Sad that my kids have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend

[MagicFarawayTea]

I don’t feel like I can discuss this with anyone so asking MN for perspective.
Neither of my older kids has ever been in a relationship/had a girlfriend/boyfriend/brought anyone home. ( Youngest is 11 so not really an issue). Son is nearly 22, just come back home to live from university. Daughter is 19, on year out before starting uni. They have friends, are both tall, quite attractive. I can’t help comparing them to myself- I dated during 6th form and had a serious boyfriend for 2 years at university. I listen to friends whose kids have a boyfriend/girlfriend; they go out together, take them on holiday etc and feel like I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I have no prom photos to post on Facebook. I know it’s their life and choices, not mine, and they are seemingly content. I just feel sad. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

Yes!!!!! 100%

Couldn't they have gone to prom themselves/with friends?

Them being a bit older is better than them starting with sex etc young. Maybe they're discerning and wait rather than get involved with wrong'uns like a lot of us.

My son is 18 and only a couple of his mates have had a gf. They’ve been more concerned with getting through their A levels and bloody football than anything else.
I know he chats to girls but not sure he’s taken it any further. Him and his mates just don’t seem they bothered yet.
This age group spent a big chunk of her should have been best years of their young lives locked indoors hones schooling wearing masks and being told to avoid human contact - maybe they’re playing catch up with normal life.

And my son said prom is as his idea of hell on earth - a boy after my own heart - and would rather do anything to avoid it

It's really not.

One of my DC had one relationship at 17, split up whilst they were at uni. Then nothing till they were 25, met someone at work, love together and are getting married this summer (5 years later)

Other DC, nothing at all. Until 18months ago met someone online, moved in together quite quickly, now engaged and getting married next year, when they will both be 30.

Similar to me and their dad tbh, we met at 24, married 2 years later, neither of us had previous serious relationships and are still married 38 years later.

If you're getting sucked into social media and making comparisons, please stop. Don't make the mistake of making your offsprings' lives all about you. It really isn't.

you haven't done anything wrong, and they aren't suffering by not having partners. Sounds like they're having a great life now and they have a great life ahead of them. Be thankful for that.

I have daughters aged 25 and 24 and neither have had a boyfriend/girlfriend.

I didn't have a proper boyf until I was 21, and even then it didn't last and I didn't have a long term relationship until 30. Honestly, I was quite sad about this - it wasn't because I didn't want a relationship, it's because no one I liked was interested, and no I didn't get a lot of offers. I was interested in boys from around 14 but just had no luck. It really can feel like everyone else has had plenty of opportunities by around 20, especially girls.

My parents never quizzed me or showed that they were unhappy or concerned about this, which I really appreciated.

I actually think it's OK to be wondering if your DC are happy with their circumstances - yes, lots of people are happily single, but plenty aren't. I was lonely throughout my twenties and would have loved a relationship. Met DH at 30 and 47 now, but I do remember what it feels like.

I didn't bring anyone home until 29 (shock horror!)

My parents had no idea about my life in thar respect. I wanted to enjoy my 20s. Dated plenty of men, had fun. Didn't meet the right person to properly settle down with until 29ish. Nothing wrong with tha.

I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 23
Dd is 21 and hasn’t had a boyfriend. She says that she simply hasn’t found anyone that she wants to have a relationship with
i am not concerned in the slightest

It's exactly thinking like yours @MagicFarawayTea that meant I NEVER discussed whom I was seeing with my mother, I'm afraid.

Maybe neither of them want the scrutiny. Maybe they want a private life? Maybe they feel suffocated by your expectations?

And YABU for focusing on your feeling of missing out on really trivial stuff like "prom photos.". Your DC have no obligation to provide you with the life experiences you think they are obligated to.

Quite honestly I think teen relationships just bring a load of angst with them and as long as your teen and young adult are not socially isolated and going out and having the usual fun then I wouldn't worry. My 19 year old DS's quite serious 2 year relationship has been both a blessing and a terrible burden to him and the resulting break-up was horrendous.

