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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad that my kids have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend

287 replies

MagicFarawayTea · 30/06/2023 16:43

I don’t feel like I can discuss this with anyone so asking MN for perspective.
Neither of my older kids has ever been in a relationship/had a girlfriend/boyfriend/brought anyone home. ( Youngest is 11 so not really an issue). Son is nearly 22, just come back home to live from university. Daughter is 19, on year out before starting uni. They have friends, are both tall, quite attractive. I can’t help comparing them to myself- I dated during 6th form and had a serious boyfriend for 2 years at university. I listen to friends whose kids have a boyfriend/girlfriend; they go out together, take them on holiday etc and feel like I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I have no prom photos to post on Facebook. I know it’s their life and choices, not mine, and they are seemingly content. I just feel sad. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

OP posts:
ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 30/06/2023 17:14

Get a grip. I am absolutely thrilled I have many happy memories of the majority of my 20s with my best friend. And not some feckless ex boyfriend.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 30/06/2023 17:15

No relationships that YOU ARE AWARE OF op! At 19 I was not telling my Mum who I was shagging.

Maybe they don't want to be in relationships and are just out there having fun, having the occasional fling, having sex. Or maybe they are prioritising other things right now.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/06/2023 17:15

@phoenixrosehere

What is it with parents wanting to rush their adult children into relationships?

I know, right? I find it thoroughly depressing. The earlier people get into serious relationships the less likely they are to fulfil their own potential and achieve happiness. Particularly girls.

I feel like its some awful throwback to the 50s when people wanted their girl children married off and away from trouble as early as possible. Yuck.

I think we should be celebrating their independence for as long as possible. LTRs are over-rated, particularly when you're at your peak.

minipie · 30/06/2023 17:17

redpickle · 30/06/2023 17:03

Is it important to you to be able to post photos on Facebook of them with a date? Maybe this is why they haven't told you about relationships they've had.

Exactly what I thought.

Original poster
MagicFarawayTea · 30/06/2023 17:17

I realise it’s not a huge issue and I’m lucky to have avoided the dramas and tears of teenage relationships! They are both great people and I’m very proud of them both. Perhaps they are just a lot wiser than I was…

OP posts:
Elvis1956 · 30/06/2023 17:17

Your post has made me smile. My mum died when I was 17, she never knew about any of my girlfriend's (mainly because my dad would have taken the micky). Or do I thought. After she died I found a thank you letter for a birthday present that my cousin Sharon had sent, about a month before mum died. She told mum about seeing me walk my girlfriend home every night, as she lived in Sharon's road!

The thing is, your children are adults, even when still at school they were moving into adult hood and may just not wanted to tell you about their relationships.

btw my dad was a top bloke but would use any opportunity to take the piss

Moveoverdarlin · 30/06/2023 17:18

I’d be delighted! Read the other post from the Mum whose 18 year old son is proposing!

At 22 I never took anyone home. I was having sex but never had a serious relationship or took anyone home. I couldn’t think of anything more mortifying at the time.

Met someone at 28 and went on to have marriage, children etc. But I would not want anything serious for my kids during their uni years. Have fun. Look at the simpering Brooklyn Beckham, he drapes himself all over his wife and they just look like little kids playing house.

Sarah2891 · 30/06/2023 17:19

I find this a very bizarre thing to worry about. I wouldn't have even given it a thought, they are so young.

Selfesteem23 · 30/06/2023 17:20

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 30/06/2023 17:14

Get a grip. I am absolutely thrilled I have many happy memories of the majority of my 20s with my best friend. And not some feckless ex boyfriend.

Same. I had a ball in my twenties. No major relationships but flings that my prenatal wouldn’t have known about. Settled in a relationship on my early thirties. I think it helped me find who I was without moulding into someone else’s idea of a girlfriend at an impressionable age.

It’s not unusual. I had friends who were similar . I’ve nephews and nieces that aren’t in relationships on their twenties either.

Not everyone needs to jump in and out of relationships at an early age.

Selfesteem23 · 30/06/2023 17:21

Prenatal - I mean parents !

Gooseysgirl · 30/06/2023 17:21

Jesus I thought you were going to say they were in their 30s/40s!!! I've only had one serious relationship and that's with my husband of 12 years, together 15 years. I was 32 when we met and he's the only partner I've ever introduced to my mum... the rest were dalliances 👀

thehonscupboard · 30/06/2023 17:23

Hahahaha! You sound like my parents. They were so keen for me to bring someone home. It was irritating. Didn't introduce them to anyone until I was 30 and their desperation for me to be in a relationship wound me up. They couldn't understand how anyone could be happy single. Wasn't going to confide in them about flings as they'd have got way too excited about it then disappointed about it leading nowhere. Let your children enjoy their own lives and be happy that they're happy on their own and not jumping into relationships just to not be single.

Mariposa26 · 30/06/2023 17:26

Most 22 year old blokes I was at uni with didn’t have serious girlfriends (or boyfriends). They wanted to shag around. Not sure about your comment re prom photos on Facebook?!

