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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS proposing at 18

313 replies

burndelight · 30/06/2023 15:42

My eldest DS is 18 (January Birthday) he has just finished his A-Levels, sensible kid usually. He's been with a girl for nearly two years, she is the daughter of our close family friends, they grew up together effectively, my DH went to school with her dad, she turned 18 in April, also just finished her A-Levels.
They are very very close, we live an hour from her, they have never gone to the same school etc. but at every opportunity he drives to either pick her up and bring her to ours or he is staying at hers, the rule was they couldn't see one and other Monday-Thursday during school, but we didn't regulate weekends/ Now their exams are over they are together more than ever, their friend groups seem to have merged, there is now about 7 of them and they all like to hang out together, so when I say to him why not just see your friends this weekend, he tells me they are her friends too.
They are going to Uni in the same city but different unis next year and have decided they want to live together.
Today DS took me and his dad for lunch, he has never done this before so I was naturally quite worried. He told me that when they go on holiday together next month he is going to propose, he told us he is telling us now as he is going to speak to her parents about it once she goes off to her prom tonight and doesn't want us to find out from them rather than him.
I'm shocked to put it lightly he is only 18!! He told me doesn't think they will get married while at uni but would like to show her that he wants to and fully intends to spend the rest of his life with her.
I didn't know what to say, so I said I thought it was a bad idea but I would stand by him no matter what.
AIBU to think he has actually lost his mind?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 30/06/2023 16:48

Aww, I remember being this age and several of my friends getting engaged to their boyfriends. I don't think any of them still were by the end of university.

I think it is best not to make a big deal out of it. It is just an engagement. It can be broken as easily as it is gone into. Time will tell if they last or not, independent of this engagement.

x2boys · 30/06/2023 16:51

ChocChipHandbag · 30/06/2023 16:46

They sound sweet but I’m a bit concerned that, with them going to different universities he may be wanting engagement because then she will wear a ring and talk about “my fiancé” when meeting new people, which is a much more definitive, massive “stay away” signal to other men. This could be borne out of insecurity in his part, but it could also be a sign of possessiveness and controlling tendencies. Ditto the living together. I hope I’m wrong but just worth thinking about.

That's a bit of a stretch and his girlfriend will.have her own mind 🙄

ExtraOnions · 30/06/2023 16:51

I got engaged it 18 … it was all over by the time I was 21 … met my (now) husband at 30.

Nordicrain · 30/06/2023 16:51

I wouldn't be happy about this either. But there is no point fighting it, it will just make them more determined I would imagine. Encourage a long engagement if that's what they want, and chances are that once they go to uni and see a bigger wider world they will break up anyway. On the off chance they don't and do stay together and live happily ever after you will be much better off not having been set against it.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 30/06/2023 16:52

Probationnotontarget · 30/06/2023 16:37

They should get married sooner and claim the extra benefits from Uni! It’s not as if they own much at this age - getting married at 50 and signing half your home away is relatively stupid compared to 18 year olds.

Well this is a good point tbh 🤣🤣🤷🏼‍♀️
it’d mean neither sets of parents have to stomp up Maintenance contribution and they’d get full amount?
now you might be on to something there…l😳

readbooksdrinktea · 30/06/2023 16:52

Why is it a bad idea? They're not eloping tomorrow. At least he told you. He didn't have to.

keel34 · 30/06/2023 16:52

I mean the logical response is they're young, they have all the time in the world, what's the rush- if it's meant to be, it'll be, and they can get engaged and marry in a few years. But you might push him away, he's probably scared about losing her and this is his reaction.

Only you know what your relationship is like as to whether you can advise he waits and reassure him, or leave him to learn from his own mistakes (if it is indeed a mistake!)

I say all this as someone who is happily married to my high school sweetheart who went to uni without him.

Perthsmurf · 30/06/2023 16:54

It sounds like your DS is a very thoughtful young man.

You won’t and cannot stop them from doing anything, but the decision to live together is really the bigger step here. It will inevitably affect their social lives at university, at a time when they should be immersing themselves in student life. I did this myself, I thought I was in love, and I missed out on so much while at uni.

However, you trying to put your foot down on will likely lead to you being the adversary of their love story. You need to tread that fine line of guiding and persuading your DS that they have years ahead of them to live together and to create their domestic idyll, but that student life is for living with friends who go to the same uni and, ideally, are on the same course.

If I were you, I’d say to your DS that you are supportive of his plan to get engaged, if that’s what he wants, but can they hold off living together for at least a year? That way they have time to enjoy student life, see each other still, and think about moving in when they’re truly ready, not when they happen to be moving to uni.

BooksAndHooks · 30/06/2023 16:56

You never know, people said we wouldn’t last. Engaged at 18, married at 20 and celebrate 20th anniversary next year.

If it doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out, being engaged or not won’t actually change much.

CheshireCat1 · 30/06/2023 16:57

Just be pleased for them, I think it’s lovely. None of us know what’s going to happen in the future so it’s worth celebrating and cherishing happy events when they happen.

geoger · 30/06/2023 16:57

Be supportive and be nice about it. Tbh it probably won’t last
what I find much more worrying is the fact they are planning on living together whilst at uni.
They both need to live in halls at their respective universities- best way to make friends and get immersed in uni life

crazeekat · 30/06/2023 16:57

an engagement is not major these days. credit to u he sounds a
respectable young man. Uni will
come and go and only time will
tell if they will stay together when the real world hits
them.
i'd be more worried if he was to say he had got her
pregnant.

tescocreditcard · 30/06/2023 16:57

It'll be fine.

