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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get out of bed just to say bye.

700 replies

LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:11

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

OP posts:
MossCow · 30/06/2023 07:33

Perhaps your husband could stay at home longer in the mornings to be with his son and you could drop your daughter off so he had some extra time.

Theoldgreygoose · 30/06/2023 07:33

WilkinsonM · 30/06/2023 07:19

Yeah but the dad has arranged himself a job that means he can't get up with his son. That's his responsibility!

Show quote history

Oh yeah, it's so easy to find a job which fits in with a child leaving for school!!!! Ffs. I don't know why some people bother to have a relationship with someone who has a child. If you don't want to do things for the child then don't get into a relationship with the parent.

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 30/06/2023 07:34

Why are you with him when he comes with such an encumbrance? I totally see his point of view, and I think you're being quite mean. Why exactly did you have a child with this man if you weren't prepared to treat his elder child well?

Azandme · 30/06/2023 07:34

3 days a fortnight?

I'd get up at 8 to see him off. Eight hours of sleep is plenty for an adult.

I don't understand why you wouldn't.

Weal · 30/06/2023 07:35

I do think it’s sad for a year 6 child to be getting up alone most mornings and not seeing anyone before leaving. However that is his dads responsibility to sort. Not yours. He needs to alter his work to fit his childcare responsibilities.

EmeraldFox · 30/06/2023 07:35

Could the child knock on your door and come in and say goodbye before he leaves?

Hugasauras · 30/06/2023 07:36

I don't think it's a massively late shift tbh. I work much later than that and still get up at 6/7 to help get kids ready to on nursery days cos doing it solo is shit and I can go back to bed after! I quite enjoy that morning time then I take a cup of tea and go back to bed.

But if you don't want to then that's all there is to it I guess.

Freefall212 · 30/06/2023 07:36

He does all the morning routines for your daughter when you are on early and lates.

Getting his son up early and cutting his sleep short makes no sense. It isn’t that his son can’t get up in his own and get to school, it is just that doing that while the at home parent sleeps in would be infuriating.

You also don’t see your own daughter in the mornings either 5 days a week.

Most parents get up in the morning. You don’t. He has a right to be irritated at that.

Original poster
LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:36

If you don't want to do things for the child then don't get into a relationship with the parent

Its quite funny you say this because before he walked to school it was me who got up and took him every day unless I was on an early.

I feel like if now DH still feels like he needs someone in the mornings he can take some of the responsibility and get him up earlier before he leaves. I've done years of this before he was old enough to get to school himself.

OP posts:
doubleoseven · 30/06/2023 07:37

BUT it's his dad's responsibility to do that not yours.

BUT his dad is dropping OP's dd at nursery. So yes I think the least she can do is get up with the other child who lives in the house. It's not even every week.
Or his dad could stay behind and OP can drop her dd at nursery as presumably nursery drop off means he has to leave earlier.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/06/2023 07:37

What time do you get up after your later shift?

Original poster
LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:38

You also don’t see your own daughter in the mornings either 5 days a week.

Completely wrong. I am home with our DD far more than DH is! I stay home 2 days a week with her, get up every weekend with her so DH can lie in and the only reason I don't see her in the mornings the other 3 days is because I'm either already in work hours before she gets up or I was in work late the night before.

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 30/06/2023 07:38

I used to work similar layers and would be back in work between 9/9:30 the next morning to work another 12-13 hour day. You're home by ten in bed before midnight, would you not be getting up around 7:30 anyway?

Original poster
LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:38

doubleoseven · 30/06/2023 07:37

BUT it's his dad's responsibility to do that not yours.

BUT his dad is dropping OP's dd at nursery. So yes I think the least she can do is get up with the other child who lives in the house. It's not even every week.
Or his dad could stay behind and OP can drop her dd at nursery as presumably nursery drop off means he has to leave earlier.

He's dropping HIS DD at nursery. He's not doing me a favour taking his own daughter to nursery 😂

OP posts:
WildfirePonie · 30/06/2023 07:38

His child, his responsibilty.

So he is waking you up early and not his DS?! Put your foot down.

