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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get out of bed just to say bye.

700 replies

LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:11

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

OP posts:
Georgieporgie29 · 30/06/2023 08:41

I would tell him that if he keeps waking you up in the morning to get up with DSS and you don’t get any lie ins (I know it’s not really a lie in but just a full nights sleep) then you will return the favour and start waking him up at the same time at weekends. I could understand if your DH made sure he went to work later when you are on the early shift so that DSS wasn’t on his own but it seems as long as he isn’t inconvenienced then it’s fine.

billy1966 · 30/06/2023 08:42

LadyDane · 30/06/2023 08:32

I'm asleep, the odd time I end up waking up naturally I'll get up. DH barges in before he leaves regardless as to whether I'm asleep or not to tell me to get up with SS.

Show quote history

Nasty and bullying.

I think you need to realise this and take it very seriously OP.

This is much bigger than you realise IMO and neither normal or healthy.

toosweaty · 30/06/2023 08:43

MrsRachelDanvers · 30/06/2023 07:18

I agree she doesn’t have to get up to see him off-at 11 he should be fine. But there is this weird narrative on Mumsnet about stepchildren-he is not your child so you have no interaction with them. He lives with them, he is her daughter’s sibling fgs. They are a family-would you really treat stepchildren who live with you any different to your own?

Show quote history

I totally agree. I hated reading this 'it's not your child'. A) This person is not an 'it', but a 'he' and B) he is her step child, just not biological. Imagine being that child and reading that line - ugh

Mariposista · 30/06/2023 08:43

pilates · 30/06/2023 07:21

Would you do that with your DD at the same age?

This is exactly what I was thinking. 11 is very young still.

newrubylane · 30/06/2023 08:44

helpfulperson · 30/06/2023 08:26

Why are women such martyrs? Your SS manages absolutely fine to get up in an empty house and leave for school himself when you are on earlies. Of course he doesn't need you to get up with him when you are on lates. I think a part of women complaining that men don't pull their weight comes from men refusing to martyr themselves to the completely ridiculous lengths some women do.

Totally agree. Some posters calling the OP 'selfish' for doing something as basic as getting a little bit of extra sleep. God forbid a woman should do something that suits herself rather than everyone else occasionally.

Blendiful · 30/06/2023 08:45

If you 'have' to get up, which I don't agree with cause there is no need.

Then you get one of the weekend lie in days. Tell DH this.

I am sure he won't want to lose his lie ins!

IncomingTraffic · 30/06/2023 08:46

Xeren · 30/06/2023 08:38

Would you get up for your own kids at that age? If so, then it’s nice to get up for your SS too.

why? His own father can’t be arsed to see him before he leaves.

Stop holding women responsible for parenting their husbands’ children because their husbands don’t.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 30/06/2023 08:51

OP said she doesn't get to bed till 1am and DH wakes her around 7am ish. I doubt she instantly snores away the second her head hits the pillow at 1am so allowing time to fall asleep and then DH waking her to demand she says bye to DSS before he leaves would be 6 hours (ish).

Booklover40 · 30/06/2023 08:52

LadyDane · 30/06/2023 08:32

I'm asleep, the odd time I end up waking up naturally I'll get up. DH barges in before he leaves regardless as to whether I'm asleep or not to tell me to get up with SS.

Show quote history

See, this is the crux of it.

Take out all the semantics of timings and who gets the most sleep.

You've told your dh you need to sleep and not to wake you up yet he barges in when you've been on lates to purposely wake you and demand you do what HE wants you to do.

He's a fucking bully and a dickhead.

Stop letting him lie in on the weekends and see how he likes it.

HappyintheHills · 30/06/2023 08:52

He should not be barging in to wake you up to remind you to do something you have not agreed to. Can’t you put a do not disturb note on door and a wedge under?
If he’s going to wake anyone it should be his son.

Sunshineandflipflops · 30/06/2023 08:54

I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my 11 year old to get up, ready and to leave on his own but then my 15 year old still needs chivvying along in the mornings and I like to say bye/remind them of anything they need reminding of, etc. My 17 year old is fine but to be honest, them being up and about wakes me anyway as I am a light sleeper and they seem to do everything noisily!

If you are getting to bed at around midnight and your dh is taking your youngest to nursery then I don't think getting up at 7.30am is unreasonable. You can always go back to bed after he has gone.

namechanged052023 · 30/06/2023 08:55

I don’t think YABU at all, I used to work lates 4 days a week and DH would make me get up with him the next morning and it was exhausting running on 5-6 hours sleep max every day without fail. 11 does seem a bit young to get himself to school but that’s his Dads problem not yours.

Freefall212 · 30/06/2023 08:55

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 30/06/2023 08:51

OP said she doesn't get to bed till 1am and DH wakes her around 7am ish. I doubt she instantly snores away the second her head hits the pillow at 1am so allowing time to fall asleep and then DH waking her to demand she says bye to DSS before he leaves would be 6 hours (ish).

She is home by 1030 or 1100. An hour of winding down gets her to bed by 1130 or 1200.

Sunshineandflipflops · 30/06/2023 08:55

Bit, my dc get up at 7am so I don't see why your SS can't get up then and your dh say bye to him/make sure he is all sorted for the day.

