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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS proposing at 18

313 replies

burndelight · 30/06/2023 15:42

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

OP posts:
BIWI · 30/06/2023 16:15

Do you think she'll say yes?

Original poster
burndelight · 30/06/2023 16:15

NerdyBird · 30/06/2023 16:12

Has he considered that her family may not be keen? Or that she might say no herself?

I know her and her family quite well, her parents are lovely, not overbearing etc. I imagine they will feel like me but not object and I'd be more shocked at her saying no than him asking !! They act like they are the only people to have ever been in love!!

OP posts:
x2boys · 30/06/2023 16:17

Newnamenewname109870 · 30/06/2023 16:10

I’m very surprised at all these posters who say that have no problem with it. Engaged at 18? Really? And if it was your son putting his heart on the line like that or your daughter being proposed to?

come on!

Its not like they are getting married though is it, its essentially a ring and maybe a bit of a party to celebrate their commitment
It may well.fizzle out once they get

t to.uni ,or maybe it won't ,either way its not really a huge deal.at this point .

oneotherworry · 30/06/2023 16:19

No. Good for him! Why do we all infantilise young adults these days? They’ve been together 2 years and engagements and marriages with people from all ages and stages of life fail or go the distance all the time. Age doesn’t always have to have a bearing on things. He sounds sensible, I wish them a lifetime of happiness. 50 years ago nobody would bat an eyelid at this. I do agree with PP about long engagement. Why would being engaged through uni ruin their experience though? If they stayed engaged till they graduated and married at 21/22/23 once they’d worked for a bit and gathered some funds together I don’t see the issue

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 30/06/2023 16:20

Little bit late now but I'd go the supportive route, but suggest a long engagement. You're unlikely to be able to talk him out of it completely, but if you get him to agree that they won't marry until after uni, you get the best of both worlds.

He gets to show his commitment etc, but they also get a chance to navigate adult life together and discover who they really are without being totally tied together.

Artichokepiglet · 30/06/2023 16:20

I think it's sweet. A friend of mine's boyfriend proposed when they were both 17 and she turned him down as she thought they were too young. 15 years later and they are still going strong. My sister and her now husband were also childhood sweethearts who survived separate universities.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 30/06/2023 16:21

“I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what. AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?”

Yes, YABU. I don’t think it is a bad idea at all. He’s proposing but with a long engagement in mind. I married at 20 and that was over thirty years ago. And yes, DH and I are still married. I think whether or when you meet the right partner is largely down to luck or bad luck rather than hitting some random milestone where people say you’re old enough to know what love is.

3AndStopping · 30/06/2023 16:22

Oh bless them. Be happy op, revel in his joy. What’s the worst that can happen? They never get married… I think it’s very sweet and respectful. You’ve raised a lovely lad!

ReleasetheCrackHen · 30/06/2023 16:22

They act like they are the only people to have ever been in love!!

Dont we all though? My mum did at 52 when she finally found the right partner.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 30/06/2023 16:23

If they're not planning to get married for a few years I would just see how it pans out. They will either last through uni or they won't.

mindutopia · 30/06/2023 16:24

I think it shows he's a kind and thoughtful person and who knows what the future may hold. I would encourage them to look for a house share that will allow them to live together but with housemates, so that they still have that experience of living with new people at uni. Or getting their own places but staying over at each others for first year (which I think is a really key time for making friends).

I think 18 is so young and I had a boyfriend (half-heartedly) propose to me at 18 - he cheated on me a year later and we broke up (thank god!). That said, dh was 21 when we met and we didn't officially get engaged, but certainly had the conversation about marriage and what our plans were within 6 months. I was older, so didn't seem that odd to me, but I was his first real serious relationship, looking back now, he must have seemed so young to everyone else and it probably seemed highly improbable that we would have lasted....but 15 years and 2 dc and a dog and 2 horses later, here we still are. So it's probably not for me to say anything.

