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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get out of bed just to say bye.

700 replies

LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:11

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/06/2023 07:46

Are you working the days after a late?

Freefall212 · 30/06/2023 07:46

Why don’t you get up during the week and then each of you take a weekend day to lie in. That way there is someone up with the kids everyday and you each get one lie in day.

CherryLipgloss · 30/06/2023 07:46

I think some of the people replying (and perhaps your DH too) don't realise how tiring it is to work shifts.

Freefall212 · 30/06/2023 07:47

rookiemere · 30/06/2023 07:45

If the DSS is otherwise loved and cared for, it's not going to kill him to go to school without a wee wave a couple of days a week, or indeed get up a bit early so his own DF can do it. 11 is just about old enough to understand that sometimes things aren't perfect.

If it was because you were being lazy, then I can just about see his point. But if you don't get in from work until 10.30/11pm then need a bit of time to wind down, then it's understandable that it's better not to be getting up super early as it interrupts your sleep pattern. Some mumsnetters may be able to survive on 3 hrs sleep a night, but not all of us are made like that.

If DH insists on it, then tell him you'll need to find a day job/cut your shifts short or give up work.

Even if she went to bed at midnight and got up at 8:00, that is plenty of sleep when you are a parent with kids. No one is talking 3 hours of sleep.

MumblesParty · 30/06/2023 07:49

So after 8 hours sleep you still can’t be bothered to get up for 5 minutes to greet your step son and wave him off to school? That’s just mean.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/06/2023 07:49

YANBU. He isn't your child so not really your responsibility. But I do think you're being a bit mean.

Personally, I would make the effort to get up if it were my child, especially as you're not home that late and he doesn't leave that early. And I would never marry someone with a child unless I was willing to treat that child as my own.

So in your situation, I would get up, but I see why you don't want to.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 30/06/2023 07:50

I'm sure I've read this before, or at least something incredibly similar.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/06/2023 07:52

Do what your DH is effectively suggesting is that he gets 2 lie ins a week and you get none.

And that hes not willing to wake his son up before he goes out, but he does wake you up before he goes out.

I do get that it might be nice for the son to have a bit of a transition from being taken to school, to getting himself ready for school and leaving with no support. But then it's also not like you aren't there at all and Im sure if he needed you he would come and get you.

the only fair compromise would be that your DH gives up one of his weekend lie ins so you still get one. I think it's a bit shit he hasnt offered that tbh rather than just decide you get none

tidalway · 30/06/2023 07:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

fancreek · 30/06/2023 07:54

Why are people bothered about the 'poor boy having no one to say bye to' on the late shift days, but not on the early shift days when he's home alone in the mornings?

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets u

I don't see any issue with you not getting up OP - but more important how does DSS feel?

Kirstyshine · 30/06/2023 07:55

Your H sounds inconsiderate of your needs. You need a talk about how this makes you feel. And yes, he needs to go to work later if he wants this for his son, or agree a rota with you where you get up eg once in a week of lates and he goes in late twice. His waking you is unacceptable and while I don’t think tit for tat the way to go, I would leave the relationship over the underlying attitude rather than do this, I can see why you talk about waking him on the weekends.

I’ve realised I need quite a lot more sleep than my husband since pregnancy, kids and now menopause. It’s not ‘fair’ but it’s normal for women to need more sleep. My husband helps me get that, when it’s possible, because he loves me and wants me to be happy. That’s normal.

Original poster
LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:57

but more important how does DSS feel?

I don't think he cares, he was very eager to start walking because he meets his friends at the end of our street and goes with them.

OP posts:
Freefall212 · 30/06/2023 07:58

CherryLipgloss · 30/06/2023 07:46

I think some of the people replying (and perhaps your DH too) don't realise how tiring it is to work shifts.

I worked shifts for years and I don’t know of any coworkers who don’t get up in the mornings when they are on evenings. You don’t see your family all day when you are on evenings as you leave for work before they are home and they are all in bed when you get home so if you don’t get up in the mornings you don’t see them at all.

It is also a hard on the other parent who has to solo parent all the mornings and evenings when you are at work.

And it means you have days to yourself at home while everyone is at work / school / nursery - which is a lot of hours of free time that your spouse never gets.