Believe me they will have had boyfriends and girlfriends or fleeting encounters . They just don’t want to tell you about it .

let them get on with it . They are young and carefree !

you are being hugely unreasonable
it's very likely they have had some sort of relationship that you don't know about but even if they haven't they are very young, and even if they never, ever do, that is completely fine and none of your business - and not a reason to be 'sad'

and what on earth does them being tall have to do with absolutely anything?
Do you not expect short people to have relationships or something
Why would not being in a serious relation mean you don't have prom photos (didn't they go anyway with their friends? Why can't you just post that/a photo of them dressed up on their own if you really have to, although I honestly can't fathom why on earth would a grown woman give the tiniest of shits about 'prom photos' anyway!) Surely them successfully achieving well academically, having friends, being happy, travelling and experiencing life are better for 'bragging rights' on facebook if that is something that is important to you than who they took to a glorified school disco?

I bet your DC have had multiple relationships, they just don't want you to know about them.

No, they might not have had boyfriends/girlfriends or fleeting relationships at all.

Seriously? This is so depressing.
Nobody needs someone to complete them, also we are not in the 1950's anymore.
I know a few who are thirties/forties and never had a relationship and all have very fulfilling lives.
You are being ridiculous. More so because of their ages. They are barely 0ut of childhood.

YABU. I have not taken any partner home to my parents and my sibling has only taken the person they are engaged to.
It probably is something that is in my family but you only bring home people that you would be living with or married to.
We always saw it as our business, not parents and do you really want random strangers in all your family pictures, probably not.

I honestly do not know how teenagers meet and have relationships these days. I’ve got one straight, one gay and neither of them have met nice people who you’d even want to be their best friend never mind fiddling with each other’s bits.

They have both met Absolutely toxic shocking terrible people that are 10 years older than them, want to take complete advantage of them, manipulative nasty people. The dating scene seems horrendous.

My youngest 32. No relationship that I know of. I'm sad as he seems lonely at times, but boys only school, Male dominated uni course. Interests very Male orientated. I'd just like him to have more than 1 close friend (who is married). Good 'catch' with job earning more than his Dad ever did (50k+), soft top sports car, own house. I think he's lovely, but then I'm biased! His older brother I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy..

I’d already had two relationships of a couple of years each by the time I was your eldest’s age and neither was good for me. I’d have been better off without the pair of them! I think those earlier relationships damaged me, nor was I mature enough for them and it took a long time to set myself right in later adulthood.

Fair play to you for acknowledging YABU.

When opening the thread, I assumed you were going to say they were in their 30s. You really are being ridiculous, given their ages, and as for the 'prom photos on Facebook'

OP’s son has just finished university and Covid restrictions ended what, 2 years ago? He’s had two full years at uni.

To respond to the OP, your post reminded me of a discussion I saw on TV where the presenter Angelica (forget her last name) admitted to losing her virginity in her early 30s and how she regretted waiting so long because, as she put it, “15 years of bad sex is better than 15 years of no sex”. It’s normal to want your children to experience an important part of life, which sex and relationships are.

The only reason I had to be in a relationship that young was because I needed support and love so badly I was willing to settle. Be happy that your kids are happy to be their own person unless they tell you they're struggling to form relationships.

@MagicFarawayTea I know I'm mad to feel the same way as you op, but I do. I asked the same question on here when my ds was 22 & received pretty much the same answers as you. Every year I'd think this will be the year, but at 25 still no sign of dating; that I know of anyway. My ds is a private person & won't feel comfortable having a relationship until he has his own place he says.
I've given up worrying now. He says he's happy with his life. He's just joined the armed forces so probably not the best time for a gf or bf now. As long as they're happy thats all you can ask I guess. A couple of his old school friends are engaged with babies at 25. I wouldn't want that for him either, seems like too much of a tie at 25.