Page 27 | To not get out of bed just to say bye.

LadyDane · 2023-06-30T06:11:30+00:00

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight. My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am. He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year. Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'. There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late. AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

Minikievs · 04/07/2023 16:39

I missed this thread at the weekend.

It's really made me laugh! Some of the replies are utterly bonkers!

OP YADNBU in the slightest, DH can absolutely get him up 15 mins earlier if he's that bothered.
I think a PP hit the nail on the head about it being a control thing and your DH not wanting you to get a "lie in" (although it's NOT a lie in!!) as he's ok to leave him on his own when you're on earlies!

IncomingTraffic · 04/07/2023 17:40

As a full time working parent, getting up earlier than you'd want to take care of house/chores and children is just.. parenting 😂

but this is not parenting.

The OP is not this child’s parent.

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 20:17

Really?? Are people seriously treating children who live in their house who are siblings to their own children as not needing parenting? Sorry what? What sort of message does that send a child!

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 20:19

for all those insinuating there’s sexist undertones and how the father should be doing it…
what would the response be if it was the other way round? Stepfather would be dragged over the coals for ignoring a child and people certainly wouldn’t be saying oh he needs his sleep he shouldn’t have to parent as it’s not his child! Double standards.

aSofaNearYou · 04/07/2023 20:24

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 20:19

for all those insinuating there’s sexist undertones and how the father should be doing it…
what would the response be if it was the other way round? Stepfather would be dragged over the coals for ignoring a child and people certainly wouldn’t be saying oh he needs his sleep he shouldn’t have to parent as it’s not his child! Double standards.

I don't think that proves a double standard, it proves the lack of one. The people who are on OPs side here would be saying the same if it were a man speaking. And the people who think she is being unreasonable, would say the same if she were a man.

A man certainly would not be dragged over the coals by me, I would think exactly the same.

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 20:29

i have seen plenty of comments saying “ not her child” “‘doesn’t need to parent it’s the dads job”
i do believe that many would not feel that way if it was bio mum and step dad. Step dads are expected to step up literally, yet reading comments like I have it appears there’s not the same expectation for mums? That to me is a double standard.

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 20:35

Everyone seems to miss the point where the dad is getting the daughter ready for nursery and taking her on way to work? Are people honestly suggesting he also should see his son in the morning as well so that the OP can stay in bed and do nothing?
I have worked for the NHS for 10 years and done years of shift work.. becoming a parent is a choice, even step parenting . You chose to get in a marriage with a man who has regular contact with his son, to dismiss that and refuse any part in making that child feel secure and comfortable in order to stay in bed for over 8 hours is beyond weird. All parents make sacrifices- what about single parents? Working every hour and juggling it all. Why does the OP act like she is anything out of the norm simply because she works for NHS?!

aSofaNearYou · 04/07/2023 20:39

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 20:29

i have seen plenty of comments saying “ not her child” “‘doesn’t need to parent it’s the dads job”
i do believe that many would not feel that way if it was bio mum and step dad. Step dads are expected to step up literally, yet reading comments like I have it appears there’s not the same expectation for mums? That to me is a double standard.

Yes, but you are misinterpreting who those comments would be coming from. I don't think any of the posters that wouldn't expect it from a step mum, would expect it from a step dad. It's the SAME people who would expect it from both.

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 20:50

I’m hypothesising, so as that hasn’t happened you can’t say they wouldn’t definitely think or say that. It’s simply my opinion after seeing many many posts on mumsnet .

phoenixrosehere · 04/07/2023 21:07

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 20:35

Everyone seems to miss the point where the dad is getting the daughter ready for nursery and taking her on way to work? Are people honestly suggesting he also should see his son in the morning as well so that the OP can stay in bed and do nothing?
I have worked for the NHS for 10 years and done years of shift work.. becoming a parent is a choice, even step parenting . You chose to get in a marriage with a man who has regular contact with his son, to dismiss that and refuse any part in making that child feel secure and comfortable in order to stay in bed for over 8 hours is beyond weird. All parents make sacrifices- what about single parents? Working every hour and juggling it all. Why does the OP act like she is anything out of the norm simply because she works for NHS?!

