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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS proposing at 18

313 replies

burndelight · 30/06/2023 15:42

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

OP posts:
Gemzee · 30/06/2023 15:46

Although he's young, he seems quite sensible. Getting engaged at that age isn't a bad thing - I'd worry more if they were booking the wedding straight away. Uni may change their feelings anyway.
I'd like to think if it was my son, I'd be supportive (however I only have a 4 year old son so no experience of this obviously!).

Babsexxx · 30/06/2023 15:47

Yabu he wants to reassure her and for her to feel like she still very much matters despite such big changes happening in there lives! He’s not rushing up the aisle he’s proposing for a engagement that could go on for literally years and making a commitment to her…I think it’s very sweet!

Ahhhhh loves young dream!

Luxell934 · 30/06/2023 15:47

Trust me when they get to university things will change, they will meet new people, their relationship may change. They will likely break up. Most relationships aren't going to stand the test of university. Your son is young and in love, but give it a few years and I bet this relationship won't last.

If it does...then maybe they are meant to be together. Either way i'd stay out it.

Theduchy · 30/06/2023 15:48

I don't think their age is necessarily a barrier. My DH and I were together at 18. We knew we'd be together forever by then and only waited to get engaged until we could afford a wedding but the intention was there at 18 if you know what I mean. We're now mid 30s. Married 10 years and two DCs.

Riverlee · 30/06/2023 15:49

Ahh, first love. Technically, he’s an adult now, so can do what he wants.

I think being supporting, but advising waiting is good advice.

in reality, most s hook romances break up at uni anyway, when one of the partners realises there’s a big wide world out there to explore, and don’t want to be hemmed in.

In many ways, it’s quite sweet he’s going to ask her father for her hand in marriage

ReadtheReviews · 30/06/2023 15:50

It does work for some. And how many people still regret not ending up with their first love?
They might be the lucky ones!

Peony654 · 30/06/2023 15:51

Of course you have to be supportive but university is a big life change which may consider them to re-consider. And definitely encourage them to live together before marrying, and have proper discussions about their life plans etc.

anqlepi · 30/06/2023 15:51

Luxell934 · 30/06/2023 15:47

Trust me when they get to university things will change, they will meet new people, their relationship may change. They will likely break up. Most relationships aren't going to stand the test of university. Your son is young and in love, but give it a few years and I bet this relationship won't last.

If it does...then maybe they are meant to be together. Either way i'd stay out it.

My family said similar but 19 years later we're in our 30s and still together, married, house, kids etc.

NeedToChangeName · 30/06/2023 15:51

I think supportive but encouraging them to wait is the way to go

Bumdealoftheweek · 30/06/2023 15:53

DH and I met at 17 and 18 respectively. Been together 25 years now having been in a very similar situation. They're not getting married now so support them and let it play out.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 30/06/2023 15:54

I met my husband when I was 16, we've been together 23 years, married 17.

It may not work out, they may grow apart, but I don't think there's anything to worry about. They both sound like well rounded young adults, with a good social group, plans for education and they sound happy.

mast0650 · 30/06/2023 15:55

Oh gosh. I would also be gently encouraging them to wait until at least a year or two into University before they make any big irreversible decisions. A lot can change in that time. If they only want to get engaged for now and not actually plan to get married quickly then there isn't much harm.

EvilElsa · 30/06/2023 15:55

I can't judge at all as I got engaged at 18 and am still very happily married and in love at 42. I've two sets of friends who met even younger and are married now too. Be supportive. It's his life to lead, they may end up married, they may not. Hopefully her parents will be ok about it.

ChokeToDeathOnThreePoundsOfMeat · 30/06/2023 15:55

DH & I first met at school, we were 15 & 17. I felt like my heart had fallen into my knickers chest! We're in our 40s now.

I would say, as long as they're not planning to get married before they finish university, & have got decent contraception sorted, it shouldn't be a problem any more than any other university living arrangement. Stuff goes wrong, people fall out, it could happen just as easily with a new roommate as an established relationship.

OhComeOnFFS · 30/06/2023 15:56

I don't think they should live together in their first year. That's a time for making friends and quite honestly nobody wants to make friends with a couple, one of whom is at a different university.

He sounds lovely and I do think a lot of boys that age are very romantic, but he needs to be realistic. An engagement can come across as a sign of ownership given it's happening just before going away.

Talk to him about halls of residence and mixed flats. They both deserve to make their own separate friends and form their own identity. It doesn't mean they can't see each other, but living together is far too intense at that age.

I feel for you - I could see my son doing something similar at that age. His girlfriend went to a university 200 miles away and it cost them £100 to see each other, so that was the end of that!

JeandeServiette · 30/06/2023 15:56

Nah, roll with it. They'll either still be together at 22 or they won't. He's saying they won't get married until then. Just go with the flow.

A pregnancy and a shotgun wedding would be the time to disapprove or worry. He sounds sweet and sensible, really. Don't set yourself up for tension with him sober this.

She might even turn him down.

FuppingEll · 30/06/2023 15:57

In real terms, an engagement means nothing so although I would be skeptical I would play along for them and for the sake of my relationship with them.

mbosnz · 30/06/2023 15:57

My DD and her boyfriend got engaged last year when they were 18. They have been maintaining a long distance relationship, she's in London, he's 'oop North' at different universities (obviously!). Their relationship is very strong, and they are very committed to each other. It's their business - if it lasts, it lasts, and if it doesn't - no harm, no foul.

I married the guy I met at university, we were twenty when we became girlfriend and boyfriend, 21 when we got engaged.

Belltentdreamer · 30/06/2023 15:57

Don’t worry they’ll break up at uni engagement or not 🤣

TallulahBetty · 30/06/2023 15:57

mast0650 · 30/06/2023 15:55

Oh gosh. I would also be gently encouraging them to wait until at least a year or two into University before they make any big irreversible decisions. A lot can change in that time. If they only want to get engaged for now and not actually plan to get married quickly then there isn't much harm.

How is getting engaged 'irreversible'?

UncleRadley · 30/06/2023 15:57

I know people who are engaged all through uni, I think only one couple actually got married in the end! Just let him get on with it, if they're not going to marry til after uni doesn't mean much to be engaged anyway, and if they're still together after uni then fair play to them.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/06/2023 15:58

I’d say get engaged after uni- it’s not needed to show commitment - they are committed and see what happens (totally don’t think it will last!)

Riverlee · 30/06/2023 15:59

School, not s hook

drpet49 · 30/06/2023 15:59

Luxell934 · 30/06/2023 15:47

Trust me when they get to university things will change, they will meet new people, their relationship may change. They will likely break up. Most relationships aren't going to stand the test of university. Your son is young and in love, but give it a few years and I bet this relationship won't last.

If it does...then maybe they are meant to be together. Either way i'd stay out it.

This

x2boys · 30/06/2023 16:00

Well there's getting engaged and getting engaged ,,they are only 18 I would smile and go along with it ,chances are it probably won't last after they both start university but If.it does ,it does .