Toddlerone · 30/06/2023 17:26

They're quite tall.... huh??

aintnospringchicken · 30/06/2023 17:27

Highlyflavouredgravy · 30/06/2023 16:48

They haven't had relationships THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT!

Exactly this.My DS had a few girlfriends we never knew about until they'd been going out a few months,and even then we got that information from our DD who is 3 yrs older.DS was happier to confide in his sister about his love life.DS is now in a long term relationship with a lovely girl who we met for the first time after they'd been together for 8 months

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/06/2023 17:28

@thehonscupboard

Let your children enjoy their own lives and be happy that they're happy on their own and not jumping into relationships just to not be single.

This. I can't help wondering if part of the reason people are so scared to leave poor relationships later in life is that their parents hammer into them that they need a partner. It sends a really awful signal to make a child feel they need to "deliver" a partner to bring home to their mum and dad.

My parents made plenty of mistakes but I'm really glad they never did this.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 30/06/2023 17:28

MagicFarawayTea · 30/06/2023 17:09

I know the Facebook thing is about me; I would have just liked to be a proud mum sending them off to prom. Son didn’t get to go because his ( boys’ school) didn’t have one. They had to get an invite from the girls to attend their prom. My daughter didn’t get one due to COVID.

My dd and her mates refused to go to prom.

Im kind of proud of that.

LlynTegid · 30/06/2023 17:30

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I would be in your shoes.

Regarding the OPs point, perhaps just not spoken about it and kept it to themselves.

Trinity65 · 30/06/2023 17:30

MagicFarawayTea · 30/06/2023 16:43

I don’t feel like I can discuss this with anyone so asking MN for perspective.
Neither of my older kids has ever been in a relationship/had a girlfriend/boyfriend/brought anyone home. ( Youngest is 11 so not really an issue). Son is nearly 22, just come back home to live from university. Daughter is 19, on year out before starting uni. They have friends, are both tall, quite attractive. I can’t help comparing them to myself- I dated during 6th form and had a serious boyfriend for 2 years at university. I listen to friends whose kids have a boyfriend/girlfriend; they go out together, take them on holiday etc and feel like I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I have no prom photos to post on Facebook. I know it’s their life and choices, not mine, and they are seemingly content. I just feel sad. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

They aren't You though OP
(not meant in a nasty way).

happyfoot · 30/06/2023 17:31

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 30/06/2023 17:14

Get a grip. I am absolutely thrilled I have many happy memories of the majority of my 20s with my best friend. And not some feckless ex boyfriend.

Yep- same. Brilliant memories, they have loads of time FFS

Mikimoto · 30/06/2023 17:31

I think "I've no FB prom pics" says it all - if I were those kids, I wouldn't be telling this woman stuff either!!

Still, at least they're tall...

EnergyJaguar · 30/06/2023 17:31

Haven’t read comments. But there is more to life.

phoenixrosehere · 30/06/2023 17:32

thehonscupboard · 30/06/2023 17:23

Hahahaha! You sound like my parents. They were so keen for me to bring someone home. It was irritating. Didn't introduce them to anyone until I was 30 and their desperation for me to be in a relationship wound me up. They couldn't understand how anyone could be happy single. Wasn't going to confide in them about flings as they'd have got way too excited about it then disappointed about it leading nowhere. Let your children enjoy their own lives and be happy that they're happy on their own and not jumping into relationships just to not be single.

What was their reasoning?

Mine had something to do with wanting grandchildren because all of their friends had grandchildren (I was 21 and had graduated from uni and these friends’ children were younger than me) and that they had me at 23 which wasn’t the ringing endorsement that they thought it was.

I often wondered where their logic came from considering they would have been highly disappointed if I ended up a teen mum, living with them.

Yearsandyearsandyears · 30/06/2023 17:32

YABU.
I didn't have a proper boyfriend or bring anyone home until I was 30! I'm now married and have kids with him.

ladykale · 30/06/2023 17:32

MagicFarawayTea · 30/06/2023 16:43

I don’t feel like I can discuss this with anyone so asking MN for perspective.
Neither of my older kids has ever been in a relationship/had a girlfriend/boyfriend/brought anyone home. ( Youngest is 11 so not really an issue). Son is nearly 22, just come back home to live from university. Daughter is 19, on year out before starting uni. They have friends, are both tall, quite attractive. I can’t help comparing them to myself- I dated during 6th form and had a serious boyfriend for 2 years at university. I listen to friends whose kids have a boyfriend/girlfriend; they go out together, take them on holiday etc and feel like I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I have no prom photos to post on Facebook. I know it’s their life and choices, not mine, and they are seemingly content. I just feel sad. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

What a ridiculous post.

In most cases, heartbreak at a young age isn't great. They are SO young! Probably enjoying life with their mates, going on dates (albeit not leading to a serious relationship) and enjoying life as young people.

Why the pressure for people to be in serious relationships from such a young age??