DS proposing at 18

[burndelight]

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

How is getting engaged 'irreversible'?

It isn't. That's why I said that if they only want to get engaged and not married then there isn't much harm. I'd be discouraging them from rushing into getting married but not make much fuss about the engagement by itself.

Can he get her a promise ring or something?
there is also a chance a proposal might freak her out!

I do feel for you op! But also, adorable.

We got engaged at 18, married at 19 (to get maximum student loans/ grants) and are still together 15 years later. Be suportative, it will happen with or without your approval and if it dose work out they will always remember your reaction.

I can understand where you are coming from as he is still a teenager albeit not for much longer but he seems quite sensible. I think telling 17-18 year old to see friends on a weekend instead of seeing girlfriend is a bit much but I do really understand your intentions.

If they’re looking to move in together then the relationship has more of a chance surviving the test of different unis.

It is understandable that you have your own opinion on this and it’s ok to express that to your son but I would also just be there for him and accept his decision (he is 18 after all - he could have his own home or child by now) you could push him away if you’re not careful

It might last and it might not. We are in a friendship group of 4 couples. We married at 26. The 3 other couples met in college at 16 years old, stayed together through uni and are now married - 2 couples with newborns too! So yes it can definitely work out x

My best friend got engaged when he was 19, his fiancee was 18.

They got married when they were 32 and 33 so there was definitely no rushing up the aisle.

Just support him, it may or may not work out.

Getting engaged at 18 isn't irreversible, its just a symbol of commitment ,it will.either last or it won't .

Also he seems like he is proposing with good intentions and clearly loves her. Engagements aren’t official so to speak - just a ring and a gesture really. If things don’t work out then it isn’t as if they’ve married legally

What is an engagement ring if it's not a promise ring?

Don’t you like her then?
Another couple here, engaged at 18, married at 21, 2 children later just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

Why would he have to speak to her parents? I hope he’s not doing that awful tradition of seeking her father’s permission?

Anyway, if they have no plans to actually get married, I wouldn’t take it too seriously.

Well, just a positive story for you. DH and I met at 18 mid way through year 13. We spent the first year of uni doing long distance, got engaged in the middle of that year. He moved unis to one in the city I was at uni in for second year so we lived together from then and got married mid-way through that year.

There is a big, complicated back story to all of the above which I won't go into. But just sharing our story as we are both nearly 30 and still happily married and have two young kids.

I don't see the issue honestly, especially if they have a long engagement and are attending separate universities.

I also think it's not very nice when young men want to keep their friends and girlfriend separated, it's actually a bit of a red flag. So he sounds lovely wanting to socialise with her as part of his friendship group.

I'd reframe it- you have raised a son who is capable of wanting to commit to a woman and treat her well, and he's off to university. Just encourage the idea of a long engagement.

I know. That's why I said that just getting engaged but not planning to get married any time soon wouldn't do much harm. You misunderstood me.

That's what our families said but 40 years later we are still together and still happy. Our marriage has lasted longer than both sets of parents put together now.

I’m very surprised at all these posters who say that have no problem with it. Engaged at 18? Really? And if it was your son putting his heart on the line like that or your daughter being proposed to?

come on!

I imagine that he's trying to be demonstrably responsible and keep all the parents in side. He did start with his own parents and wasn't asking their permission.

He sounds rather lovely and mature, actually.

My friend's son proposed to his first girlfriend. And his second. And his third. And his fourth, who he married. He was just the type to want to settle down.

I wouldn't worry unduly. There's an outside chance they are right for each other. I've just been to the wedding of a couple who got together at 16. Now 26 and still gazing into each other's eyes like they have just invented love. So sweet.

No no, I do like her, I love her, I've watched her grow up, I remember her coming over for playdates as a toddler and them going to one and others birthday parties. She's a lovely girl, smart and sweet. Its as much for her sake as his that I don't want them rushing anything.
Don't get me wrong if it was 5 years down the line and he told me they were getting married I'd be over the moon (bonus of already knowing and liking the in-laws haha).
I think I'm just saying engagement as a bigger deal than it is

Dh and I got engaged in the first year of university. Got married at the end and we celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary next week.

It might not be what I'd ideally want but no way would I let it become a bone of contention or say anything negative. I might ask about contraception (again).

Has he considered that her family may not be keen? Or that she might say no herself?

I think it's less asking permission and more him knowing that they will be surprised so letting them know in advance so when it happens its less of a shock. He told us he was telling us now so when it happens we can be happy instead of shocked, I guess it's the same for them.

It’s all very serious isn’t it. Always driving to get her or be with her, wanting to live together straight away, wanting her to know he intends to be with her always.

I hope she’s on the same page. It sounds like he doesn’t want to give her any room to breathe or grow in her own space. They will start university as a couple. She will talk about her “fiancé” to people her own age who will find this odd given their ages. She may find it hard to establish her own friends and identity, as everywhere she goes, he comes too.

University is a time to grow and learn. They might do that together of course but why the rush to be joined so intensely like this - why not allow themselves to have their own experiences and find their own friends and see how things go from there?

What do you think her parents will say?

He sounds like a wonderful son and future husband. I wish more men were like him and not afraid to show love and commitment. I’d much rather this than a child who goes around breaking hearts and disrespecting women. What will be will be, but being against it or difficult will only make him resent you!