If it doesn't work out they can just get divorced like the rest of us (who thought we were being sensible getting married in our 30's)

Appleofmyeye2023 · 30/06/2023 16:58

My ex, married his first wife at 20 . They met and dated from 14. By 26 she was petitioning for divorce. They were divorced by 30.
they had no kids
but did have a house by then but also debt- so they both didn’t really gain or loose much from the marriage
tbh, I always felt it wasn’t much different than me where I’d Ben liv No with various boyfriends since final year at uni . Except it cost them more

the big factor is level of commitment they make and how much of a mess it is legally, fanncially, or ven custody of kids, if they marry young and then split

so now I’m thinking about it a bit more, I’d be way way more concerned about an unexpected pregnancy or them launching into planned parenthood very young - now that could be catastrophic for their future. I’d certainly be talking to a son of mine about be damn sure he wasn’t going to make a baby accidentally

St0nehenge · 30/06/2023 16:58

I don't blame you, even though I think they'll never end up married, they could end up locked in to it, with a baby, or cohab sharing finances.

Being together should be a choice that you wake up and make every day or every month when you're 18. Feeling obligated will kill it. hopefully

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 30/06/2023 16:59

ChocChipHandbag · 30/06/2023 16:46

They sound sweet but I’m a bit concerned that, with them going to different universities he may be wanting engagement because then she will wear a ring and talk about “my fiancé” when meeting new people, which is a much more definitive, massive “stay away” signal to other men. This could be borne out of insecurity in his part, but it could also be a sign of possessiveness and controlling tendencies. Ditto the living together. I hope I’m wrong but just worth thinking about.

Glad you posted this as I’m thinking exactly the same. I wonder if his goal is to get her all tied up before uni in an attempt to clip her wings so she doesn’t ‘grow’ and open herself up to all the opportunities that will be available to her. If I were her parents I wouldn’t be at all pleased, even if I had known him all his life and was fond of him.

Lavenderu · 30/06/2023 16:59

Aw, young love. I think you have managed it right so far. Don't laugh but don't take it too seriously.
There is a slim chance that it will work out but unlikely. My DC are 25 and 27 and of their friends there were a few who were with a GF or BF from 16, some lasted right through uni but then broke up. Some broke up sooner. There is one couple that met at 17 and are still together ten years later planning a wedding next year. DS kept up a long distance relationship for his entire time at uni only for her to dump him in the middle of his final exams. In hindsight he regreted wasting his uni years travelling to meet up and never fully engaging with uni social life.
He is being very sensible to view it as a long engagement. My only concern would be if she wanted to leap in and get married sooner.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/06/2023 16:59

My BF of two years proposed to me at the same age and I was horrified. I was absolutely clear that I was going to uni and did not plan to be engaged. It broke us up tbh. I know mine is just one story but bear in mind he might be let down.

Yabbadabbadotime · 30/06/2023 16:59

I'd be quite pleased that he thinks that when you find a keeper you put a ring on it, as opposed to thinking getting a shag is the be all and end all of it.

He's being quite sensible about not rushing into an actual wedding, its rather sweet that he wants to show his commitment to her. Why is it a bad thing?

Oblomov23 · 30/06/2023 17:01

Sounds fine. Most likely it won't survive Uni, but that's not an issue.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/06/2023 17:02

I would be very supportive and kind but gently steer him away from this and also make him promise they won't actually get married until post university.

Getting engaged is meaningless and to be brutal the odds are they will split before then so nature will likely take its course. Getting married at 18 and when you're just about to go to university would be a very silly thing to do indeed.

Chances are they will both grow out of it. I'd be as supportive as you can about the relationship but make it clear you won't support marriage for some time and certainly not until they've graduated.

HeadNorth · 30/06/2023 17:03

I'd be concerned he is going to speak to her parents. That sounds hideously patriarchal. Surely it is for his fiancee to be to discuss it with her parents? Don't tell me he is going to ask for her dad's permission to propose to her? Vom!

It all sounds very immature and story book - I'd nod along for now - but certainly have a word about treating her as an equal and not a possession.

ThanksItHasPockets · 30/06/2023 17:03

Absolutely fascinated by the almost overwhelmingly positive response you have had. They sound very sweet and in love. However, and this isn’t necessarily helpful to you as there’s not much you can do about it, it’s very likely that at least part of his motivation is insecurity at the idea of all the new people they are about to meet. Putting a ring on her finger before freshers’ week is tactical, even if he genuinely doesn’t see it that way.

I hope that it goes well. I also hope she feels able to say no if she is unsure.

fruitbrewhaha · 30/06/2023 17:05

There's not a lot you can do about it really, she may say no. It does sound to me like he is making his territory somewhat. If she is wearing an engagement ring she'll be off limits.

Growlybear83 · 30/06/2023 17:06

HeadNorth · 30/06/2023 17:03

I'd be concerned he is going to speak to her parents. That sounds hideously patriarchal. Surely it is for his fiancee to be to discuss it with her parents? Don't tell me he is going to ask for her dad's permission to propose to her? Vom!

It all sounds very immature and story book - I'd nod along for now - but certainly have a word about treating her as an equal and not a possession.

What is wrong with that? My daughter got married a couple of years ago and we were delighted that her fiancé asked my husbands permission.