JupiterFortified · 30/06/2023 07:58

LifeIsPainHighness · 30/06/2023 07:20

YANBU at all.

If your DH leaves at 7.30 then can’t SS get up at 7, get dressed and breakfast and ensure he’s set to go but he time DH says bye? Then SS can do whatever takes his fancy until he leaves?

But you’re a stepmum OP so you’ll get flamed here and told not only should you say goodbye but you should wave him off with a song Von Trapp style and a £20 not to assuage your guilt for stealing his dad and being the OW (every stepmum on MN ‘must’ have been the OW even if they weren’t 😂)

👌

Original poster
LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:59

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/06/2023 07:46

Are you working the days after a late?

No I'm on another late, I start at 11am until 10pm but quite often I have to stay behind (patient based work so can't just leave bang on time all the time).

OP posts:
Curtains70 · 30/06/2023 08:00

Poor kid. I think it's too young to be alone in the morning to be honest.

As parents you really should be able to sort out having somebody there with him.

Dibbydoos · 30/06/2023 08:00

If you're awake he could pop up to say bye to you, but if you're asleep, then you're asleep.

Your DH should leave for work later and not ask you to go without sleep.

Original poster
LadyDane · 30/06/2023 08:01

And it means you have days to yourself at home while everyone is at work / school / nursery - which is a lot of hours of free time that your spouse never gets.

When?! I'm either working lates so in at 11am or out before 5am when on the earlier shift. The other two days I don't work I am home with DD all day (she isn't in nursery those days). And then at the weekend I'm the one who gets up early with DD so DH can have a lie in. When is all this time I get at home by myself?!

OP posts:
BadgerFacedCoo · 30/06/2023 08:01

LifeIsPainHighness · 30/06/2023 07:20

YANBU at all.

If your DH leaves at 7.30 then can’t SS get up at 7, get dressed and breakfast and ensure he’s set to go but he time DH says bye? Then SS can do whatever takes his fancy until he leaves?

But you’re a stepmum OP so you’ll get flamed here and told not only should you say goodbye but you should wave him off with a song Von Trapp style and a £20 not to assuage your guilt for stealing his dad and being the OW (every stepmum on MN ‘must’ have been the OW even if they weren’t 😂)

Love how sensitive you all are.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/06/2023 08:01

Does DSS mind? Or does he accept that having the extra time in bed is ‘paid for’ by getting himself out of the house? Has anyone asked him, or suggested that he is 11 and can make his own decision on this : get up earlier, breakfast either his sister, stay in bed, get out on his own.

Original poster
LadyDane · 30/06/2023 08:03

People are literally making things up now it's hilarious. I never have days to myself at home whilst everyone is out that's utter rubbish and I do far more parenting than DH does aside from taking DD to nursery in the mornings and collecting her 3x a week.

OP posts:
ZillionDayStreak · 30/06/2023 08:05

I get up and see my 12yo off, even though she’s more than capable of sorting herself out, because I like to have the time with her and to chat for 10 minutes over breakfast.

DH does not, as he loves his sleep, so if I’m not there in the morning then she is by herself. Different people, different choices. Both acceptable.

In your situation, I’d give DSS the choice of an earlier wake up and time with dad, or seeing himself off.

BringItOnxxx · 30/06/2023 08:05

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/06/2023 07:52

Do what your DH is effectively suggesting is that he gets 2 lie ins a week and you get none.

And that hes not willing to wake his son up before he goes out, but he does wake you up before he goes out.

I do get that it might be nice for the son to have a bit of a transition from being taken to school, to getting himself ready for school and leaving with no support. But then it's also not like you aren't there at all and Im sure if he needed you he would come and get you.

the only fair compromise would be that your DH gives up one of his weekend lie ins so you still get one. I think it's a bit shit he hasnt offered that tbh rather than just decide you get none

Getting up for 5 mins and going back to bed is still a lie in.

JustFrustrated · 30/06/2023 08:05

I don't get up for my own 11 year old 🤷🏼‍♀️ she comes in and gives me a kiss and cuddle and then leaves.
I may wander down for a drink and have a quick chat with her.

But she prefers it this way, she feels more responsible and preparing for her transition in September.

How does your stepson feel? Does he mind?

KittyCatStevens · 30/06/2023 08:06

YABU