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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS proposing at 18

313 replies

burndelight · 30/06/2023 15:42

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

OP posts:
MykonosMaiden · 02/07/2023 02:49

DrCoconut · 01/07/2023 22:24

I taught a lad who was married by 18. Not a "shotgun wedding" or anything either, he and his wife had known each other right through school and had decided that was what they wanted. Their parents decided to allow it, and as far as I know they are still together in their 30s.

That aside, marriage these days isn't some unbreakable contract. Given that plenty of unmarried people have financial ties via property, and/or children.
If you have no shared children or assets then a divorce is quick and easy. It'll cost you a couple of hundred pounds, but that's all.
I'm old-fashioned and think proposing before you're ready to marry makes it meaningless, hence my original reply, but to each their own. At least they're not reproducing or buying property. Having said that I married my husband pretty quickly ( because we wanted to buy a house and I refused to do that without a permanent commitment). I figured that if it didn't work out all we'd have to split was the house, same as if we were unmarried.
As if turns out he's a decent dude. But yes, marriage isn't that permanent is my point these days.

moneymatr · 02/07/2023 06:15

I'd just support him. An engagement whilst it is a further commitment it's one that is easy to get out of if it doesn't work out. I'd be slightly more concerned about the living together at uni if they break up it's usually a year contract.

PinkIcedCream · 02/07/2023 09:01

I agree with you and think it’s a very bad idea. Teens think they know it all but at 18, he’s not got enough life experience behind him to settle down with his current girlfriend.

Going away to University is about far more than getting a degree. Ideally, he needs to live in halls or a shared house with other students in his first year, not his girlfriend. He needs to join a few clubs and societies and meet some new people to broaden his horizons.

I’d tell him that I don’t think it’s a good idea at all, but maybe compromise by getting engaged but living apart during their University years to see if the relationship is strong enough to survive the time apart.

Cotswoldmama · 02/07/2023 09:21

I think it's a bit weird. My husband and I started going out when I was 17 and he was 18 whilst in sixth form , he was the year above me. He left for uni a year before me but we stayed together and I then decided to go to the same uni as I thought it was unlikely we'd stay together if I went elsewhere. We didn't live together though. I would have thought he was crazy if he had proposed to me at 18, I think I would have thought it a bit possessive. Like being girlfriend and boyfriend wasn't enough and he wanted other people to see I was taken. But maybe that's just me! We didn't actually move in together until a couple of years after finishing uni when we'd saved up enough to buy a flat together although we spend a lot of time together at either of our parents houses. He proposed after 9 years together and we're still together now 22 years later.

yousaythatbut · 02/07/2023 16:14

money to travel this summer and extra to get stuff

Travelling together for a while would have been a good test of the relationship and they could have 'lived together' in a sense whilst travelling besides just being a life enhancing experience but no, he bought a ring. Romantic, I suppose.

MrsMarzetti · 02/07/2023 17:01

Don't object, he is 18 and an adult. Hopefully they won't marry and once they get to Uni they will see sense. I married at 17, down right bloody ridiculous and i truly believe nobody should marry or have children until they are at the very least 25. He will live and learn.

Original poster
burndelight · 02/07/2023 19:17

yousaythatbut · 02/07/2023 16:14

money to travel this summer and extra to get stuff

Travelling together for a while would have been a good test of the relationship and they could have 'lived together' in a sense whilst travelling besides just being a life enhancing experience but no, he bought a ring. Romantic, I suppose.

They are travelling too, 5 weeks Italy, France and Greece.

OP posts:
alittleadvicepls · 02/07/2023 19:28

You have to let us know when he does propose OP! You’ll be a mother in law soon 😉

Rorymyers · 02/07/2023 19:55

burndelight · 30/06/2023 15:42

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

Life and it’s irony.

I say that because
@MagicFarawayTea made a post with the subject below.

“Sad that my kids have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend”

Elfblossom · 03/07/2023 07:47

An engagement is not irreversible.

Weddings & marriage are not irreversible.

Babies are the ONLY irreversible!

Children are the only irreversible AND lifelong commitment.

AND in the situation where a couple has been together a good while - IF there's a pregnancy, IF they're happy - YOU be happy too! Keep your doubts & fears to yourself (its already too late) - they don't need to hear it - be supportive of whatever decisions they make.

GlassWall · 03/07/2023 08:15

Elfblossom · 03/07/2023 07:47

An engagement is not irreversible.

Weddings & marriage are not irreversible.

Babies are the ONLY irreversible!

Children are the only irreversible AND lifelong commitment.

AND in the situation where a couple has been together a good while - IF there's a pregnancy, IF they're happy - YOU be happy too! Keep your doubts & fears to yourself (its already too late) - they don't need to hear it - be supportive of whatever decisions they make.

No, engagements aren’t irreversible, but a pair of very young adults who would even contemplate restricting themselves to one another at eighteen, at a time when most teenagers are looking forward to spreading their wings in all kinds of ways, are likely to be cramping their own potential considerably, even if it only lasts a year or two, and they don’t marry.

It would worry me enormously if my child were even contemplating this — it’s a bad sign.