Can you sleep/stay somewhere else when you're on late shifts as to not be woken by him?

Weal · 30/06/2023 07:39

doubleoseven · 30/06/2023 07:37

BUT it's his dad's responsibility to do that not yours.

BUT his dad is dropping OP's dd at nursery. So yes I think the least she can do is get up with the other child who lives in the house. It's not even every week.
Or his dad could stay behind and OP can drop her dd at nursery as presumably nursery drop off means he has to leave earlier.

I’d assumed dad dropped DD early to nursery because he had to get to work, rather than because DD had to be at nursery.

Zanatdy · 30/06/2023 07:39

Year 6 is young to get himself up and ready but it’s certainly do-able and sounds like it’s not every day so it’s fine. I agree it’s his responsibility - if he’s uncomfortable with it then he can ask to start later on those 3 days, or he gets him up around 7 so he knows he’s up etc.

Original poster
LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:40

UndercoverCop · 30/06/2023 07:38

I used to work similar layers and would be back in work between 9/9:30 the next morning to work another 12-13 hour day. You're home by ten in bed before midnight, would you not be getting up around 7:30 anyway?

I'm not home by 10. It's usually around 11 (as I said in my OP) and I then need to eat, wash, and wind down, I can't just get in bed and sleep immediately so it's often after midnight before I get in bed. I then am usually on a late again the next day so like to sleep in a little bit in readiness for that.

The following week I'll be on earlies and out of the house before 5am.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 30/06/2023 07:40

I'd stagger down in my dressing gown, make sure he had everything he needed, wave him goodbye then stagger back to bed with a cup of tea. But I'd do that for any child going off to school, step or otherwise. Particularly if the other parent was doing the nursery run.

Surprisedbysummer · 30/06/2023 07:40

As a pp said. There is a weird narrative on MN about step children. I have noticed if a woman remarries and she has a child there is a lot of talk as coming as a unit and an expectation that their new husband treat her child as his own and not differentiate between his step child and future children. If a woman marries a man who already has a child according to any MN posters, it is ok to have nothing to do with them and refuse to help parent them. It's a bit like the MN mantra that his money is expected to be shared equally and hers is hers alone. I have also noticed increasing fury about divorce when the wife has a house or shares in a house and a real expectation that she gets to keep the house.
I do get that the OP doesn't want to miss her lie in but I feel sorry for her step son learning early on that he is not valued.

Original poster
LadyDane · 30/06/2023 07:42

Perhaps I'll start taking DD out early on a weekend and waking DH up at 7 before I go to remind him to get up.

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 30/06/2023 07:43

So your daughter is also going into nursery earlier than necessary, given you're still at home.
We've always had it that whoever needs to be in work last takes DS to nursery, on the rate occasion he's had to go in before 8 he's so tired by the end of the day. I'm not working today, DH has just left for work. I went to bed around midnight last night. I'll take DS to nursery for nine, rather than DH taking him in now

Mindymomo · 30/06/2023 07:43

Ask the child if he particularly wants you to get up to see him off. I probably wouldn’t be able to sleep whilst the others were getting ready, so maybe I would get up to see him off. He’s 11, so presumably understands the dynamics of your household. Shift working is very hard, people who’ve never done shifts don’t understand, it does upset the family, but you’ve got to do what’s best for everyone.

eandz13 · 30/06/2023 07:43

Leave a note for him in the morning or shout down to him before he goes "love you bud have a good day" or something along those lines then go back to sleep. Win win

rookiemere · 30/06/2023 07:45

If the DSS is otherwise loved and cared for, it's not going to kill him to go to school without a wee wave a couple of days a week, or indeed get up a bit early so his own DF can do it. 11 is just about old enough to understand that sometimes things aren't perfect.

If it was because you were being lazy, then I can just about see his point. But if you don't get in from work until 10.30/11pm then need a bit of time to wind down, then it's understandable that it's better not to be getting up super early as it interrupts your sleep pattern. Some mumsnetters may be able to survive on 3 hrs sleep a night, but not all of us are made like that.

If DH insists on it, then tell him you'll need to find a day job/cut your shifts short or give up work.