DS proposing at 18

[burndelight]

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

The engagement wouldn't bother me. The relationship will either last or it won't. I know people who've gone the distance from being young.

I'd probably caution against living together in first year though as that's the time to meet other people and find their feet at university as individuals rather than as one half of a cohabiting couple.

Also not to be negative if they break up student rentals can be hard to get/leave and they could find themselves living together but not an item, which is another needless complication to risk. In second year if they wanted to then I'd be on board.

I would worry more about them wanting to live together. So many relationships break up when uni starts, living together would make a break up much harder whether they engaged or not.

Ah young love, a dream of hope and unity forevermore....

I mean they are both adults now so it's a bit "ce la vie" now parenting wise.

Time will tell, they may stay together, they may not, who knows.

The horse has clearly bolted, so no use trying to run after it, just be supportive if it comes back to pasture.

They've known each other all their lives by the sounds of things, so I'd take comfort in a way that it's not a 2 year relationship, that's been a bit rocky here.

Wish them well, and wait it out would be my advice OP.

At this age they think it will last forever - and maybe it will - but going to university and getting older might well change their minds.

I got engaged at eighteen and had every intention of marrying him. He was a lovely person.

When I was nineteen I suddenly fell out of love with him - it was terrible for him but I had to break it off.

I do sometimes think about him and I hope he is happily married somewhere. I am - although I had a very rocky first marriage.

Don't get too anxious about this, OP. It is likely to fizzle out in a year or two. Just be supportive as things take their course.

Yup the intention was there for me and my boyfriend when I was 18 too. Then I hit 25 and realised I wanted more from life and we split up. If we'd been engaged I'd have felt less able to do that.

OP, her parents might give him short shrift for you. I think it's silly getting engaged unless you're actively planning a wedding regardless of age.

To me (and probably you) this seems a bit crazy. Why tie yourself down so young, do people make great life-changing decision at that age is to be questioned, are they both ready to commit and do they fully understand what it means... these are all valid questions.

But on the other hand what can you do. You could say that's ridiculous, point out the pitfalls and alienate him, make her visits difficult, it will just drive them away (and also be bloody awkward if 30 years later she is still your DIL). Or you could say fantastic, hope you are happy ever after, be supportive and then see what happens.

I'd bet a few quid on their lives changing at uni and not ending up together, but no harm done provided they don't have a child I think. May be they stay together, may be they don't, but go with it for now would be my attitude.

Be very careful how you handle this. People close to me got engaged at 18. His parents made their disapproval clear. They married in their mid 20s and are still happily married, now in their fifties, but the parents’ reaction has never entirely been forgiven.

An engagement is not marriage - surely it can do no harm.

They should get married sooner and claim the extra benefits from Uni! It’s not as if they own much at this age - getting married at 50 and signing half your home away is relatively stupid compared to 18 year olds.

My brother in law met his partner at 16 and they're 30ish now and have been through university together etc. Same University.
Their parents both suggested they live separately though at University. They did.

If they're meant to be having a safety net of their own flats is far more sensible.

Don’t panic OP,it’s an engagement not a marriage at this stage. I can only speak of my experience I was 17 when DH 18 & I got engaged, we were engaged 6 mths after meeting, bought our first home when I turned 18, got married 5 years later. We have been married 29 years and have two DS 22 & 20. So sometimes young relationships do work.

YANBU to think it's very young (for most people, in this day and age), but YABU to worry about it (in the nicest possible way). I don't think engagements really mean anything until a date has been set and deposits etc put down. I know of so many couples who have been "engaged" then broken up before a wedding!

Why would you think your son has lost his mind? I think it's lovely that he clearly loves his girlfriend and wants to make a commitment to her. At 18 he is old enough to know his own mind and relationships can last at that age. I met my husband at 17, we moved in together when I was just 18, got married a couple of years later and were still together now - we've spend our entire adult lives together and Im now 65. We certainly weren't unique among our friends in making a commitment at a fairly young age.

He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.

And if she thinks different and wants to get married this summer, has he thought that she might feel differently?!

