DS proposing at 18

[burndelight]

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

I’d just support him and be ready to pick up the pieces if they break up down the line.

lots of couples break up during university but of course some will make it.

I’d be supportive and not suggest it will all probably fall apart at uni. But likely it will all fall apart at uni. Yes many here met their OH at 18 and still together, but these times are very different and the world a much bigger place.

However, I might have a chat about how fair it is to put the expectations of marriage on a girl of 18. She might get to uni and figure she wants a bit of freedom, but the expectations to settle down are much much bigger on women than men. She may feel very put upon to be engaged so young, even if she does feel exactly the same right now. A bit of freedom as an adult can quickly change minds and leaving her feeling guilty and like she’s missing her ‘big chance to settle down’ is quite unfair.

I’d let it play out - they might separate at uni, they might have found the right person very young. Only time will tell.

It’s young to be thinking of marriage. But the engagement isn’t really a problem as he’s said they won’t get married for at least a few years. They might stay together that long, they might not. If there’s any talk of getting married sooner, I’d definitely try to get them to wait. Engagements don’t really mean anything when there’s no intention of marriage soon.

Saying that, I met my partner just before we both went to uni and we’re still together 25 years later so it can work out.

I had a boyfriend all through uni at aged 20 on graduation day he proposed and I was horrified and said no. It ended shortly after and he proposed to one of my friends who said yes, they married and he is a great father and husband - they have been married 28 years now.

do I regret it? Nope - he wanted to marry and having told me I was the only person - 4 months later he proposed to someone else - he wanted marriage and children to anyone

support - suggest halls whilst they make friends but better they live together and make joint friends than they sit in their uni rooms Facebook timing every night

My son and dil met at comp and have been together since they were 14. Went to the same university, and after graduating they married in 2006. They now have 2 DS, and have a fabulous life.
When you know, you know.

Seriously? is that how you view your daughter? Not as an equal in society but as someone whose father needs to be asked to hand her over. I find that both astonishing and sad.

What is wrong with that? My daughter got married a couple of years ago and we were delighted that her fiancé asked my husbands permission.

Delighted? 🤢 Your husband doesn’t own your daughter, she is not property to be passed from him to someone else. I hope my daughter would run a mile from men like that.

PS I would STRONGLY dissuade them from living together at uni. You can give all sorts of reasons - halls are more sociable, likely easier access to lectures / library / events etc - but the real reason is that if they do split up during the year they will be absolutely screwed in terms of trying to find new accommodation mid-year.

Agreed. My now-husband was very clear that if I ever found out he’d asked my Dad before me I’d have said no! We informed my family (and his) of our plans to marry. Information, not permission.

I have to agree, and that part of the op is worrying. It seems this young man wants to tie his gf down before she has the chance to mature and asking her father’s permission is definitely crossing a line. If any man tried to do that with me I’d certainly run a mile. Women are not property of anyone, not their parents or possible future spouse. It’s not cute nor respectful.

He should absolutely not speak to her parents until she says yes, If he wants to do the ceremonial asking of her father that's something. She and he could end up very embarrassed if she has no.

I know a few people who got together as young teenagers, got married as young adults, and are still married into their 30s and beyond. Most importantly, they are happy and leading fulfilling lives. My point being: it’s not necessarily a bad thing!

I would just support him and celebrate the news but be there for him if it all goes pear shaped.

What is this ceremonial asking of her father shite? I got married in the 1990s and my dad would have been appalled if anyone thought he had the right to give or deny permission for me to make a major life decision. 30 years ago my late father new that was offensive and sexist bullshit. Why are women's rights going backwards?

I completely agree. I feel sorry for him, I really do. It's a completely desperate move, borne out of insecurity. Perhaps he thinks that she's out of his league? And that she's going to find someone better at uni.

It sounds like living together is designed to stop her from meeting new people. And the engagement is designed to scare other guys away. Unfortunately, this is how men think, especially 'nice guys'. It's neither sweet nor romantic - it's suffocating, controlling and fundamentally manipulative. I would think that if her parents were switched on, they would feel the same way.

If he really loved her, he would tell her that he intended to propose as soon as they graduated. It's doing the right thing by her, rather than the selfish 'nice guy' move he has clearly been planning. What's worse is that he is clearly trying to manipulate both sets of parents by asking in advance, almost 'locking in' both parents like an arranged marriage.

They are both adults so there’s really nothing you can do but support them and watch it play out.

What’s your general feeling about the relationship? Does it seem healthy? That’s the main thing.

My boyfriend proposed to me at this age but I now know he did it as a way to control me. The ring was like his way of making sure everyone knew I was taken. I was an idiot, I wanted to say no but I didn’t want the relationship to end so I said yes. We lasted through uni (went to different unis but close by) but broke up shortly after graduating when I found out he’d been cheating on me all through uni. Just my experience though, but I do think it’s a red flag that he wants to tie her down at such a young age. What’s the point if there’s no intention to actually get married until after uni, just wait a bit and make sure.

I agree I think asking the father is ridiculous, but if she says yes then afterwards "asking the fathers permission" is a nod to the tradition before announcing. "Asking" the parents before her is really a very bad idea.

This.

I entered uni with a serious boyfriend who I was madly in love with, by third year had made a whole bunch of new friends who were more fun to be around, BF and me started to develop different interests. By the end of uni we had gone different ways and grown apart.

Your kid sounds very mature and sensible so I would stay out, let him do his thing and figure it out by himself. If it's meant to be it's meant ti be and if it's not it's not.

Don't meddle.

I was proposed to at 18 pre uni and said i wasn’t ready. Still dated for a few months.

I then started dating my now husband at later end of 19… we got engaged at 28 and married at 29 and are happily still married at 35.

Engagement doesn’t mean much - make sure he gets an affordable “just for now” ring e.g. a simple band or silver with semi precious stones. Great for taking to places you might lose it like going back packing in future life if it all works out.

You have no say in this, ignore pps who tell you to "gently encourage" anything. It may seem like a big step but it works for many people. A lot of things could happen, they could stay together, could get to uni and find they aren't as well suited as they thought. Just support your DS what ever happens and be glad that he feels close enough to you to share his plans, he sounds sensible

Aren't you a ray of sunshine?

I reckon it's just a young fella caught up in the 'romance' of it all. Playing at being a grown up but not fully understanding all of it. I don't think he's automatically a misogynist, just may not really get why this would be massively offensive for a lot of women.

Didn't go to Uni but I met my husband at school aged 14.
Engaged at 17
Married at 23
Two perfect boys later and I'm 54 and happy