Sad that my kids have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend

[MagicFarawayTea]

I don’t feel like I can discuss this with anyone so asking MN for perspective.
Neither of my older kids has ever been in a relationship/had a girlfriend/boyfriend/brought anyone home. ( Youngest is 11 so not really an issue). Son is nearly 22, just come back home to live from university. Daughter is 19, on year out before starting uni. They have friends, are both tall, quite attractive. I can’t help comparing them to myself- I dated during 6th form and had a serious boyfriend for 2 years at university. I listen to friends whose kids have a boyfriend/girlfriend; they go out together, take them on holiday etc and feel like I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I have no prom photos to post on Facebook. I know it’s their life and choices, not mine, and they are seemingly content. I just feel sad. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

My DC are 22 and 24, and I don't think either of them have had a partner, although I'm sure they wouldn't tell me now! I haven't asked as it's none of my business, but think I would have heard on the grapevine. Neither wanted to go to any proms either 😂I've obviously failed somewhere...

👏

Hopefully!

They don't have boyfriends/girlfriends that you know of you mean

yabu. My mother constantly hassled me from being about 18 to 24 asking when I would be getting a boyfriend to bring to family events etc. We no longer have a relationship. I'm now mid 30s married with 3 children. Give it time.

YABU. I wish I dated less and spent more time on myself and wish friends in during that period.

They are so so so much time.

I’ve never discussed it with them ( or anyone) and I’m definitely not thinking their lives are incomplete without a romantic partner! I’m not desperate to see them hitch their wagon to any dickhead with a pulse. I was just thinking in terms of a rite of passage kind of thing. Any way, I can see the majority of people think I’m crazy to be concerned so I’ll just park it. Thanks everyone 😊

What is it with parents wanting to rush their adult children into relationships?

depends if it 's a serious relationship, they are far too young.

If it just casual dating, flings, having fun and a few boyfriends and girlfriends, it would be sad to know the kids are missing out. Everyone should live a little or a lot before things get serious with someone.

Firstly, lots of younger men and women “see” people that they never discuss with or invite to meet their parents. There’s also every chance that they’ve also had more casual encounters that you’re unaware of (why would they tell you though?).
I’m 26 so I’m not speaking as someone that much older than your DS but younger people don’t tend to introduce their parents for a good while these days. It takes months of talking/sleeping together/dating before you’ll even be classed as in a relationship sometimes! I was seeing my now DH for 6 months before we went official and met each others parents.

Secondly, you don’t say if you’re married/divorced etc? Sometimes the upbringing can have an impact on whether young people want to bother with relationships.

The thing is though OP: you clearly love your kids and want the best for them.

But the thing is there's so much pressure on kids as it is to be "in a relationship" (whatever that means) as it is.

If kids are also made to feel by their parents (who are their most significant influences) that they are incomplete without a partner that will have a massive impact on how they perceive themselves. And the knock-on effect will be quite damaging if they feel that being in a relationship should be their ultimate goal. Particularly your daughter. It's so important that girls' self-esteem at this age isn't linked to being in a relationship.

So please don't express this to them. If you feel disappointed you can't help this but I would urge you to see it as the massive positive it actually is. You may have dodged a bullet here.

But this has nothing to do with them not having had boyfriends or girlfriends.

I had two proms and went with my friends each time.

I agree. We need to move past the idea that everyone must have sex by such and such an age, and that if you aren't in a relationship there's something wrong. It's such a primitive way of thinking.

Sex and relationships aren't everything. Frankly, they often bring more pain and turmoil than they are worth. It's no coincidence that the happiest people I know are all childless and single. When I look back over my own life, art, books, friendship, conversation, learning new things, the natural world, etc, have brought me far more happiness than relationships. Some people seem to love the drama of it all – either going through it themselves or living it through their kids.

Why is being part of a couple (even a really crap toxic couple) viewed in our society as more of a success marker than being single?
Being independent and not reliant on another person to make you feel good is brilliant in my book and it makes me sad that people like op just want their kids to couple up so they can feel that they are successful.

I find it sad that you think being in a relationship = happiness.

Most teens don’t have serious relationships.
The ones that think they do usually don’t last because they’re not old enough to know what they want.

They probably do have relationships but don’t tell you for obvious reasons and don’t spend all day with them or talking about them.

Your way of thinking is very backwards and old fashioned and I think it says a lot about his you live your life.
Have you ever been single for a long period of time?

If you asked my mum, she'd say I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 23 - of course I did (I left home to go to university at 18), I just didn't tell her about it, because, like PPs, I didn't think involving my mother in a blow-by-blow conversation about my love life was either appropriate or necessary.

I'd have doubled down on that if I thought she'd have posted pics on social media, too.

Exactly. So overdue that we move past this mindset. It's so damaging.

They're still young. What do you mean about prom photos? My son and his mates all went together. Non of them had girlfriends.

@MagicFarawayTea they don't date in the same way we did, they have looser connections. My 22 year old does have a girlfriend but she's off to Greece with friends she's known since school days. Son is fine with this.

It's much less intense. My other two were mid thirties when they met and married their partners.

Don't worry

This

They may have had relationships, but just not brought them home. I know I did at that age, however I only brought a man home to meet my mum when I was 26 and it was serious. Maybe that's what your 22 yr old is doing. Either way it's not something you should be worried about

I was happily single in my late teens and early 20's. Got very very fed up with people taking pity on my single status and trying to set me up with guys they thought I'd like. I refused all offers.
Met DH when I was mid-20s and we've been together ever since.

I was 32, first relationship and still married to him. Had lots of male friends. Traveled the world with a couple of them. Had such a great time and never had my heart broken. Lots to be said for that.

I was in relationships constantly from 15-21 then met my husband at 21. Looking back I wish I wasted less time on relationships during those years and focussed more on friends and other experiences.

It’s actually very normal especially these days. See how you feel when they’re 30!

Proper relationships aren’t really a thing unless you’re serious. They’re still very young please don’t worry.

Maybe they're just dating casually and not letting you know? I bet my family think I've only had one boyfriend, as I only introduced them to my now husband.

In reality I had plenty of dates and short term relationships, and that stage of my life was an absolute blast.