To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

I think people are referring to the mornings alone between DS going to school and you starting work?

If you were your DH in this senario and your DH was the one working lates you would be being told you don't know how stressful working shifts is and that he couldn't possibly be expected to get up to see your son up for school

Step dad's, dad's, grandfathers, uncles, doesn't matter the relationship there's always a far lower weight of expectation on them when it comes to parenting

I guess the whole step thing makes it quite a bit different, DH's responsibility not yours, but I can't imagine leaving my own 11yo to get up to an "empty" house or not seeing him off.

I am a step mother and have been a shift worker and I can't imagine in a million years allowing a child to get themselves off to school without anyone to give them a hug and say goodbye.

This is one of the few sensible comments on here.

If the child isn’t bothered I don’t know why dad is getting his knickers in a twist.

and OP - you won’t get much sympathy on here as you’re a step mum and step mums are evil 😉

He doesn't HAVE to though, he could get up half an hour earlier and see his dad if he really wanted to see someone before he left (I don't actually think SS cares personally, it's more DHs guilt than anything).

I would get up.

I can’t believe people are telling you that you should be participating in some sort of ceremonial parting for an 11 year old going to school.

This is the sort of guilt-based demand non-resident parents tend to make. He’s not making this fuss over saying goodbye to your shared child. Just his 11 year old. He needs to get a grip.

‘@LadyDane is still asleep. She was working late yesterday’ is a totally sensible thing to tell an 11 year old. Who probably doesn’t give a fuck about saying goodbye to his stepmother anyway.

Oh... The couple of hours. When did that become days to myself?

Yabu. If you’re getting to bed at midnight that’s a decent stretch of time.
My ds is 11 and I’d hate for him to have to get up and get himself sorted and breakfasted etc on his own. He doesn’t need much input from me in the mornings but it’s nice to have some human contact before getting to school. I’m not a morning person and wfh mostly. I don’t technically need to get up before 8 on those days, even 8:30 leaves me with time to log on before work, but I get up earlier so I can see ds before he goes to school.
I think you’re being selfish.

Tbh, it sounds like your husband needs to align his work pattern to ensure his son isn’t getting up to an empty house.

And even that is only every other week when I'm on lates, when I'm on earlies I leave way before DH does.

At 11 yo it's not about what they choose though. My 11yo would stay in bed rather than see anyone before he goes out, that doesn't mean it's not a good thing for someone to show him some care in the morning.

Just like they'd choose not to sit at the table as a family, or not to go on a family outing when they could play computer games. They're still important things to do in childhood.

I would.

It's so disrespectful that he's waking you from your much needed rest. Chopping and changing between lates and earlies is really hard on the body and exhausting.

I would have been in boarding school for 2 years at his age and managed perfectly fine without a parent around. Not only does this thread play into the 'you're a woman so your needs come last trope' that we so often see, it largely ignores how beneficial it can be for children to learn independence and resilience.

Yet again he is another man who sees you as a support human, whose needs are less important than his wants. He gets a lie in at the weekend but sees fit to disturb your sleep.

Level the playing field and start disturbing him.

I work shifts and for years when the kids were younger, and then when a parent needed care, I just identified as “tired”, still do to an extent, but come on, 10:30/11 isn’t exactly that late. I get the whole “need to wind down” thing, but sometimes you just don’t have that luxury, I trained myself to get home amd straight to bed years ago. You do what you have to do when you work shifts

The son could get up earlier and see his DF and DSS if he’s that bothered.
The OP isn’t there some days anyway, so he’s no choice but to get up and get out.
I think you have a DH problem.
But the other fact is that, if the child getting himself up and out is a problem, why doesn’t he stay with his mum then and jiggle the days about ? He has two parents, he shouldn’t need a third.

The idea of a year 6 child getting up alone, getting breakfast alone, getting organised forxschool alone etc is awful.

Really awful. It doesn't matter which adult , but his adults need to step up and stop putting their own needs and wants first.

The fact that your DH thinks its okay to leave your son without speaking to him on the days when hes home last, but its not okay for your son to leave without speaking to you when you are home last shows that its not really about the son speaking to someone, or he would get him up earlier on your early shifts so he could see him.

Its just about your time to rest being the least valuable

In that case the DH shouldn't mind getting up to re-settle the little one at the weekends if she wakes up early will he

All this fuss over a few days every other week

he will be absolutely fine, at his age we were in lock down ds spent a lot of time home alone he loved it I would (being a single mum) often leave before he was up I would go on and get his breakfast ready kiss him good bye which his dad can do

he is probably looking at his phone anyway and find conversation with you very boring compared to what his friends are messaging about

This is what I've said to him before. It's like he can't stand me having any sort of lie in. Despite him always needing one at the weekend of course.

I don’t think getting up after 7hrs sleep is particularly bad. At all. I do a 12 hour day 3 times a week (2hr commute either side of the working day) and regularly don’t get to sleep before midnight, even when I have to leave the house at 6.45.

I do think YBU OP. Get him, see him off and go back to bed for an hour if you desperately need more sleep, though 7hrs should be plenty for most adults.

There is absolutely nothing stopping DH just waking him up 15 mins before he leaves the house if he thinks it's so awful. I have spent years before this taking him to school every day of the week (aside from when I've been on earlies).

Your DH could easily wake up his DS before he leaves, so YANBU there. Do you not see your own DD for two whole days when you are on lates though? I would find that hard, and want to be up early to spend some time with her.

I don't think DH waking him up at 7:20 to spend 10/15 mins with him is particularly bad. At all.