To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

It’s not your child, so no you don’t need to get up. And as you say, you’re not always there anyway.
However, it would be nice for him if you did get up and say bye.

We do also have a young DD who goes to nursery and who DH drops off on his way to work.

Guess he is 11 year 6. So it is a bit young not to be waved goodbye but it's not the end of the world. But is there anyway DH could leave slightly later to create some kind of overlap -even if it's just to bring ds a glass of milk in bed to wake him up

I think it’s a bit mean to be honest sorry. You can still rest after he has left for school. He’s young still. You wouldn’t need to get up until 7. (And I’ve worked shifts my whole life - earlier lates nights and long days. I still get up for my family).

I agree she doesn’t have to get up to see him off-at 11 he should be fine. But there is this weird narrative on Mumsnet about stepchildren-he is not your child so you have no interaction with them. He lives with them, he is her daughter’s sibling fgs. They are a family-would you really treat stepchildren who live with you any different to your own?

I think it's horrible for an 11 year old to get up by himself and have no company or goodbye in the morning BUT it's his dad's responsibility to do that not yours.

When I was 11-12 there was a period when I had to leave for school before the rest of my family was up. I don’t remember feeling slighted.

Yeah but the dad has arranged himself a job that means he can't get up with his son. That's his responsibility!

YANBU at all.

If your DH leaves at 7.30 then can’t SS get up at 7, get dressed and breakfast and ensure he’s set to go but he time DH says bye? Then SS can do whatever takes his fancy until he leaves?

But you’re a stepmum OP so you’ll get flamed here and told not only should you say goodbye but you should wave him off with a song Von Trapp style and a £20 not to assuage your guilt for stealing his dad and being the OW (every stepmum on MN ‘must’ have been the OW even if they weren’t 😂)

Would you do that with your DD at the same age?

Why can't the child get up before his dad leaves at 7:30?

I do understand the late thing, I work 4-midnight usually, sometimes 5-1am. Are you getting up to say goodbye to DD at all? On nursery days I get up and help out a bit with getting them off to nursery and then go back to bed if DH is taking them, or I take them and go back to bed if DH can't (sometimes he has early shifts). On days both kids are at home, DH usually tries to keep them in morning and start a bit later if I've been working the night before but it's not always possible.

Personally, given it's not a massively late night (that's kind of normal time for us going to sleep anyway) I would probably get up and then just go back to bed, but I would be doing that to see your own child anyway.

Do you not say goodbye to your daughter ?

I am not sure it is fair that you have a lie in every day while your husband does all the morning routines for both kids and you don’t even get up to say good bye to the kids. Getting home at 10:30/11:00 is not so late that you shouldn’t have any parental duties in the morning.

If it was your own 11 year old child, would you be happy for your DH to not get up to see them off? How lonely for the child, I feel sorry for them.
Very mean not to. You’re a family. All this he’s not your child you have no responsibility towards him is utter nonsense, it’s a very cold attitude.

I think on the days that your dh isn't at home to see your ds off, you should get up. 11 is a bit young to get yourself ready and take yourself off to school. Monitoring teeth brushing etc isn't required for an 11 yr old tho.

But if your dh is at home there's no way in hell I'd get up.

i think it’s nice for them to have someone to say goodbye to in the morning and see them off but equally if you need to sleep then that’s what you need to do. What timings are we talking about? If you’re going to bed at midnight then getting up at 8 isn’t so bad is it? Although surely he’s seeing your DH before he goes to work?

At that age my mum no longer got up with me. Instead I would stick my head around her bedroom door and say goodbye just before heading out.

Good point, also are you not getting up because he's not yours? I go to bed 12/1am and get up for my DS (14) at 6am- I like to make sure he's had a decent breakfast and find this a good time to talk because I don't get to do it because of evening work. (If I had a step child I wouldn't treat them any different)

I'm assuming he doesn't get up to an empty house if dh is up sorting dd? He could get up earlier?

But I do think you could get up and say goodbye at 8am if you've been in bed at midnight.

Your DH does every morning routine and you get weekday lie ins currently.

I'm guessing at the weekend you do both get ups and he gets the lie in then?

But DSS or not. You married his father so I don't get "he's not my child" sentiment. Take on the dad. Take on their children.

I thought you were going to say you get in or to sleep about 4am!

if you get to bed at midnight then you’re getting nearly 8 hours still. If it were me I’d get up. I do think it’s mean of you.

I wish I had a lie in every day! It's not every day, it's 3 days max when I'm on lates, every other week. The next week I'll be on earlies and out of the house before 5am and the 2 days I'm not in work I have DD all day. DHs days for lie ins are at the weekend. He's not hard done to when it comes to parenting.

I've suggested before he just get SS up not long before he leaves but he doesn't want to wake him up before necessary. Instead he'll come in and wake me up on purpose to remind me to say bye to him 🙄

There's lots of talk about what I'd do with my child when they are 11. Firstly if I felt so strongly about it, I would make it happen myself i.e. get him up at 7 when I'm there. I wouldn't pass it on to my partner that didn't get into bed until nearly 1am the night before.

Also a shift worker, I spent years finishing work at 2am and getting up at 7 so see the kids to school. Finishing at 10:30/11 isn’t late!

DH could get him up at 7!

I started leaving before DS when he was 10. He just got up with me or a bit after, and was dressed and had had breakfast before I left. Is there a reason the child can not get up at 6:30 or 7 and have breakfast with dad and sibling?