AIBU to have made my relatives uncomfortable?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

I was out at a family dinner last night. Extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins over from out of town along with my parents, and siblings. All had partners there except for my DH (and another cousin's DH) who were at work.

DH and I have been married for a number of years and have a 6 year old DS.
My DB and SIL (calling her that out of ease) have been together 3 years and have a (nearly) 2 year old DD and are expecting another baby later this year.

One of my Auntie's started asking DB when him and SIL were going to get married. They have no intention of getting married but Auntie wouldn't let it go. DB then said that they were too busy to get married and would rather spend their money on their kids, which then made aunt switch her attention on me and the fact that we only have 1 child. She kept going on and on about how DB's DD would at least have a sibling and how we were mean by prioritising our own wants over the 'needs' of DS. This went on and on and was really pissing me off. All of my cousins who have kids have at least 2. We're the only couple with 1 DC

I ended up saying, quite loudly mainly to be heard over her wittering on, that DH and I would have loved to have another DC, we had tried for years but unfortunately for us, it just didn't happen and we don't really expect that to change now.

I will admit, I am still quite 'wounded' about this, I would have loved another DC and it's been really hard watching my DB and SIL announce two pregnancies over the years. I've come to accept that it won't happen but that doesn't mean it doesn't still sting. I must have looked quite sad when I said the above as SIL put her hand on mine and my DM quickly changed the subject. Aunt looked really put out the rest of the meal and was muttering to my Uncle while glancing up at me every so often.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

My DM said I did nothing wrong, SIL said the same. DB thinks I was making too much of a point and could have been politer with what I said.

Should I text or call my Auntie and/or respond to my cousin? I haven't yet because I don't really know what to say!

Ignore the text.

They are both dickheads and your aunt is a bitch. Funny how she doesn’t like conversations that make HER uncomfortable but feels entitled to make others feel like shit? I wouldn’t want to see either again tbh. Definitely not for a sit down meal.

We all have one or two of those in the family. Sorry you were in such an uncomfortable situation, but glad your mum and sil gave you support. Cousin, brother, aunt are very wrong and should apologize (ffs sake your db should have your back). 💐

Much too nice.

It was their fault entirely. Accepting blame for their rudeness will not increase their respect for you.

I'd have told her to fuck off and mind her business

I'm pretty sure SIL bollocked him once they got home tbf.

I'm stunned that the outcome of this isn't auntie profusely apologising for what she'd said and trying to be as kind and supportive as possible given her fuck up - there is no reason for an apology coming from you

The next time some relative starts this say 'if only'.

OP I am raging on your behalf!! FFS people can be such assholes. I was in that position for a long time and got those questions too but usually people were more subtle or sensitive but I totally get how you inwardly wince every time someone brings it up let alone sitting there listening to someones pregnancy news.

I am more more surprised at your cousin actually, she had some nerve sending that message when she knew your aunt was going on about it.

I think you handled both the incident and the response with great dignity should be proud of yourself.

Or reply:

'Your mum's hurt feelings don't trump mine but I'm prepared to be the bigger person and let it go.'

Yanbu

I find it's always the rudest most push people who are least likely to be able to take any criticism.

She was rude and if you push into people's private business you might get answers you don't like. Which is what's has happened here.

Thanks.

It's so hard to be happy for others while gutted for yourself at the same time.

If auntie was the type to react like this, she probably wouldn't have been having that conversation in the first place.

In terms of the choice of topic, if a couple has one child, the options are only that (a) they intend to have another child later on (with OP's DS being 6, that's not a likely intention), in which case they're aware of the proposed age gap and have reasons for wanting to have a child at a certain future point that's not now, so talking to them about how they should hurry up about it is pointless, or (b) they don't want another child, in which case they're not likely to change their minds simply because a relative is annoying about it, or (c) they can't have another child, in which case the relative's badgering is not going to change things. In all of these cases, the relative's badgering about how the couple should have another child are not going to achieve anything except annoyance.

You did NOTHING wrong...

This

You did nothing wrong. At all.

Your aunt was way out of line. Maybe this will teach her not to poke her nose into other people's business and keep her opinions to herself.

IL can be like this - get a clearly sensitive subject and not let it drop used to be just MIL now FIL does it - not to us so much but others and then act hurt if people even if polite tell them why its so sensitive.

Only way to avoid this from what I've seen very the years is for someone to take them aside and tell them why quietly the big "secret" so they can then tell everyone they've ever met about it - which clearly in your meal situation wasn't an option.

I'd text back - that your sorry Aunt is upset but she being very persistent and really hurting and upsetting you and you just wanted the subject dropped - or ignore it entirely.

Some people (aunt, cousin) really do have the emotional range of a teaspoon.

I think it's strange that your cousin said it made the WHOLE family uncomfortable. She can speak for herself and presumably her mother made it known in the car after that she was uncomfortable but don't just speak on behalf of the WHOLE family. The whole family was probably uncomfortable with the discussion initiated by your aunt, not your comments.

After the meal, my cousin (Auntie's daughter) text me to say that I had made the whole family feel uncomfortable with my 'revelation' and I shouldn't have announced it like that. Apparently Auntie was very miffed in the car ride home.

I've got one of these in my family, they get upset when they're revealed to have treated people poorly but they don't have the maturity/humility to realise it's their own fault - instead they blame the person who "made them feel bad" (i.e. made them look in the mirror).

Here's a slightly altered suggestion - trying to put the focus back on you:

"Hi Cousin, it was really nice to see you all and catch up. Believe me I'd rather not have shared something so personal over a family get together, but unfortunately it was clear that your mum was going to keep calling me selfish for only having one child and asking very personal questions until she got an answer. Now everyone knows about the painful struggles we've had and hopefully we won't have to have that conversation again next time we all meet."

Yep. This.

It's awful, OP. I'm so sorry.

I have just come back from holiday and my granny was constantly going on and on about my DH and I having another baby. Everyday she was making a big deal about it. Little did she know I was actively miscarrying whilst we were away and I was devastated but saved face to not ruin the holiday for everyone else. I wish in hindsight I had just put her in her place.

It's upsetting, I'm really, really glad you stood up for yourself.

100% you were in the right! My friend who suffered recurrent miscarriage did similar in a family setting - family friend of her DM kept going on and on about giving her Mum
a grandchild and she turned and snapped “well I’ve lost three, so I’ve no idea when.” Awkward but shut her up and hopefully made her think twice about enquiring re. the reproductive plans of others. Hopefully your auntie has learned a similar lesson here!

Quite honestly Aunt is lucky the answer she got didn't include something more painfully detailed about miscarriages, injections, appointments, hormones etc.

PP is right about her emotional depth. I once interrogated a couple about why they hadn't had children, they told me they had tried but couldn't. Honestly I was 16, I had an excuse, realised my mistake and stopped asking anything so stupid.

The question I always use if I am asking a close friend about future child plans is "do you think you might want to try and have a/nother baby in future?" That way they can rebuff you with a maybe or confide about struggles etc

People who ask intrusive questions and won't let go have 'being uncomfortable' or even hurt coming to them.

it doesn’t matter if she’s family. If you wouldn’t tolerate it from a friend (or even a stranger) why would you put up with it or try and downplay it just because you happen to share some DNA with someone?

I’m not having a go at you, but this attitude in general really grates on me because it allows arseholes like your aunt to behave awfully with abandon unchecked because “family” and nobody wants to rock the boat. Why do the antagonists always end up with people pussyfooting around them rather than being roundly admonished for THEIR rocking of the boat?

You did nothing wrong at the meal. I think your response to your cousin was way too nice tbh!