To not get out of bed just to say bye.

[LadyDane]

I work shifts, never full night's but early & lates and when I'm on a late I may not get in until 10:30/11pm, then I need to eat, wash and wind down so I can often not be in bed until gone midnight.

My husband tends to leave for work around 7:30am.

He has an older son who stays with us a week on week off. He is 11 and has been walking to school since the start of the year.

Me and DH can't seem to agree on this. DH ensures SS's alarm is set in the evening and he knows to make some cereal and brush teeth and what time he needs to leave but he's always mithering me to get up and 'see him off, say good morning, good bye, doesn't want him getting up to an empty house all the time'.

There is no choice when I'm on earlies as I leave before DH anyway so there is literally no one else in when SS gets up but DH expects me to get up when I've been on lates just to do this. I don't think it's necessary and if he's that bothered he should go into work late.

AIBU not to get up early after working late just to say goodbye?

I'm not sure why you asked if YWBU, as you seem not to accept what others are saying and just stubbornly keep repeating your arguments.

Not unless she wakes in the night (obviously it's me who does all those too). And the odd occasion where I just wake up earlier naturally.

Why did you ask OP? 😆

You could suggest that its actually quite lonely getting home to a house where everyone is already in bed and that actually it would be nice if he stayed up to see you when you get in from work.

And if he doesn't stay up wake him up to say goodnight.

I mean this isn't a serious suggestion because tit for tat never works but technically if you getting home at 11 means you have plenty of sleep and should get up earlier in the morning then him staying up to see you come in should be exactly the same. Maybe not stay up to midnight/1am because he gets up earlier, but still it balances it

Tbf the vote seems to be quite largely in favour of NBU and people have literally made up utter toss to suit their arguments so yes I will correct completely wrong information.

I very much doubt the 11 year is bothered by this. Continue your lie in and tell your DH to stop waking you up. Children are too mollycoddled, it's a great easy / safe way to be independent.

So your dh gets 4 lie-ins a fortnight (at weekends) and you get 3 lie-ins a fortnight (when you're on lates). And yours would only be lie-ins if you got to sleep past 8:30 but dh keeps waking you after 6.5 hours of sleep?

I think you should:

1. have 1 proper lie-in each every weekend
2. ask dh to get up "to say goodbye" before you leave for work on the 3 earlies
3. agree to get up to say goodbye on your 3 lates

That seems equitable. Dh will still get 6.5 hours of sleep if he goes to bed at 10:30 when you're on earlies, and you'll get 6.5 hours if you get up to see ds off when you're on lates.

See what he thinks.

This is what I was going to suggest .

what time does ss leave for school.? I get up for school for my Ds do a few jobs whilst he gets ready then go back to bed for an hour sometimes .

Who don’t you give him a choice I. Ok I’ll wake up early on the 3 days your son is here and no one else does his morning with him….IF I have those 2 lie ins at the weekend instead. I wonder if he would be as happy to give up his lie in to sort the morning issue or if it is just you who is expected to give up sleep time?

My husband does earlies and lates, I do "normal" hours.

On lates, I let DH sleep in and the kids get up when I get up but i leave for work and kids leave for school afterwards..DH often gets up to take them to school because he is awake, but if he doesn't wake up the kids cope perfectly well going to school without speaking to him. So I'm sure your DSS copes just fine, if your DH was worried he could get him up at 7am (which surely is a normal waking time for folk needing to get to school?)

I think DH hates that you're still in bed when he goes to work, being oblivious to the fact you have only been in bed 6 hours.

11 year olds are quite capable of sorting themselves out, some are in senior school at that age. Does DSS also come home to an empty house? Is DH equally concerned about that if he does?

Why are women such martyrs? Your SS manages absolutely fine to get up in an empty house and leave for school himself when you are on earlies. Of course he doesn't need you to get up with him when you are on lates. I think a part of women complaining that men don't pull their weight comes from men refusing to martyr themselves to the completely ridiculous lengths some women do.

What time does DSS leave for school?
Maybe he could pop his head round the door to you to say goodbye before he leaves?
I've got a Y6 boy and need to get up with him otherwise he'd forget his lunch, PE kit etc plus I do his hair for him. But he has executive function issues and is a mummy's boy.
In your case as long as DSS is ok then it's fine.

Absolutely this.

He's getting peaceful lie ins at the weekend?

Time his daughter was sent into to say good morning.

Your husband is a CF.

He doesn't get to decide this.

You need to get extremely pissed off with being woken and in your place I would tell him you now need to share weekend lies ins.

He's being a twat, nip it in the bud.

This is also a great suggestion. Agree on the condition you get a lie in at weekends. It's a win win. He'll either back down quickly if he's inconvenienced or you'll get your lie in at the weekend

How do you calculate she has only been in bed six hours?

If the son isn't bothered, there shouldn't be an issue. He knows he isn't alone in the house and clearly values his own sleep over seeing his dad and sister on those mornings. YANBU and yes, if you take DD out early at the weekend, you should wake DH so he can see you both off.

I think it depends a bit on whether you’re actually asleep in the mornings in question. Or are you laying awake, mooching on your phone or whatever?

Maybe you could exchange his weekend lie in - so you get up with dss in the week and dh gets up with dd at the weekend. I wonder how he would view that?

Tbh you should get more of the weekend lie-ins. Dh gets 10 full nights sleep a fortnight. You get 7, and 3 days when he expects you to get up after 6.5 hours. So you should get 3 weekend lie-ins and he should get 1.

or ds could get himself off to school and you and dh can have 1 lie-in each at the weekend, also fair ...

(6.5 hours - op gets in at 11, goes to bed 2 hours later, gets woken up at 7:30).

I'm asleep, the odd time I end up waking up naturally I'll get up. DH barges in before he leaves regardless as to whether I'm asleep or not to tell me to get up with SS.

Barging in / insisting you get up sounds controlling and bullying

Oh good grief. Start waking him up before you leave when you're on an early. Properly wake him, insist he gets out of bed to say goodbye to you. You'll probably only have to do it once.
And reclaim one of those weekend lie-ins too.

Then I think you’re within your rights. I think some barging in on DH at the weekends is a good way to get the message across.

No I don’t think you need to get up to see him off, if you’re awake you could just shout goodbye otherwise he could get up before his Dad leaves. I never got up for my own kids once they were old enough to walk themselves to school so no way I’d get up for someone else’s

Would you get up for your own kids at that age? If so, then it’s nice to get up for your SS too.