NewNovember · 30/06/2023 16:24

Your ds sounds lovely but I do think the engagement is no issue but the living together at uni is a bit intense.

Runnersandtoms · 30/06/2023 16:25

As PP as long as they're not planning to get married until later, and they are being careful on the pregnancy front then it's fine. If they make it through uni still together they might stay together forever. If it's not meant to be they'll break it off.

I got engaged before uni and we stayed together and have been married over 20 years despite spending the best part of two years while engaged with me abroad or in another part of the country.

bonzaitree · 30/06/2023 16:25

Too young in this day and age if you ask me.

Earliest sensible date would be once they’ve finished their degrees and any post grad/ training and have sensible jobs.

Bit he is 18 so it’s his choice!

Maybe you could suggest setting a date after graduation and let it play out?

PurBal · 30/06/2023 16:26

Loads of people get engaged before uni but don’t make it down the aisle. There are exceptions, eg my cousin who has been married 20 years having met his wife at a level. But I wouldn’t worry about it.

35965a · 30/06/2023 16:26

I know a fair few couples who got engaged at age 17-21. Only 1 is still together now (mid-30s). I would be so disappointed if this was one of my children, but I’d keep my mouth shut and hope for the best.

Star11111 · 30/06/2023 16:27

Myself and my husband met at 16 and started dating, went to different universities in the same city at 18, were married at 24, had my daughter at 27 and are now 36. I would be supportive. Best case scenario she is your future DIL and you’ve kept everyone happy. Worse case scenario they split up regardless later

ActDottie · 30/06/2023 16:27

YABU especially because he has said they won’t get married while at uni and being engaged although symbolises commitment it legally doesn’t mean anything. He obviously feels it is the right time and he wants to reassure her, it’s quite sweet really.

ItsCalledAConversation · 30/06/2023 16:28

Introduce them to the concept of 'getting engaged to be engaged'. It's a cheaper ring, it's still a romantic sentiment. Encourage them to live in (separate) halls for the first year (at least) of uni and only move in together after that.

itsmylife7 · 30/06/2023 16:29

Just smile and say wonderful news.

Engagement is nothing really, not like a marriage.

They may outgrow each other, or it might work out.

Don't show any disapproval to their faces.

Hotterthanhades · 30/06/2023 16:30

Common sense would say that this is a crazy idea and they’ll probably split up.

However, when I look at my school friends, the ones in the happiest marriages all met their husbands at 15/16. They all survived going to different courses at uni. ( it’s only three couples out of 10 friends…but still)

the other happy marriages are all people who met relatively young. Say in first year at uni.

i also sometime regret not staying with my first love who I met at 18. He was ( and still is) a great bloke.

HarrietStyles · 30/06/2023 16:30

I’d be quietly supportive and let them get on with it if they both want to be engaged. But recommend that they wait a few years to get married. Gives them both more time to transition into adulthood and be absolutely sure. My husband and I met when we were 17 and 18 and survived through university. Didn’t get married until we had been together 8 years though.

jigglytip · 30/06/2023 16:31

I met DH when I was 17 got married at 19. 😄

StillWantingADog · 30/06/2023 16:31

Ah bless him
I think I’d go with the flow but encourage wedding plans to wait until after uni.

bur in the same breath I’d say some girls don’t like long engagements so why not wait until you’re absolutely ready to get married and get her a nice eternity ring or something.

my bff met her now dh at 17. Inseparable ever since. They’re now mid 40. That said it took them 10 years to get married.

mydogisthebest · 30/06/2023 16:31

They are young but it's not like they are getting married any time soon.

I know quite a few couples who met around the ages of 16-18 and they are all happily married. Two couples have been married over 40 years.

Two of my nieces met their now husbands just before they went to uni and, in both cases, their uni's were different parts of the country (one 2 hours away and the other 5 hours away). One has been with her now husband for 20 years (married for 9 years) and the other for 12 years (married 5)