Collywolly · 03/07/2023 16:13

I met my husband at the age of 13 school sweet hearts, we got married when I was 26 long engagement as we had to save for our own wedding, been married 35 years but been together 48 years, still happy, worked for us.

Elfblossom · 03/07/2023 22:14

GlassWall · 03/07/2023 08:15

No, engagements aren’t irreversible, but a pair of very young adults who would even contemplate restricting themselves to one another at eighteen, at a time when most teenagers are looking forward to spreading their wings in all kinds of ways, are likely to be cramping their own potential considerably, even if it only lasts a year or two, and they don’t marry.

It would worry me enormously if my child were even contemplating this — it’s a bad sign.

Show quote history

A bad sign!? 😆 How? Why?

Why do you think it's your job to control someone else's life? Or decide what their potential is? Or how they fulfill their potential ...

SemperIdem · 03/07/2023 22:19

Elfblossom · 03/07/2023 22:14

A bad sign!? 😆 How? Why?

Why do you think it's your job to control someone else's life? Or decide what their potential is? Or how they fulfill their potential ...

Show quote history

I see very serious relationships at very young ages as life limiting and co-dependent. I see no romance in being with the same person from 13 for the rest of your life.

I wouldn’t dream of that for my child. Absolutely nothing I can do about it if that’s the path they chose. But I could, and would, be quietly sad about it.

Elfblossom · 03/07/2023 22:30

SemperIdem · 03/07/2023 22:19

I see very serious relationships at very young ages as life limiting and co-dependent. I see no romance in being with the same person from 13 for the rest of your life.

I wouldn’t dream of that for my child. Absolutely nothing I can do about it if that’s the path they chose. But I could, and would, be quietly sad about it.

Show quote history

Is this a projection of your own life?
Do you feel your teenage/young adult relationship/s held you back?

If not the case then what's actually lead to you thinking this way?

SemperIdem · 03/07/2023 22:55

Elfblossom · 03/07/2023 22:30

Is this a projection of your own life?
Do you feel your teenage/young adult relationship/s held you back?

If not the case then what's actually lead to you thinking this way?

Show quote history

No projection based on my own relationships. Nor any in my immediate family.

I think it’s based on the people I’ve met who have had this sort of set up. It seemed really “off” to me when I was very young and had friends whose boyfriends were allowed to stay over etc. I say off, not because I can’t articulate it better now, but because that is how I thought of it at the time. 14 year old peers having their 16/17 year old boyfriends staying over felt “off”.

As I got older I worked with a really broad cross section of people in terms of age and the “been together forever” set up just played out as co-dependent time and time again. Female colleagues who would happily say “I don’t know who I am without him” about their husbands, male colleagues who would say “I‘ve been bored for years, but her family are my family and I can’t lose all that” about their wives. Often they were much older than me. It just didn’t appeal to me in any way.

That isn’t to say the posters on this thread who have this set up aren’t happy, I hope they are. I’m not wishing misery and failure on people’s relationships. There would be much to find undesirable about my relationships, I am sure.

It’s just not something I wish for, for my child. If they choose it and are happy then I’ll be supportive but I would discourage the relationship becoming symbiotic and co-dependent.

St0nehenge · 04/07/2023 06:23

@SemperIdem is right though. Even a healthy relationship will affect their decisions. Biiiiiiiiiiig world out there, and to have to stay small enough to fit a teenage romance is going to limit a young person. And as for an unhealthy relationship, well unfortunately, at 18, it will leave a mark.

So glad my dd aged 20 hasn't had a bf yet.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 04/07/2023 06:34

If it helps I was engaged twice before I was 18 and didn't marry either of them.

User1990C · 04/07/2023 06:49

The absolute misery in this thread.
Your adult son wants to marry his girlfriend that he's known since a boy. He doesn't plan on getting married until after university. You should be proud.

St0nehenge · 04/07/2023 06:51

He is still a boy

Rosietheravisher · 04/07/2023 06:56

Have you spoken to the girls parents? What do they think?

bitnervousaboutthis · 04/07/2023 07:05

User1990C · 04/07/2023 06:49

The absolute misery in this thread.
Your adult son wants to marry his girlfriend that he's known since a boy. He doesn't plan on getting married until after university. You should be proud.

Agree with this

ButterCrackers · 04/07/2023 07:05

I think it’s lovely of them to be engaged. It’s responsible of him to be discussing it with you and his gf parents. I think the ultimate test will be what she replies.

LynetteScavo · 04/07/2023 07:20

I think it's really sweet. However, I don't think living together at uni is the best idea, and I'd strongly discourage it. I'd suggest they live separately at uni, at least for the first two years.

My worry would be that they pop off and elope. I'd be stressing that there was no rush to get married, and you're really looking forward to the wedding. After they graduate. Your DS sounds quite mature, having taken you out for dinner rather than just letting notice a ring in her hand.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 04/07/2023 08:51

My main issue short term (slightly hypocritical but it was 3rd year, not 1st, where we lived together) would be accommodation if they split up. Mid-year room-searches are a ballache.