Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have made my relatives uncomfortable?

371 replies

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/06/2023 15:52

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 29/06/2023 15:56

my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

Can you reply to say you tried multiple times to deflect and change the subject but Auntie wasn't listening.
I think if you are comfortable sharing that information with your family then that's fine. It's true, it's real and it's yours to share.

You can't control those people choosing to be offended.

AnotherDayAnotherUsernameForMeAgain · 29/06/2023 15:58

Your aunt was rude, hurtful and unnecessarily pushy. You did nothing wrong.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/06/2023 15:58

Your Aunt needs to feck off. Perhaps this will teach her to keep her nose out.

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 29/06/2023 15:58

Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

she is old enough to know that to keep her nose out of people's business.
Either you don't have more kids because you don't want them, and that has nothing to do with her
or you can't, and she's being a bitch by insulting.

She deserves to be miffed. I would not apologise, but ask for an apology for putting YOU on the spot.

Lovingitallnow · 29/06/2023 16:00

Tell her cousin auntie probably shouldn't discuss peoples fertility if she's likely to be uncomfortable- lesson learned for next time.

CMOTDibbler · 29/06/2023 16:00

You did absolutely nothing wrong. DH once lost it with MIL when she wouldn't leave it alone on the subject of ds apparently needing a sibling and asked her just how many more miscarriages (and she'd known about all the ones it took to get to having ds) did she think we should go through. Apparently he hurt her feelings. He told the flying monkey that his feelings were hurt and he'd been very polite up to that point

Justcallmebebes · 29/06/2023 16:00

I'd reply that it serves her right and maybe she's learned a lesson. Don't bombard people with questions on a sensitive subject that is none of your business

TheEponymousGrub · 29/06/2023 16:00

Your mum and SIL are absolutely right. I bet your Aunt was mortified (her own stupid fault for her thoughtless comments) and blamed it on you to make yourself feel better. Shame on your cousin for not pointing out to her that she only has herself to blame.

MargotBamborough · 29/06/2023 16:01

YANBU.

Who cares if she felt uncomfortable?

She certainly didn't care about whether she was making you feel uncomfortable or worse by prying unto your private life in front of the whole family.

I would reply to your cousin and say you're glad your auntie felt uncomfortable, and that instead of feeling hard done by she should consider it a life lesson in why you don't ask people deeply personal questions about potentially sensitive subjects, especially in front of an audience.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 29/06/2023 16:01

You did nothing wrong. Your aunt however was really rude, maybe that will teach her not to be so rude and pushy

hettie · 29/06/2023 16:01

Well she should be apologising toy you, rude, intrusive, insensitive and persistent.

Lampzade · 29/06/2023 16:03

Your aunt should be apologising to you for putting you in the position where you felt the need to discuss your fertility.
She is embarrassed.

TakeMe2Insanity · 29/06/2023 16:03

You’ve done nothing wrong. She wouldn’t stop. She only stopped when you told her. Don’t even think about making her feel better!

RoseAndRose · 29/06/2023 16:04

I would respond to the cousin.

How depends on how much of a family row you want to have.

My first thought was "I found the repeated questioning on such a private matter thoroughly upsetting, but she would not let the matter rest despite best efforts by me and DH to change the subject. I hope she will never again lecture someone so relentlessly on an intensely personal matter. I fully agree it was neither the time nor the place, but the situation was not of my making"

KimberleyClark · 29/06/2023 16:04

You did nothing wrong. People like the aunt deserve to be made to feel uncomfortable.

Original poster
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/06/2023 16:05

Thanks.

It's been really difficult coming to terms with it and, even though we haven't ruled it out (still trying) but have accepted that it's more likely to not happen. I still go through that pain each month when my period comes. Probably always will. But, that said, I wouldn't change DS for the world and I'd rather have him and only him than not have him at all.

No one else in my family seems to have struggled to have more than 1 DC, Auntie in question had 5. It was really embarrassing to admit in front of everyone but I hate being asked that fucking question!

OP posts:
bananaboats · 29/06/2023 16:06

You did nothing wrong and they should be contacting you to apologise!

Maray1967 · 29/06/2023 16:06

Lovingitallnow · 29/06/2023 16:00

Tell her cousin auntie probably shouldn't discuss peoples fertility if she's likely to be uncomfortable- lesson learned for next time.

Exactly this. How dare your cousin text you that? What the hell???

My view is that people who have a go at others for not having a second child deserve to be made to feel uncomfortable. I have delivered robust responses similar to yours - the offender looked suitably embarrassed. I regard it as a public service - hopefully they will never do it in future to someone else who might cope less well than I did. If I’d received that text I would have given your cousin a bloody good sermon on her mothers appalling behaviour.

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 29/06/2023 16:06

Your auntie was the one who made everything uncomfortable with her badgering of you. You did nothing wrong at all.

I've felt badgered into making a similar statement in the past and I absolutely refuse to feel bad that the other person got upset because of it.

Your aunties feelings don't trump yours, she upset you with her questions (that anyone with a functioning brain could see were inappropriate anyway) it's her own fault.

Hazelnuttella · 29/06/2023 16:06

She should be apologising to you, not the other way round.

It’s good that she felt uncomfortable. Maybe she’ll stop harassing people about personal topics that are none of her business.

LadyDanburysHat · 29/06/2023 16:06

If you reply to cousin, just tell her that her Mother shouldn't be so pushy if she doesn't want to hear such things.

FKATondelayo · 29/06/2023 16:06

Most women, especially mothers, would know not to probe about someone's fertility or number of children beyond a general chat - unless that person leads it. Most of us know that behind the scenes of someone else's family size, there might be a whole history of miscarriage, fertility struggles, health problems, relationship difficulties or financial issues. Your aunt is exceptionally insensitive and you did the right thing. Please do not apologise. I wouldn't even respond tbh.

Hazelnuttella · 29/06/2023 16:07

Also reply to your cousin to say your Aunty made you feel very uncomfortable and you are very upset.

standardduck · 29/06/2023 16:07

She should be the one apologizing. Very rude of her. You did nothing wrong Flowers

Tinkerbyebye · 29/06/2023 16:08

Absolutely do not contact them

they are simply embarrassed, as they should be