I wouldn’t be thrilled about this if it was my son, or daughter.

As soon as I clicked on this thread I knew it would be full of happy stories about people that have been with their DH since they were 12 and are now expecting their 4th child +/- people screaming at you for being controlling and interfering (MN has a lot more people that treat their kids as fully responsible adults from the second they turn 18 compared to most people I know IRL who would be having absolute kittens about this if they were being honest about it!).

The reason I personally would be so anxious about this if it was my DS wouldn't be because I think an engagement is in any way legally irreversible or because I think 18 is too young to commit necessarily - I know obviously there are happy stories about teen romances working out and them staying together forever but by far the majority from my own kids and all their friends is the relationship goes through significantly rocky patches (causing great misery on both sides), and in most cases, ends before they've finished uni. These always feel like terrible, prolonged, devastating heartbreaks to the kids at the time as it is, how much worse would be it if it's actually an engagement they're breaking off, with all the attendant shame/embarrassment and anger and having to tell everyone, both for the break-up-er and the break-up-ee. Then that casting a shadow over future relationships (like Stacey on Gavin and Stacey who has to confess she's been engaged 5 times already lol!). Just unnecessary surely when they can stay together and get engaged at 21 with the means and ability to actually marry shortly after that, if they still want to?

Although in fact it's the planning to live together bit that worries me even more, halls and flatmates and new friends and independence (with all the ups and downs that go with that) are such a rite of passage and important part of growing up IMO - if they go to separate unis does living together mean having to privately rent a house? That would be a totally different experience, even if they can live together in halls couples accommodation will be full of much older, probably post graduate students and again a totally different experience. Would they not consider each getting a room in their own flat and splitting their time between them or similar? But perhaps that ship has sailed?

I totally agree that coming down heavily on your DS or telling he shouldn't would be a really bad idea, but could you gently encourage him to think more in terms of the impact on his girlfriend of what he's suggesting. If she loves and cares about him, which I'm sure she does, she's not going to say no to a romantic beach proposal (I'm sure to an 18 year old in love this would be tantamount to an immediate break-up) and being a caring and moral person she will regard that as a firm long-term commitment come what may - is he being fair to ask that of her? Have they, really, honestly talked about this? Can he be sure this is what she really wants at this very young age? I'm normally very ick at the thought of a promise ring (meaningless term in most circumstances) but would it be kinder if he gave her the ring as a promise of his commitment without absolutely requiring a promise from her of the same? Still very romantic but puts the ball much more in her court and allows them both a bit more flexibility in how they present themselves to the world?

I think it's quite sweet but agree it's a bit barmy, they've not had to put their relationship through any of the tests of adulthood yet and are still living at home with their parents. I don't blame you for feeling this way! I'd also worry that he's doing this as a way of trying to tie to her to him through uni, maybe that he's panicking about the possibility of her finding new people and changing through that process (which let's face it is quite likely).

So long as they're not planning to get married just yet though, I'd try to bite back the worry and be supportive, just don't encourage/let them dive into wedding planning just yet. Say you'll help organise/pay for the wedding (if that's possible) after they graduate. I hope it works out for them 🙂

I agree with pp that I'd be more concerned about them living together. If they spend all their free time together, it will limit each of them making friends independently and getting fully involved in their own universities. And if they should break up, or even go through a rough patch, it will be umpteen times more difficult if they're tied into a rental contract together.

I think most people who went to university have a story of someone they knew at school that married their childhood sweetheart and are still married now (age 60 in the case of my classmates and 35 years plus married), but we also know a lot who engaged and then split at uni, and we also know some that engaged at graduation and split up after 2-3 years of work.
so It can work, and at same time it won’t in some cases. Ever was, ever will be,