Sunshineandflipflops · 30/06/2023 08:55

*BUT ffs

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/06/2023 08:56

This isnt a step son vs biological son issue

The OP had been getting to the son to school previously so she's not a stepmother who does nothing for the children

This is a man thinking he has a right to opt out of parenting first thing in the morning 2 days a week but arbitrarily deciding a woman has no right to a lie in and waking her up even earlier than she would need to wake up if she was seeing the son off

This is a man's work vs a woman's work issue

gooseduckchicken · 30/06/2023 08:58

All this "not your child, not your responsibility" nonsense - would the posters that think like this have a problem with the stepmum not being invited to the stepchild's wedding/adult birthday celebrations/christenings and birthdays of stepgrandchildren because she's not their mum.

Some people forget that children will grow up and make their own decisions.

I think OP and her DH should stop comparing the minutes that each of them have to sleep and get over themselves. Having kids means less sleep.

yellowsmileyface · 30/06/2023 08:59

Highlyflavouredgravy · 30/06/2023 08:14

The idea of a year 6 child getting up alone, getting breakfast alone, getting organised forxschool alone etc is awful.

Really awful. It doesn't matter which adult , but his adults need to step up and stop putting their own needs and wants first.

"Really awful" feels quite dramatic. I used to get myself ready for school at that age. Didn't bother me. I used to rather enjoy the peace and quiet, having a bit of time to myself to watch Nickelodeon before school.

I don't know why MN seems to think him being on his own in the morning is going to traumatise and emotionally scar him for life.

jojo2202 · 30/06/2023 09:01

if he's living with you, you're his parent. he's not just your partners child. an 11 year old is too little to get themselves up and out, have some feeling towards the poor kid and give him some care in the morning. Your other half can't do it if he leaves too early, yes he can get him up but the child needs to be seen out the door and wished a good day etc.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/06/2023 09:01

gooseduckchicken · 30/06/2023 08:58

All this "not your child, not your responsibility" nonsense - would the posters that think like this have a problem with the stepmum not being invited to the stepchild's wedding/adult birthday celebrations/christenings and birthdays of stepgrandchildren because she's not their mum.

Some people forget that children will grow up and make their own decisions.

I think OP and her DH should stop comparing the minutes that each of them have to sleep and get over themselves. Having kids means less sleep.

Means less sleep for the OP

She gets home on lates, does the night wakings with the little one and then her husband barges in on her before 7am to wake her up

He meanwhile doesn't do those night wakings and gets 2 full lie ins at the weekend

Doesn't seem to mean less sleep for him

mrsm43s · 30/06/2023 09:02

TBH, I don't think that working til 10pm gives you a free pass to get out of getting up and doing the morning routine with the children (alongside your DH, of course). I'd be livid if my DH thought he could shirk morning responsibilities because he was rota'd on til 10pm!

Eat your dinner in your dinner break at work (legally you must have one every 6 hours, so if finishing at 10 the earliest it could be is 4pm), go to bed when you get home, rather than staying up for another hour or two. There's no reason you can't keep normal sleeping/waking/eating hours when working 11am - 10pm.

Get up in the morning and pull your weight alongside DH with getting your DD up and dressed (and therefore you'll be up for SS anyway.)

BUT, this does mean you are entitled to an equal share of the weekend lay ins. Take one day each.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/06/2023 09:03

jojo2202 · 30/06/2023 09:01

if he's living with you, you're his parent. he's not just your partners child. an 11 year old is too little to get themselves up and out, have some feeling towards the poor kid and give him some care in the morning. Your other half can't do it if he leaves too early, yes he can get him up but the child needs to be seen out the door and wished a good day etc.

But the DP is happy to leave him alone when the OP is on earlies

He's not schrodingers child he cant simultaneously be too young to get ready by himself and old enough to get ready by himself depending on whether the man needs to accomodate the child or the woman does

ProseccoandPizza · 30/06/2023 09:05

Honestly can’t understand this. I’ve worked permanent part time evenings since DS was 9. I’ve never ever not got up with him before school. He’s now 12 and even when I finish at 2/3am I still get up with both him and the dog.

IncomingTraffic · 30/06/2023 09:07

gooseduckchicken · 30/06/2023 08:58

All this "not your child, not your responsibility" nonsense - would the posters that think like this have a problem with the stepmum not being invited to the stepchild's wedding/adult birthday celebrations/christenings and birthdays of stepgrandchildren because she's not their mum.

Some people forget that children will grow up and make their own decisions.

I think OP and her DH should stop comparing the minutes that each of them have to sleep and get over themselves. Having kids means less sleep.

But every one of those examples is a ‘not my mum’ situation.

Not sitting with your husband at SCs weddings, not getting a graduation ticket, not being ‘grandma’… all standard for SMs.

The cake and eating it model for parents in stepfamilies is a problem. You’re supposed to ‘treat them as your own’ when it means being unpaid childcare or cleaning services. Or when it involves paying for things. But if you want to be involved in decisions or nice events… they’re not your children and you must stay in your lane.

It’s a shitty lane. Full of pot holes and puddles. While your husband drives along on a nice, well maintained road - often splashing you and with all the crap ending up in your gutter of a lane.

Theunamedcat · 30/06/2023 09:09

Well everyone on this thread has made me feel really neglectful my dd (biological child) began getting herself up dressed breakfasted and out the door at age NINE I had a hard night with her brother the night before her brother and I were still asleep so she cracked on and left us to it stuck a note on her bed saying she was at school once she started she carried on I must check with her to see how neglected she felt...