Everyone seems to miss the point where the dad is getting the daughter ready for nursery and taking her on way to work?

Only three days a week while OP does the other four days of getting up with their daughter and his son.

Are people honestly suggesting he also should see his son in the morning as well so that the OP can stay in bed and do nothing?

It’s a few days a month that she is doing this and she works early shifts most of the time where she is gone out of the house before her DH and the children are awake. Since she does mostly early shifts, she doesn’t see the SS anyway in the mornings and his dad leaves him to get to school on his own those three days a week so he is already used to not seeing OP in the mornings.

If her DH gets lie-ins, she should be getting one too. He has an issue with his son leaving an empty house yet has no qualms about doing so when OP is usually at work and he leave him himself. He only has an issue when OP has these few days of later shifts when that is the only time she seems to get a lie-in. He can easily give up one of his lie-ins on the weekend hit he hasn’t thought to propose that only that OP should have none.

bringincrazyback · 04/07/2023 21:07

In the time I've been on Mumsnet I've noticed that there's little that infuriates some posters more than people who dare to prioritise getting the rest they need if it happens to impact anyone else in even the tiniest way. This thread is the perfect example of that, and yes I do think OP is receiving a bigger dose of ire because she is female and thus, in some people's minds, meant to be endlessly self-sacrificing.

OP is entitled to prioritise getting the rest she needs in order to function. Tbh I think some on here are touchy about the subject of rest and sleep because they're running on empty and think everyone else should be too.

HolyMolyGoodness · 04/07/2023 21:30

I think the point here is that OP and her DH, their DD and DS (whether step or not) are a family unit. What seems to be the case is that DH and OP have come to a team arrangement that is not working for either of them. Both are unhappy with the current set up in the mornings.

I would suggest they sit down and work out an alternative that does work for them both.

That may mean exploring some longer term changes to jobs or changes to the way that they share parenting duties for both children.

I agree that with marriage comes acceptance that OP has shared responsibility for DSS and should treat him as an equal to DD.

I feel sad to think of this child not having any company in the morning and no adult to help him get ready for school. If it were me, I would definitely get up for him. And I would be talking to DH about longer term changes we might need to make.

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 21:36

Why is there even an argument about lie ins?? Why aren’t they both getting up together to spend time as a family? Sorry I find it all weird.. it’s more about who’s entitled to what , not about being a family and pulling together and doing things collaboratively.

aSofaNearYou · 04/07/2023 21:40

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 21:36

Why is there even an argument about lie ins?? Why aren’t they both getting up together to spend time as a family? Sorry I find it all weird.. it’s more about who’s entitled to what , not about being a family and pulling together and doing things collaboratively.

Because people get tired.

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 21:44

Yes. We all get tired.. why is there a scheduled lie in every week?! It’s very entitled when you compare it to what some people have to juggle.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 04/07/2023 21:47

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 21:44

Yes. We all get tired.. why is there a scheduled lie in every week?! It’s very entitled when you compare it to what some people have to juggle.

Small children work in mines to get the minerals to make your phone work, you coming on here to moan about other people's lie ins is very entitled when you compare it to what some people have to juggle.

It's not a race to the bottom where because some people can't have a lie on no one should have one. No one gets a prize for biggest martyr.

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 21:51

The OP is the martyr… personally if my husband said he insisted on having lie ins every weekend I’d tell him to do one .. equally I’m sure he would to me. It’s about team work, not well you had an extra hour this day so I’ll have one that day or it’s not fair! This whole issue is more about comparing the OP to what her husband supposedly does or has more than her.
there are thousands of single parents ( not through choice) working and juggling life. Imagine they would feel they won the lottery to have the opportunity for a lie in or to share the work load.

