to share with you. And tbh I can understand why. Hopefully you haven't been badgering them about this?

phoenixrosehere · 30/06/2023 17:10

YABU

What is it with parents wanting to rush their adult children into relationships?

I had two boyfriends in my life. 1 at 19 and the next at 23 who is now my DH together for 13 years, soon to be married for 11. My father only knew of DH and was asking me when I was going to settle down at 21. Until DH, he thought I was possibly gay. My mom questioned me when I was in secondary and I just shrugged because I wasn’t interest in boys at the time. I honestly thought most were too immature and I didn’t want anything or anyone holding me back from going to uni (planned to be 4+ hours away).

I didn’t believe in bringing around people I wasn’t serious about nor was going to be in a relationship just to say I was or appease anyone.

The time between my first boyfriend and DH, I enjoyed being single and learning about myself after being in school for most of my life.

There is no rush and there shouldn’t be for them to be in relationships.

Sweetsweetlike1 · 30/06/2023 17:10

MagicFarawayTea · 30/06/2023 16:43

I don’t feel like I can discuss this with anyone so asking MN for perspective.
Neither of my older kids has ever been in a relationship/had a girlfriend/boyfriend/brought anyone home. ( Youngest is 11 so not really an issue). Son is nearly 22, just come back home to live from university. Daughter is 19, on year out before starting uni. They have friends, are both tall, quite attractive. I can’t help comparing them to myself- I dated during 6th form and had a serious boyfriend for 2 years at university. I listen to friends whose kids have a boyfriend/girlfriend; they go out together, take them on holiday etc and feel like I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I have no prom photos to post on Facebook. I know it’s their life and choices, not mine, and they are seemingly content. I just feel sad. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

To be able to focus on college/university without juvenile heartbreak or distraction....I can't see what's sad or bad about that. Ages 19 & 22 is still pretty young for you to feel they have missed out on anything. I think they sound pretty sensible, and you should be proud of them. They could have instead chosen teen pregnancies or lives of crime.

BringOnSummerHolidays · 30/06/2023 17:12

If they are social and happy, I'm sure they are just not telling you about it. They haven't been in serious relationships is what I think.

CountTo10 · 30/06/2023 17:13

pinksheetss · 30/06/2023 16:45

YABU

Oldest is 22 and you are sad they haven't had a relationship?? They are still SO young and plenty young people don't get into relationships for a while

Frankly I'd be relieved. Loads of young people shackle up early on and consequently miss out on opportunities and experiences because they end up compromising because of their partner which generally break up anyway.

My 23 year old has just had his first year long relationship and and my 19 year old has never had more and I'm more than happy.