there are, imho, 2 reasons for this

1. the human brain doesn’t stop developing until 23/24 years old, and goes through its last big developmental stage in late puberty . It’s one of reasons , for instance, that a lot of serious mental health issues don’t manifest until then. A boy of 18 will, quite literally, be mentally different to the man he is at 25. Those changes rewrote to emotional maturity, etc so will effective relationships
2. On top of the physiologically changes I think people become very different once they start working and leave home (be that 18 or 21) Their focus changes, they experience more “real life” adulting like paying bills with no parenteral net to catch them. It changes people , their priorities, their pleasures etc . I don’t think you really come into your own until you’ve left home and had to support yourself fully in whatever way that is- even if it’s on benefits,

so, as long as they don’t head off to legalise it n the next few year theoretically it’s ok. But, if they’re at same uni, it will isolate them a bit- they’ll be a couple before they start even in freshers and other singles will find it harder to relate to them. But it’s not impossible

id Not say anything now, avoid alienating but drop these points in over next year. Certainly I’d be giving a pep talk to tell ds to ensure he joins in things just for him and not hang out with fiancé all the time- there’s a great temptation to do that given it’s comforting and familiar in a strange places . Suggest maybe different halls for first term ? Tel oh I’m he needs to spread his wings independently too, and that’ll make him a better husband - tell him it’s not good for either of them to become too co dependant

I don't know if the engagement will last but I do think it's lovely and actually quite sensible as they're not going to marry until after uni. What he should avoid doing is getting financially embroiled - no buying a place together before marriage.

But - talking to her parents about marriage before proposing to her is a bit foolish. They're not going to keep it secret. Does he want her to hear about the proposal from them not him?

They sound sweet but I’m a bit concerned that, with them going to different universities he may be wanting engagement because then she will wear a ring and talk about “my fiancé” when meeting new people, which is a much more definitive, massive “stay away” signal to other men. This could be borne out of insecurity in his part, but it could also be a sign of possessiveness and controlling tendencies. Ditto the living together. I hope I’m wrong but just worth thinking about.

YABU - Me and DH met aged 16 when some of his friends moved to the sixth form I attended. We started dating a couple of days after we met. We then went to the same university, lived together etc. We didn't get engaged until we were 25 and married at 26. We now have 2 kids together and a really great life. I'm now 33 so we'll have been together 17 years this coming October.

I suspect if we'd got engaged at 18 people would have assumed 'its not going to last' etc. Rolled eyes and such. Ironically by the time we finally did get engaged we'd been facing pressure/mounting questions from our parents about when we were finally going to get married.

Whether he gets engaged at 18 or 28, I doubt it will have much impact on whether they actually stay together/are happy, and surely his/their happiness is the main thing? Based on my experience I would encourage you to not overthink it, support him and don't judge.

We met at Uni, got married just after we left, and are still happily married 40+ years later.

It's not as if he's getting married now, so I'd smile and be supportive.

I have family that have been together since they were in secondary school, they got engaged young, went to different unis but lived together. They only married in their mid 20’s after they’d bought an house and then they had their children, they are still going strong.

Myself and my DH were engaged by 19, married by 22 and we are still together 15 years later.

I don’t think YABU to be worried but it is only an engagement, it doesn’t mean they are getting married anytime soon and it sounds like they have a good relationship and he sound very sensible and level headed.

I don’t know any couples that have survived this - and plenty that went down the marriage route and have since grown apart and divorced (though it seems plenty on here have found success!) - aside from all that I would support both of them to absolutely stay together and in love but equally not to rush into things or limit their personal growth as individuals by, eg, living together at the start of uni. I think I’d be encouraging their relationship while making it clear to them that these years are everything in terms of making friends, personal growth and independent experiences and to make this time work for both of them so neither feels hemmed in. So maybe an ‘engagement’ without living together, or a promise ring as others have suggested. Living together as an engaged couple on entering university will massively limit their experiences and even if they stay together as a couple they may end regretting that aspect of limitation of friend-based experiences. I think this is particularly important for girls - I’m a big advocate of women finding an identity outside of a relationship as all too often women’s aspirations become secondary to the man in their life.

I’d be happy if mine spent their uni years engaged even if it didn’t work out. I’d much rather that than them racking up lots of sexual partners and potential STIs. Just smile and nod. You’ll need to be there for him when she probably breaks it off at some point