Cucucucu · 05/07/2023 00:05

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 20:35

Everyone seems to miss the point where the dad is getting the daughter ready for nursery and taking her on way to work? Are people honestly suggesting he also should see his son in the morning as well so that the OP can stay in bed and do nothing?
I have worked for the NHS for 10 years and done years of shift work.. becoming a parent is a choice, even step parenting . You chose to get in a marriage with a man who has regular contact with his son, to dismiss that and refuse any part in making that child feel secure and comfortable in order to stay in bed for over 8 hours is beyond weird. All parents make sacrifices- what about single parents? Working every hour and juggling it all. Why does the OP act like she is anything out of the norm simply because she works for NHS?!

Absolutely spot on

bringincrazyback · 05/07/2023 12:38

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 20:35

Everyone seems to miss the point where the dad is getting the daughter ready for nursery and taking her on way to work? Are people honestly suggesting he also should see his son in the morning as well so that the OP can stay in bed and do nothing?
I have worked for the NHS for 10 years and done years of shift work.. becoming a parent is a choice, even step parenting . You chose to get in a marriage with a man who has regular contact with his son, to dismiss that and refuse any part in making that child feel secure and comfortable in order to stay in bed for over 8 hours is beyond weird. All parents make sacrifices- what about single parents? Working every hour and juggling it all. Why does the OP act like she is anything out of the norm simply because she works for NHS?!

Ensuring one rests properly is not 'doing nothing'.

And you can't accurately assess whether someone is getting enough sleep (either quantity- or quality-wise) simply from the total number of hours spent in bed.

Lacucuracha · 05/07/2023 12:49

fedupofthedrama · 04/07/2023 20:35

Everyone seems to miss the point where the dad is getting the daughter ready for nursery and taking her on way to work? Are people honestly suggesting he also should see his son in the morning as well so that the OP can stay in bed and do nothing?
I have worked for the NHS for 10 years and done years of shift work.. becoming a parent is a choice, even step parenting . You chose to get in a marriage with a man who has regular contact with his son, to dismiss that and refuse any part in making that child feel secure and comfortable in order to stay in bed for over 8 hours is beyond weird. All parents make sacrifices- what about single parents? Working every hour and juggling it all. Why does the OP act like she is anything out of the norm simply because she works for NHS?!

You seem to be missing the fact that DSS already gets up to an empty house on days when OP has already left for work.

He is already in a routine of being independent, OP getting up to see wave him off is superfluous.

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 05/07/2023 13:21

You seem to be missing the fact that DSS already gets up to an empty house on days when OP has already left for work.

of course, always that race to the bottom.

It doesn't matter what happens when his dad and step-mother have to be at work, he could be making his own diner twice a week, it doesn't mean he should have to do it too when an adult is home and just can't be bothered because it's not their child.

Lacucuracha · 05/07/2023 13:24

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 05/07/2023 13:21

You seem to be missing the fact that DSS already gets up to an empty house on days when OP has already left for work.

of course, always that race to the bottom.

It doesn't matter what happens when his dad and step-mother have to be at work, he could be making his own diner twice a week, it doesn't mean he should have to do it too when an adult is home and just can't be bothered because it's not their child.

It's not that she can't be bothered, it's because she's sleeping after a late night working.

You are one of those people who think women should subsist on little sleep to serve others.

You and others have ignored people who have said they were getting themselves at 11 when their mum was in bed.

bringincrazyback · 05/07/2023 14:00

I may not have caught all the OP's posts, so this may not have already been answered, but have any of you who are baying about how terrible it is for the poor ickle child actually stopped to think that the kid in question may a) not mind, and/or b) might actually enjoy the independence and the peace first thing in the morning? Not all kids need to be fawned all over in the morning.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/07/2023 15:37

Feel so sorry for all the women on here who feel that as women they have to self sacrifice and serve others. The patriarchy has really done a number on you all.

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 05/07/2023 16:12

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/07/2023 15:37

Feel so sorry for all the women on here who feel that as women they have to self sacrifice and serve others. The patriarchy has really done a number on you all.

I feel so sorry for all the kids, and mainly step-kids on here who are not their step-parent problem.

ADULTS, man or woman, are not martyr when they just parent and show the most basic politeness towards a CHILD. The thread would be a lot more aggressive if the OP was a man.

It' not like the OP goes to bed at 3am and does need a lie-in.